Today was Friday. The weekend was now close by, and there seemed to be a sort of energy about the whole school. I had wolfed down my lunch during break and spent the rest of the time going around inquiring about Meguru-chan joining the student council. I’d encountered no roadblocks up until the final step. In pursuit of that, I’d managed to get ahold of our advisor, Mori-sensei, in the hallway, but…

     “Hmph! I will not be giving my approval, Amanone-san!”

     Even as I was speaking with Mori-sensei, my mind kept drifting back to the events of yesterday.

     “I want to see all your cute sides, Senpai.”

     Meguru-chan’s words ran through my head. They implied that her remark during her confession — what she’d said about wanting me to “be her female” — was, despite her jarringly crude wording, pretty much the truth.

     “In the first place, did you not think I’d already heard? I know you two are dating. Trying to get her a spot on the student council just because she’s your girlfriend constitutes an abuse of power. Do you understand?”

     “Hm…”

     Since we’d only just met back then, I’d assumed it was some sort of misunderstanding. But now that I’d come to know Meguru-chan much better, the way things turned out made a lot of sense. And yet, even knowing and understanding all of this… I still couldn’t help but get lost in my own thoughts.

     “What? What are you trying to say? That trying to unilaterally reject a decision that the rest of the student council has already approved is also, in and of itself, an abuse of power? That’s what you’re thinking, isn’t it?”

     I mean… with how innocently cute she looked, how could I have ever expected her to have that sort of kink? I guess it boiled down to the concept of gap moe — that sort of thing where if someone with a cool image had a cute side to them, they’d stand out all the more. I knew that there was a good number of people that were into that, but… for Meguru-chan to be one of them, of all people… I’d definitely learned now not to judge a book by its cover.

     “Yes, yes, you’re right, it is an abuse of power! But it’s only because… it’s only because, Amanone-san… I… I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!”

     What was now troubling me was the shape our relationship ought to take. Considering what she’d told me already, if I were to extrapolate from what she was trying to convey with the word “female”, then… what she really wanted was a relationship where I let her take the lead. One where I, the tall and cool one with sharp features, clung all over her, the petite, adorable, puppy-like one. …Right?

     “That’s insane…”

     I mused.

     “Please, don’t say that! I already know that myself, okay! I know it’s insane for a teacher to fall for a student! B-but it’s your fault, Amanone-san! How could you flirt with a  lonely single woman like that?!  You have to reflect on your behavior! Reflect, and then repent by marrying me!”

     “But I’m not against it…”

     “W-what?!”

     That’s right. I wasn’t. Even if I tried to deny everything, try to convince myself that I did hate it, the person I’d grown to become simply wouldn’t allow such a thought. That fluttering in my chest when Meguru-chan assertively made a move — that sense of peace I felt when she coddled me — those intense feelings had already been etched into my very body. And even now, whatever it was that I sensed in her eyes wasn’t something I disliked either. In other words, just as Meguru-chan wanted to take the lead, there was a part of me that wanted to be led by her as well.

     “Y-you don’t? D-does that mean I have a chance?! Really?!? Y-you can’t, Amanone-san! You already have Hanabana-san! …Wait. Oh my god, why am I trying to stick up for my own rival?!”

     Honestly, I was a bit perplexed. I’d lived my entire life thinking of myself as someone cool. I’d just presumptuously assumed that my soul was just as effortlessly stylish as my outward appearance. But Meguru-chan had shown me the truth: that I wasn’t that perfect, ideal person. Just like her, there were parts of myself that didn’t match how I looked.

     “Yeah… Yeah! It’s precisely because I’ve always let myself be shackled by convention, always cowering and pulling back, that I’m still single! If I’m feeling lonely, what’s wrong some homewrecking!? …But Amanone-san, are you sure? Are you really okay with a middle-aged woman?”

     I’d been tormented by a strange, suffocating feeling ever since starting high school. I’d been lost on what it was for the longest time, but now, I felt like I could grasp its essence quite clearly. I was at my limit. My heart had grown weary of trying to live up to the expectations set onto me by my outward appearance. I’d been searching for a place where I could finally breathe, and it was then that I met Meguru-chan. More than just accepting my uncool, imperfect self, she actually wanted that version of me. It was like destiny itself had brought us together. But…

     “It’s probably fine…”

     “So it’s not a no?! Even with where this conversation’s going?!  W-wait, actually, I take it back! I might have said ‘middle-aged’, but I’m still only 27! I’ve got glowing skin, and this job lets me keep up with what the kids are saying! Like, I know what ‘getting the ick’ means!”

