「…We should get dressed.」

     「Mhm. That was so fun, Kurumi!」

     「Yeah, it was.」

     We got dressed out in the hallway before returning to the living room. As soon as she had her clothes back on, Sorahashi-san returned to her usual self — the one that lived in a world far, far away from mine.

     「Please, take a seat. I’ll have your birthday present for you once I’ve cleaned all this up.」

     「…Okay.」

     How long had it been since anybody other than Mizuki had celebrated my birthday? It’d been years since I stopped mentioning it to my friends, and I didn’t particularly look forward to it anymore. It’s not like I wasn’t happy when people celebrated for me, but I felt like there was no need for it.

     I gently sighed.

     After a while, she seemed to have finished cleaning up and came over to me with a wrapped present in hand.

     It was almost like she was Santa himself. Well, in the first place, I’d never believed in him, nor have I seen him in person.

     「Here you go. Happy birthday, Kurumi.」

     It was strange to hear those congratulatory words from someone that wasn’t family. I knew I should be happy, but I couldn’t bring myself to because of an uncomfortable tingling sensation in my chest.

     「Thank you.」

     「Alright, now you gotta open it! I put in all that effort to pick it out!」

     She spoke as she sat down next to me. After a moment of hesitation, I opened the package to find a card, a book, and some hand cream.

     「That book is my personal recommendation. A gift in return for that picture book I received from you for my birthday. And, Kurumi, your hands get red quite easily, don’t they? So I bought some hand cream made for sensitive skin! It smells great, so give it a try!」

     Her smile radiated innocence.

     「…I’m glad. What about the card?」

     「Well, it’s not exactly part of your birthday present, but I bought it because I thought it was cute. Why don’t you open it?」

     “Merry Christmas” was written on it. So it was a Christmas card. While thinking about how it was my first time receiving something like this, I opened it.

     「…Wow.」

     When I opened it, a tree popped up from within, and on the edge of the card was a message that seemed to have been written by her. “Merry Christmas. Happy Birthday.”

     I couldn’t help but laugh. It was just so silly and unusual to be celebrating a birthday and Christmas on the very same day, and that was so funny to me that laughing was all I could do. And I shouldn’t have been feeling strange about being celebrated, but my heart ached like crazy.

     That pain naturally made my tears begin to flow, making me wonder why I was crying in a situation like this. I hadn’t done so a single time in the last ten years, but I felt like I’d started to become strangely sensitive. Why was I crying like this so often recently?

     For a moment, I felt a surprising sense of emptiness in my heart, and loneliness washed over me, as if I was all by myself in this world. I couldn’t understand why, but I felt her hand on my cheek. It was an ordinary feeling, cold to the touch.

     It felt like she was reaching directly into my empty heart.

     「Do you feel happy? Or are you sad?」

     She asked with a terribly calm tone and a gentle smile on her face.

     Even if she asked, I didn’t know the answer — so I just stared at her.

     「…I see, I see. In any case, let’s have some cake. I bought something different from last time.」

     I sensed that she wanted to say something, but I was relieved that nothing special came out of her mouth. With those feelings in tow, I stared blankly at her as she prepared the cake.

     Suddenly feeling cold, I stood up.

     I wandered aimlessly for a bit, and before I knew it, I was standing behind her. I hugged her from behind and felt her against me.

     「…Kurumi?」

     「Sorry. …Sorry.」

     I apologized without knowing why.

     「Why? There’s nothing to apologize for.」

     Saying this, she placed her hand on the arm that I had around her neck. We stayed like this for a while, and eventually, the pain and emptiness in my chest disappeared. But in return, I felt as if her presence was engraving itself even deeper into my heart.

     The cake we ate afterwards was incredibly sweet, but delicious.

★

            「…Wait. I’m coming too.」

            In the morning, just as I was about to leave the house, Mizuki called out to me.

            It was out of the ordinary. We used to walk to school with each other quite often because our elementary and middle schools were close to each other. She stopped talking to me as much when she got into middle school though, and since I had to take the train to my high school, we no longer left for school together.

            I wondered if she had a change of heart.

            It’d been a while since we walked together side by side, so this made me happy.

            I let out a small sigh. Christmas was over, and the new year had begun along with the third semester. I hadn’t seen Sorahashi-san much recently, but my thoughts were still gripped by the memories of that Christmas day. The strange emotions I felt back then were still swirling around in my heart. What was the true nature of these feelings?

            Were they feelings of happiness? Or were they of sadness?

            The question she asked me that day continued to resound in my mind.

            「It’s January now, so it’s gotten really cold. Are you okay, Mizuki? Have you gotten sick?」

            「I’m fine. ….Thanks to a certain someone telling me to wash my hands and properly rinse my mouth all the time.」

            「…I see.」

            I recalled having said things like that pretty often in the past. So Mizuki remembered all that too.

            A chilly wind blew through, and I put my hands in my coat pockets. We would sometimes walk hand in hand up until I was in middle school.

            Looking back on it, maybe we sisters were a bit too close, even though we didn’t care about stuff like that at the time.

            My hands still felt a little cold in my pockets. I tried to walk slowly to match Mizuki’s pace, but she started to walk ahead of me. Maybe that was just to be expected, since she’d grown taller than me since getting into middle school. It was probably just her natural pace now. Unlike before, I had to speed up to walk shoulder to shoulder with her.

            I supposed nothing was forever.

