Standing in front of the changing room mirror, I took off my clothes and stared at my reflection.
I’d had the same thought yesterday and again earlier this morning, but it really did look awful. In the mirror, I could see countless marks Miyagi had left behind. She’d only left them in places that could be hidden under my clothes, so the chances of anyone else seeing them were slim, but when I thought about the possibility of me getting into an accident or having to go to the hospital and having other people look at my body, I sighed.
I should’ve stopped her earlier, like when she asked to check the marks, or when she told me to lift my shirt properly, or when she pushed me down. I’d had plenty of chances, and I let every one of them pass. That was how she’d ended up leaving even more marks on me.
I brushed my fingers over one of the marks she’d made yesterday, just below my collarbone. Miyagi knew I’d listen to anything she said, and that was probably why she felt like she could add more to my body.
One, two, three—I traced the new marks with my fingers. Touching even one made heat stir deep inside my body, enough that I could almost feel Miyagi’s presence even though she wasn’t here right now. The number of marks she’d left today only deepened my desire for her.
“All of you belongs to me.”
Because she’d said something weird like that yesterday, the marks made my body feel strange. For a moment, I even thought I should just tell her I wouldn’t go to university or work anymore.
I shut my eyes tightly and pushed the thought away.
I hadn’t gone any further with her earlier. I knew it was the right choice, and it was probably what Miyagi wanted too.
I hadn’t done anything wrong.
Even so, I couldn’t help but regret it.
I opened my eyes and touched my lips where she’d bitten me.
There was no blood, but it still hurt.
Miyagi was such an idiot.
Even if she’d left hickeys only in places where other people couldn’t see them, leaving a scar on my lips completely defeated that purpose.
Still, wounds felt easier to understand than hickeys.
They hurt, they bled, and they were meant to heal. The marks on my body were different. They looked like wounds in the mirror, though they didn’t feel like injuries. What had started as simple internal bleeding had become something special, simply because Miyagi had left them. Both the marks and Miyagi covered my entire body.
Even once they faded, it felt like they’d stay with me forever, leaving me waiting for the next time she marked me again.
I didn’t want them to heal like wounds. I wanted more of them, even in places that could be seen.
If she were to do it again, I was worried the marks would probably keep piling up like she’d done today, but that fear was outweighed by my desire for more.
It pained me that Miyagi’s marks were pulling me apart, separating the part of me that wanted to maintain my sense of reason from the part that wanted to let go of it.
Even though I should have kept these feelings locked away, I couldn’t help thinking I wanted to quit my jobs and stay by Miyagi’s side.
「I’m being ridiculous.」
I muttered as I stepped into the bathroom, turned on the shower, and let lukewarm water run over my body, scrubbing at the marks even though I knew they wouldn’t disappear. I didn’t mind being marked, and I didn’t mind Miyagi seeing my body either, but if things continued at this rate, I felt like I would soon lose the ability to stop myself from pulling away from her.
I wished I had the power to turn the impossible into something possible.
I wanted to grant Miyagi’s wishes as much as I could, but I couldn’t grant what she asked for today. She probably understood that herself, but staying here without going to university or work was an unrealistic wish.
I could give Miyagi all of my time for two or three days, but I couldn’t keep giving it to her forever. If I kept skipping university, I’d lose my parents’ financial support, and then I’d have to work just to maintain my current life. If working became something I did simply to survive, I’d end up spending even less time at home than I already did.
If listening to Miyagi and doing what she wanted would make her happy, I wanted to do it.
My own wants didn’t matter.
Even so, I didn’t have the power to turn the impossible into something real.
If it were just my feelings, I could give her as much of that as she wanted.
My feelings for Miyagi had grown to the point that she might even say they were too much. I didn’t know when they’d become like this, but they were swelling, trying to break free from inside me, even though I should have been trying to preserve what we had.
But I couldn’t tell her that I liked her.
I turned up the heat in the shower.
The water—about as hot as my body—ran over the marks and flowed down the drain. As I stood there, I couldn’t help wishing it were Miyagi warming my body instead, and so I turned the shower off.
“Let’s stay roommates a little longer.”
Miyagi’s words made my unspoken feelings feel like a curse, binding my mouth shut.
My feelings for Miyagi had grown so deep that, even without the chain of us being roommates, they were becoming something I could never put into words, no matter what stirred inside me.
That was because I was afraid that the moment I told her I liked her, I wouldn’t just destroy our relationship as roommates—I would end up breaking Miyagi apart as well.
Lately, Miyagi had been talkative, often saying things that made it impossible to think she didn’t like me. She put her feelings into words so openly it caught me off guard, making me feel as though I was allowed to like her, drawing me closer. But she would pull away just as quickly, leaving nothing in my hands but just fragments of her.
Even when I felt like I was getting closer, it would only ever last for a moment. The next time I looked, it felt like Miyagi was somewhere else. Even when we ate together, even when we were in the same room, even when she was beside me and I could feel her warmth, it felt like we weren’t in the same place.
Miyagi’s fragments were scattered everywhere, and I was stuck picking the pieces up.
I was afraid that if I kept getting closer to her and ended up telling her how I felt, Miyagi would crumble and disappear before my eyes.
But even so, I still wanted to get closer to her than I was now, and I wanted to tell her that I liked her.
I turned the shower back on.
After washing my hair and my body, I left the bathroom.
I changed into a set of sweats as a substitute for pajamas, dried my hair, and went to grab some orange juice from the shared living space.
My cup was empty in no time, and my gaze drifted to Miyagi’s bedroom door.
It was probably better to just go back to my own room without trying to talk to her anymore.
Even so, before I knew it, I was knocking on her door.
After knocking three times, the door opened slightly, and Miyagi peeked out.
「What?」
「The bathroom’s free now.」
I said, and Miyagi gave a quick “Okay,” and started to shut the door, so I hurriedly called out to her.
「Miyagi.」
「What, did you need something else?」
「Should we try taking a bath together sometime?」
I wasn’t really serious about it, but at the same time, I couldn’t help hoping it might actually happen.
「No.」
「I figured you’d say that.」
I answered, and Miyagi tried to close the door again, so I grabbed her hand.
I really should be going back to my room now, I thought.
But I couldn’t bring myself to let go of her hand. I was usually good at adapting to other people and accommodating them, yet I was terrible at doing that with Miyagi. Things I could normally do with others, I just couldn’t seem to do with her.
「Sendai-san.」
Miyagi’s soft voice reached my ears.
「What is it?」
「… Am I the only one who does things like what I did earlier to you?」
I knew immediately what she meant by what she did earlier—leaving red marks and hickeys on my body that only she knew about.
「There’s no way I’d let anyone other than you do something like that to me.」
「Alright then.」
I couldn’t tell what she was feeling.
Was she relieved? Did she just have nothing more to say? Or was it something else entirely?
Before I knew the answer, the door closed in front of me.
Ave Lilium Translations 