     I began to feel anxious. It wasn’t because of Meguru-chan, though. This was my own problem. Even if it wasn’t all the truth, the fact that I’d lived my life as someone “cool” up until now was no lie. I took pride in being cool and felt happy and being told that. But if I, of all people, were to be seen acting all spoiled with Meguru-chan? I was sure that everyone would have plenty of things to say, but there was one thing for certain: that nobody would ever call that “cool”.

     “…I’m sorry. I said I was 27, but I actually turn 28 in three days.”

     “I can’t handle that.”

     “That’s where you draw the line?! I’m being cut off because of a three-day gap?! Is this what they mean by getting the ick?! That’s so cutthroat! A one-year difference is basically a rounding error! …Wait, sorry. Even I would get hung up over the difference between 29 and 30… Ugh. But I’m still 27 right now, so give me chance!”

     Which one was the real me? The more I thought about it, the more lost I became. There was the version of me that was cool, and the version of me that wanted her to take the lead. In other words, the person that I was in front of others, and the person that I was in front of Meguru-chan. These contradicting selves spun round and round in my mind like a coin flipping through the air. I really had no idea what to make of it. But there was one thing I knew for certain: that I couldn’t cast aside either of them.

     “Alright, how about just three days?! Go out for me for those three days until I turn 28! That’d be enough to make me happy!”

     Hmm… There wasn’t any use to thinking about it any further. There’d be no end to it. I should just try stuff out…

     Whoops, I totally just got lost in my own head just now. I was supposed to be talking to Sensei. Um, where were we?

     “Okay! If it’s all said and done, then let’s hurry up and go on a date!”

     Wh- how did we get to talking about a date?! What was this conversation?! …Wait, a date? …Right, a date!

     “Okay! I’ll be heading out with Meguru-chan, then!”

     “DON’T PLAY WITH ME!!!!!!!!!”

     “Woah!”

     Why’d she just suddenly snap?! What the hell happened to her?!

     “So that’s it, huh?! Are women only good until they turn 27?! Do you think we actually come with expiration dates?! You can’t get away with everything just because you have a nice face, okay?! You need to reflect on your actions! Seriously! I’m taking you to the guidance counseling office right now for a proper lecture! Get over he-”

     “That’s enough!”

     “Ow?!”

     As I was rendered absolutely speechless by the unbridled rage coming out of Mori-sensei’s mouth, Hasegawa-sensei — who had just happened to be passing by — came over and gently bonked her on the head with the papers she was carrying.

     “But Hasegawa-sensei, she’s being so awful to me!”

     “The one being awful is you, you idiot! Take a look at yourself! What in the world are you saying to a student? If someone heard this you’d have lost your job!”

     “Ah…”

     Mori-sensei’s face instantly went pale. Wait, was she spreading bad rumors about me? I mean, I did sometimes catch her giving me intense stares, and she’d say some odd stuff sometimes, but I didn’t think she was a bad teacher. I hoped she wasn’t getting fired. I scanned the surroundings. Thankfully, there was nobody around.

     “A-A-A-A-Amanone-san? There’ll be no issue with Hanabana-san joining the student council! We don’t have any rules against relationships or anything like that! So, um… Would you be willing to let this slide?”

     Mori-sensei stuttered out.

     “Amanone-san, my apologies, but consider this a request from me as well. Could you keep what happened here to yourself? Mori-sensei can jump to conclusions sometimes, but she’s really not a bad person.”

     Hasegawa-sensei added.

     “S-sure.”

     All good. And in the first place, I wasn’t even paying attention, so I didn’t really know what the issue was.

     “Now then… I suppose the one receiving the lecture is going to be you, isn’t that right?!”

     “N-NOOO!!! Please, mercy—”

     Hasegawa-sensei thus proceeded to drag Mori-sensei away in a headlock.

     “Honestly! If you’re really that lonely, you could just ask me! I’m your colleague! I don’t mind getting a drink after work or even spending time with you on our days off!”

     “…Hasegawa-sensei?! …Would it be okay for me to fall for you?”

     “…Jesus, you’d take just about anyone to fill the void, wouldn’t you?”

     “No, of course not! Good looks are a must!”

     “And it looks like you’re sorely in need of a good lecture!”

     “AGHH?! I give, I give! Hasegawa-sensei, you pass with flying marks—”

     And with that, their voices had grown so distant that I could no longer hear them. Uh… In any case, I guess Meguru-chan was now clear to officially join the student council. I think.

     “Oh, right. The date!”

