I still remember the first time that girl came to our house. On that day I knew that our parents would be coming home late, so I had taken the chance to hang out in the living room for once. I hadn’t been doing anything in particular and was just lazing around playing games when she arrived. I could tell that she was a classmate that Nagisa had invited over, but not much else. I recalled her wearing the same middle school uniform as me, but her necktie in the color of the grade above mine was strangely dazzling.
“Ah, sorry. Did we wake you up?”
“It’s fine, not like I was sleeping. I was just playing a game.”
“A game? Ooh, which one?”
My first impression of her was that she had a cute smile. She wore it gently, even though there wasn’t anything fun going on. I thought she was strange.
Nagisa must have invited her over to hang out, so I wondered if she should have even been talking to me. Thinking back on it, I found it a little intriguing how she showed interest in that game, how she was able to derive joy and surprise from such a simple thing.
“Never seen this before? It’s just another game.”
“Yeah. I haven’t really played with anything like this.”
“Hmmm… Wanna give it a try?”
“Can I? It won’t explode or something when I touch it, will it?”
“What exactly do you think a game console is?”
She was being so dramatic over every little thing. She’d just been playing a game, but she was unnecessarily leaning her body all over and yelling loudly. It might have been my first time watching a newbie playing a game. My friends were mostly kids who’d been playing games since they were little, and being how she was, Nagisa didn’t play games in the first place.
Involuntarily, I laughed.
And then I was surprised about myself laughing over something like this. It was the first time I had started laughing in front of somebody I didn’t know. Though in this house, there was so little to laugh over that you could count. And then I realized why I was laughing in front of this mysterious Senpai. To say it simply, she was unburdened. It might have been how her hair looked, or the way she carried herself, or something like that.
Anyway, this unknown Senpai was fluffily unburdened, almost as if she was made of down. And surprisingly, she smelled like spring.
“Ahaha. You suck way too bad at this, Senpai.”
“Ugh. O-one more time-“
“I thought you were running late… ‘What are you doing, Yuika?”
This person called Yuika stood upright with a start.
“S-sorry! I just got so into it…”
“It’s not like I mind…”
“…Ah. Before I forget, I haven’t introduced myself. I’m Amemiya Yuika. And you are…?”
“She’s Mimi. My little sister.”
“…What she said. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
Even if it had just been by chance, this was the first time I’d been introduced to one of Nagisa’s friends. That’s because the two of us had never been that close.
She was the beloved daughter who lived up to the expectations of those around her. On the other hand, because I didn’t do the same, I was treated like I was radioactive. There wasn’t a chance that we could ever have gotten along, and there had even been a time when I actually hated her — but that had stopped when I became a middle schooler and realized that she had her own troubles to deal with. But it would be disingenuous to try to play nice with her at this point. We could never get along.
Getting closer at this age was simply impossible. Even if we had been close as sisters in the first place, we were around the age were we would form separate friendships and stop interacting with each other as much. I had heard as much, so the distance between us could only grow larger. Even though we were sisters, I never thought of Nagisa as my older sister, seeing as we were only one year apart.
“Nice to meet you, Mimi-chan!”
Smiling brightly, she tried to shake my hand. I wanted to ask her what she found so fun about this. I didn’t, but thought to myself that unlike me, she had surely been raised by her parents with love and care. She had the innocent eyes of one who believed without doubt that humans were intrinsically good beings. I somehow didn’t dislike this innocence I should have detested, and before I knew it I had given her my hand.
What was with this girl?
I didn’t know. I hadn’t a clue at all, and yet, seeing that unburdened smile on her face made my own heart begin to float. Although I thought this was silly, I didn’t mind it at all. While I was still confused by this new emotion, Yuika-senpai had returned to the second floor with Nagisa. Unexpectedly, she turned around to me and waved her hand.
“Mimi-chan, show me that game again next time.”
Spring had yet to come. But her smile was so gentle and warm that it created the illusion it had already arrived. I felt the pleasant sensation of my cheeks being caressed by a spring breeze, alongside a bit of itchiness.
It felt like just watching her smile would give me hay fever.
Overcome with a feeling I couldn’t quite place, I sighed silently. With the spring breeze gone, the living room felt awfully quiet and my game had become just a bit less enjoyable.