            It was a bit late for me to be saying that it made me feel lonely, and it’s not like I thought that way. It was natural for both our feelings towards others and people themselves to change as we went about our lives. Even I used to be so innocently happy about how my parents started being able to come home every day.

            That was what triggered the change in my relationship with Mizuki. The atmosphere at home had become more lively than before, though. Why did I keep focusing on what I’d lost, even though it seemed like I’d gained so much? Mizuki was living her life with her gaze firmly fixed on the future, as she ought to have been.

            「New Year’s was so fun. It’s been a while since we’ve celebrated all together as a family.」

            「…」

            Mizuki stopped in place. I did as well. Immediately, the coldness of winter became painfully apparent.

            「Do you really think that?」

            「…What?」

            「Did you really think it was that nice to spend New Year’s with family, Kurumi?」

            She asked, looking down at me. Why was she asking something with such an obvious answer? I’d always thought about how great it would be for us to have fun all together. I hoped that we could one day truly come together as a family.

            …Really?

          Shouldn’t you just stop pretending to be human?

            Someone whispered deep inside of me.         

            「Yeah, it was fun. Maybe I looked bored because it wasn’t showing on my face?」

            「…Hey.」

            Mizuki grabbed my scarf in irritation.

            It was as if she was tugging on a leash.

            For an instant, I thought about how Sorahashi-san had spent her winter vacation.

            「Why are you saying things you don’t mean? We’ve been together since we were little, you know, so it’s easy for me to tell… You didn’t look like you were having any fun at all, Kurumi.」

            She said in a low voice.

            I was at a loss for words.

            It’s not like I didn’t mean it. It was really, really fun. It would be strange if it wasn’t. After all, being able to spend time with the whole family together had been a dream of mine since I was little. It’s not like I was at the age to want to have parties at home, but I thought that being together was something we ought to be happy about. It wasn’t any good for that sort of thing to bring sadness.

            Who cares?

          No, what?

          「Sorry, I guess I was a little worn out because of school. But seriously, it’s the truth —」

          She pulled on my scarf.

          My heels lifted up a little, and Mizuki’s face came closer to me. There wasn’t much left of the crybaby she used to be.

          Once again, I was foolishly counting up all the things I had lost, even though there was no point to it.

          「You were thinking about something else, weren’t you? …That Sorahashi person, maybe?」

          My heart leaped.

          It was true that I had been thinking about her over the entire winter break. I kept wondering when I’d see her again, how she was doing, and I had been thinking about her even just a moment ago.

          「That person’s not your friend, is she?」

          「…What do you mean?」

          「You hesitated back when I asked. If you really were, you’d have normally said so.」

          She was right. I couldn’t exactly call her a friend, because that wasn’t what she was. I had no idea how to describe our strange relationship.  Perhaps it was the most accurate to say we were pet and owner, but there was no way I could admit that to someone else.

          「Is that person why you’ve changed?」

          「I’m still the same.」

          「That’s also a lie. You’ve been acting weird, recently.」

          「What do you mean, weird?」

          My heart, devoid of the reason and propriety of a human being, was a total mess, like a wound with the scab peeled off. It was painful to touch, but there was nothing I could do about it.

          「You invited someone who wasn’t even your friend over to our house, and you look so gloomy sometimes. What happened?」

          There’s no way I could say that now that our parents were able to come home, I felt like my role in the house had been taken away, nor could I say that I was lonely because I couldn’t cook for her anymore.

          If only it could have stayed just the two of us, I would have been fine with our parents being unable to come back to handle the household. …No, what was I thinking? What awful thoughts.

          But, yes. That’s how I truly felt. Winter vacation really wasn’t any fun. The atmosphere at home, created by my parents with whom I had barely spoken to for several years, felt terribly shallow and inauthentic. Mizuki seemed to have acclimated to it, but I just couldn’t.

          That picture-perfect family I had longed for since childhood was ultimately an illusion. In reality, the time I had spent with family was no good for me at all.

          Who cared? I was done with it, all of it.

          As long as Mizuki was by my side, eating my food, calling me Onee-chan… If I could be with her, just the two of us, that’d be enough. But I knew those times would never come ever again.

          There was not a soul I could tell about those desires… no person, that is.

          「It’s nothing. Sorry for worrying you.」

          「It’s not like I’m worried.」

          She let go of my scarf. A soft, familiar scent like lemon tea tickled my senses.

          Was it coming from my scarf, or was it coming from Mizuki?

          While wondering this, she walked off on her own. I hurried after her. Eventually, we arrived at the station. Since her middle school was further out, we said our goodbyes here.

          「Kurumi.」

          She touched my scarf again. As I was re-wrapping it since it had come a little undone, Mizuki stared at me intently. Opening and closing her mouth several times, it seemed as if she had something to say. Finally, she spoke in a small voice.

          「It’s just that you weren’t like this before. …Later, Kurumi.」

          「…Okay. Stay safe.」

          I was sure that I hadn’t changed a bit. It was just that in my desperate attempt to seem human, I had lost sight of who I truly was.

          「The one who’s changed isn’t me. It’s you and everyone else, Mizuki.」

          I muttered this once Mizuki had disappeared from my vision. It was something that would have never come out of my mouth back when she still called me Onee-chan. As I went through the ticket gate, I couldn’t help but smile. The fresh scent of the white scarf lingered in the air.

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