     With that key thought in mind, I messaged Meguru-chan. I really had to thank Mori-sensei later for giving me the push I needed. Yep.

◇◇◇◇◇◇

          This entire day, from the moment from woke up, I’d been going around with my head in the clouds. It was currently lunchtime, and as I ate from my bento, the only thing on my mind was her. The one and only person who taught me, Hanabana Meguru, the meaning of love — my senpai, Amanone Sakoto.

          “Hey, do you know what’s up with Meguru? She’s been totally spaced out the whole day.”

          “Who knows? Hey, do any of you know what’s going on?”

          An air of confusion pierced through the classroom.

          “Guess not. Heeeeey. Earth to Meguru.”

          I’d heard the rumors the moment I first stepped foot on campus — stories of a second-year that was as cool as a prince. Honestly, I wasn’t super interested in her at that time. I’d just thought to myself that it was par for the course for an all-girls school. The reason for my disinterest was simple: I’d never once fallen in love, in the romantic sense. My family and friends were both precious to me, and so were all my other connections. But for some reason, when it came to romance… No matter how much I tried to understand it, I could only draw blanks.

          “She’s not responding… I’m starting to get worried for real.”

          “Should we take her to the nurse’s office? It might be a fever or something.”

          “Hm… I guess you’re right. She’s running a fever. Definitely sick. Lovesick.”

          “Huh?”

          Since I’d been going to co-ed schools until now, it’s not like I’d lacked the opportunity to meet someone. But now matter how handsome any guy was or how cute any girl was, I never felt anything beyond passing thoughts such as “wow, they sure stand out”.

          It’s not like I lacked confidence, either. It’s not something I’m going to mince words over, especially since it was a gift I received from my parents. I’m both cute and popular! Confessions weren’t a rare occurrence for me. If I really wanted to, I probably could have scored a few dates and tried to figure out my type. But that seemed pretty disingenuous, and I wanted to cherish my first romantic experience. …And with that mindset in tow, I had ended up completely loveless.

          I had told the people around me that I chose to attend Yuizono because it was close to home and because I just felt like it’s a school I could test into, but honestly, I was just tired of being in an environment where everything was about romance. …Was I incapable of love? Were all the things I thought I did out of kindness actually borne from selfishness? Was I, in the end, just terribly cold? Those were the questions that had begun to flood my mind.

          It wasn’t like me to have such wildly negative thoughts. My inability to find love had grown into a full-fledged complex. So when I was invited along by my friend and saw Sakoto-senpai for the fist time, I truly believed it was fate.

          “What in the world are you talking about?”

          “That’s such a weird way to put it…”

          “Right?”

          “Hey, aren’t you all being kinda mean? You haven’t forgotten that Megurun’s dating Amanone-senpai, right?!”

          “Oh, right…”

          Her beautifully androgynous face. Her tall, slender frame. And above all else, that occasional, fleeting expression of ennui… How could I have ever looked away? I was so captivated that I forgot to even blink, the pounding of my heartbeat drowning out the cheers of the crowd. I knew right then and there that I’d fallen in love. I’d finally found what I’d been searching for all these years. What I’d begun to fear was impossible for me was real after all. And then, certain that I couldn’t let this chance slip away, I decided on the spot that I’d confess my feelings.

          “It caused quite the commotion.”

          “Well, Amanone-senpai is quite the celebrity. Anyway, what were you saying again? Love?”

          “Yeah! Meguru’s dealing with an awful bout of lovesickness!”

          But then, I’d been faced with another hurdle. Sure, I knew I was in love, but I didn’t know how to articulate what exactly it was that I loved about her. Was it because I thought she was cool? Well, that was part of it, but that wasn’t exactly it. …Was it because I thought she was beautiful? Again, part of it, but it was only a piece of the whole puzzle… What I really wanted was that expression of ennui that she had on her face that day… or rather, the person that laid beyond it.

          It’d be completely pathetic if I were unable to explain why I liked someone while confessing to them. So I spent that entire weekend combing over the internet, and thanks to that, I finally realized what I wanted: namely, to make Sakoto-senpai my female!

          “See, look at how happy she looks!”

          “I see… When you put it like that, I suppose that does look like the face of someone in love!”

          “Really? I think she just looks kinda zoned out…”

          “No, I think that’s the look of someone who’s been made into a female.”

          “F-FEMALE?”

          Everyone exclaimed.