It’s not like anything major happened after that. I would play games with her and engage in a bit of small to talk from time to time when she came over to hang out. Amidst those eventless days piling up, I could feel an emotion that I didn’t know begin to sprout in my chest. Back then I had yet to understand the true nature of that feeling — something awkward yet lovely, like a dandelion about to fluff.
“Heey, Mimi-chan!”
One day at school, she had come running my way while energetically waving her hand. I felt like I’d been told before to walk quietly in the hallways, but despite being a third year, she didn’t really seem to care for the school rules.
I laughed softly.
“What’s up, Senpai?”
“I wanted to hang out with you today, Mimi-chan! I came over to invite you out!”
“With me?”
“Yeah. If possible, I’d like to get to know you better!”
I wondered if there was another human this straightforward. It had been my first time meeting someone like her. It should have been difficult and stressful for everyone to properly manage the social dynamics of a group or exist as part of a community.
But she flashed a pure smile, as if to say that she had never even heard of such things. She was my Senpai, yet she didn’t feel like one to me at all. But it was around that time that I started hoping for Yuika-senpai to never change how she was. I loved her innocent smile. My heart grew warm just from seeing it and my face would brighten up all by itself.
The reason why I got drawn in by her smile must have been because I had lived my life thinking about all kinds of useless things.
“Alright. Where are we going?”
“Hmm. Where would you like to go, Mimi-chan?”
“Why are you asking me when you’re the one who came over to invite me out?”
“Ugh, good point. Then I’ll have to act like a real senpai and be your escort, Mimi-chan.”
“Like a real senpai, huh?”
As I laughed, she pouted a little.
“Does that mean you think I’m sooo stupid because I usually don’t act like one at all?”
“I don’t think anything childish like that at all.
…actually I’m looking forward to this.”
“Yep, leave it to me. Okay, see you after school!”
“Yes, see you…”
Waving your hand as you parted ways with someone might have been something only grade schoolers did. I was weirdly into how she was acting so dorky. And so, I parted ways with my senpai before meeting up with her again after school to go hang out. The place she had chosen was a fairly large park.
“You see, the autumn leaves are always so pretty here at this time of the year.”
I didn’t tell her that I already knew.
Because the way she was proudly talking about it was so cute.
“Oh, is that so?”
“I wanted to see them together with you, Mimi-chan!”
“…Why?”
“Hm? Well, you know. I don’t get to do much with you outside, right? I really wanted the two of us to go see something beautiful together and go “Woah, that’s so pretty!” or something like that.”
We barely knew each other. Why would she go this far for me?
“Even though you could also go do this with Na-…with my big sister?”1
Just out of convenience, I called Nagisa Onee-chan when I was outside. I wasn’t used to calling her that though, so it felt a little out of place. As far as I was concerned, Nagisa was herself, and didn’t particularly feel like an older sister to me.
“Huh? This is something I can only do with you, Mimi-chan. Because you were the one I wanted to do this with.”
But why?
“I’d always thought that it’d be fun for us to walk around outside together like this. Felt like it’d be fun if it was with you, Mimi-chan.”
“…It’d be fun because it’s with me?”
“Very much so.”
My heart leapt. This was the first time somebody else showed me genuine affection. I had plenty of friends. We would also tell each other You’re cute, or I like you on a daily basis. But that wasn’t the same.
Almost like magic, Yuika-senpai’s words pierced my heart. Among the countless hows and whys cluttering my mind, her words alone shone clearly.
The autumn wind ruffled her hair. Amidst the rustling song of branches and leaves, she squinted up at the trees. Her profile was so dazzling, so beautiful, so lovely that it stole my breath.
But why?
Something was wrong with my heart. It was beating so fast that I wondered if I’d caught some disease, and the inside of my chest felt like it was about to burst. But it wasn’t painful. It was a mysterious sensation.
“I’d be glad if you could enjoy yourself, too, Mimi-chan.”
She beamed at me. That was the moment I finally understood.
I was in love with Yuika-senpai.
“…Yes. I’m enjoying myself. A lot. Yeah, a whole lot!”
“That’s great!”
I wondered why. It’s not like anything major had happened. She hadn’t rescued me when I was in trouble, and there hadn’t been any dramatic encounter either. But before even realizing it, I had become attracted to her.
She was a type of person I’d never met before, someone who would skip over all flattery, pretenses and fronts. I would constantly follow that dazzling smile without even noticing it. Just being illuminated by that shine made even my empty self produce a bright smile.