          To put it like I’d said to Senpai yesterday, what I’d been yearning for was the cute side of a girl that was cool. What I’d felt when I saw her weary expression was a desire to have her lay her burdens bare to me and let me pamper her! As a result, even though I’d overdone it a bit during my confession, she still accepted me. And now, I was the happiest girl in the world. However…

          “Haah…”

          I sighed.

          “You hear that? That heated little sigh? Makes you wonder what she’s gone through.”

          “D-do you mean what Amanone-senpai’s done to her?”

          “Exactly. I’d say Amanone-senpai’s taking very good care of her, if you catch my drift.”

          The entire class gulped.

          I was now faced with a particular problem. I call it the “Sakoto-Senpai’s Gap Is Way Too Intense Problem”. I’d had an inkling that this might be the case judging from that expression of hers, but whenever she finally off showed her more feminine side, it had a staggeringly destructive power.

          Take, for example, the first day I was allowed inside her secret room. When I teased her by saying that I was “looking forward to the naughty stuff too”, she’d turned as red as a tomato. And even though she’d chided me a little, she didn’t actually put up any resistance at all. If I hadn’t been feeling a little remorse over how aggressive I had been when confessing, I would have probably crossed the line the day right after we started dating. That being said, wasn’t the way she looked when I said that basically an invitation to cross that line?! It was just one step removed from what I’d found online — that look of pure submission that I’d been so captivated by! Did she even understand the conflict and restlessness in my heart that I’d left with that day…?

          “If Megurun of all people’s ended up like this, then… I bet Amanone-senpai’s real rough when she’s on the offensive.”

          “Huh?!”

          “What do you mean, rough?!”

          Murmurs resounded through the classroom.

          And then there was that day when we played rock-paper-scissors. I came up with it on the spot, but it was a stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. In fact, it might have been too genius. …Even now, I can’t forget the sound of Senpai’s dignified voice calling me “Mommy”, nor could I forget the sight of her clinging to my lap like a big baby. …Just thinking about it triggered my maternal instincts. And I mean, after hearing a story as sad as hers, well… What choice did I have but to be her mommy? I might already be her girlfriend, but between being her lover and her mommy… which one was better? That’s right, both at the same time!

          “Or maybe she’s being spoiled rotten. You know, like how a little kid gets spoiled by their parents.”

          “I can see it… Amanone-senpai does seem like the nurturing type.”

          “Oh, gosh! She’s living the dream!”

          The murmurs began to grow louder.

          Honestly, it was illegal how cute Senpai was. I wanted to just eat her up…

          “Well, either way, I guess it’s not surprising that Megurun’s turning out to be the one getting eaten up.”

          “God, that’s so thrilling!”

          “Wait, how can you even tell all of this just by looking at her?”

          “Heh. It’s all a divine revelation from the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Praise be His noodly appendages.”

          Now, in regards to the problem of Sakoto-senpai’s ridiculous gap, this was when things were about to really get started. I could tell that she was gradually opening up to me. And at the same time, I’d come to understand that she had an intense fixation on keeping up her cool appearances, and was absolutely determined to do so. Personally, I’d love it if she just let loose, clung all over me, and allowed me to dote on her in return. But that’d give rise to a conflict within her. Hmm… what to do… between the cool Senpai or the cute Senpai, which was the real one? Or rather, which one did she want to be? And how was I supposed to interact with that Senpai?

          I wanted to respect what she wanted. But if she told me she didn’t want to lean on me — and even worse, if she ended up breaking up with me — that’d be unbearably painful. …She’d looked so troubled when we parted ways yesterday. Hmm….

          Wait, I should be enjoying my lunch with my classmates, not thinking about this stuff.

          “Oh. Finally back to reality, Megurun?”

          “Sorry, sorry! I was just thinking about Sakoto-senpai!”

          “Oooooooooooh!”

          Huh? Why was everyone reacting like that? And why were they all slightly red in the face? Hm. I was confused, but lunch was almost over anyway, so I hurriedly got to finishing my food.

          …I needed to become someone more reliable. If I didn’t, Senpai wouldn’t even entertain the notion of being my female. …Oh, whoops, there I go again, thinking about Senpai. Ehehe. I was pretty obsessed with her, huh?

          “Hm?”

          Just as I was lost in thought and packing away my bento, I saw a message from Senpai pop up on my phone.

          Wanna go on a date this weekend? Does Saturday or Sunday work better for you?

          A trial had now appeared before me. There was no point in thinking about what Senpai wanted to choose. What I ought to do was lay my feelings out for her.

          Thank you so much for inviting me out! I’d love to go!

          On this date, I’d show her how wonderful it’d be to embrace being my female. That was what I vowed to myself.

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