I thought I’d never fall for anyone. I had always thought that by avoiding unnecessary effort, making some friends to have fun with here and there as it suited me, I would more or less be able to enjoy my life.
But I could no longer live with the status quo. I started thinking that I’d like her smile to be directed only at myself. Even if I lost all my other friends, so long as I could just be together with her… Those are the kind of thoughts I had. But I quickly realized that would be impossible.
No.
Truthfully, I might have known from the start. About her feelings, that is. It was on the day after Senpai and Nagisa had graduated middle school. By chance, I had found Nagisa’s door standing open. Thinking how that was unusual for someone as shy and collected as Nagisa, I peeked into the room, to see the two of them inside.
“I don’t really get this part…”
“Ah, so for that…”
It was just another page in their everyday life. Nothing was unusual or strange about it. But when I saw it, I could feel my heart creak, like a machine that somebody had forgot to grease.
That’s because-.
Senpai was-
Yuika-senpai was showing a smile to Nagisa that I had never seen. She was smiling at Nagisa from a distance so many centimeters closer than I was. And in return, Nagisa was also giving Senpai a smile that she didn’t show at home.
So that’s how it was.
Senpai was in love with Nagisa. And likewise, Nagisa felt that way about Senpai.
“…Haha.”
I was an idiot. There had never been any room for me to squeeze in to begin with, let alone for me to think I could keep her to myself.
I really was an idiot. It’s not like I hadn’t known at all. Yuika-senpai always seemed so happy talking to Nagisa, and Nagisa always acted a little off when she saw Senpai talking to me. I had just always pretended not to see because I didn’t want to accept it. There was nothing I could do if those feelings were mutual.
If going out with Nagisa was what would make Senpai the happiest, then that was okay. Even Nagisa had been forced to live pushed around by the adults in our lives until now. She had the right to her own happiness. It wasn’t like I cared. Even if I wouldn’t be together with my first love, it’d be fine as long as I could live a happy life.
–That was a lie. All of that was false.
“…Shut up.”
My heart wouldn’t quiet down. I already knew that I was lying to myself, so I wished it wouldn’t spit out any unnecessary words.
I already knew. But even though I knew, I wondered if the only choice for me was still to just accept it.
I could never get in the way of Senpai’s happiness. I wanted her to go out with Nagisa without any worry or obstacle. Because if that happened, then her smile that I loved more than anything would remain unclouded. Telling this to myself, I left that place in front of Nagisa’s room.
After that day, my world lost its colors once again and I forgot about that vibrant emotion.
But then…
About a year had passed since then when I once again entered the same school as Senpai. It was the high school with the highest deviation score2 in the city, too, and the entrance exam was about as tough as you’d expect. But even so, I didn’t want to lose my connection to her — although I knew that continuing our relationship would be tough.
It was on a day about one month after I had entered high school when I noticed that Senpai had been acting a bit strange. Her smile was faintly overcast. In those sudden moments she would flash a pained expression, turning down her eyes as if enduring some sort of pain.
Had something bad happened to her?
I wanted to ask, but I thought she wouldn’t tell me even if I did. I was convinced that Yuika-senpai wouldn’t want to cause me any trouble.
Wanting to doubt my gut, I decided to ask Nagisa.
“Did something happen with Yuika-senpai?”
And Nagisa answered.
“…She said that she wanted to go out with me.”
“Ooh. Good for you. You liked her, right? So obviously, you’re going out with her now, right?”
“No, I turned her down.”
“…Huh?”
“I still have to work harder. I have to study even more, and live up to everyone’s expectations. I have to surpass everyone else…”
What? What did she just say? What was up with that? Was she fucking kidding me?
I almost reached out to grab her, but stopped myself. Even I knew how Nagisa was nearly being crushed by all the expectations surrounding her.
But if that was the case…
Why was she being that close with Yuika-senpai?
Why was she showing her that smile that she wouldn’t show anybody else?
Why, why, why?
If she never intended to go out with her in the first place, if she placed the expectations she had to carry even above her own happiness, if she was never going to go any further with Yuika-senpai, then she should have kept her distance without getting that involved with her.
My heart couldn’t keep up.
I knew there was no helping it, that we all would end up doing the things we had to. I myself had chosen the same high school as Yuika-senpai, even though I knew she would never be my lover.
And because Nagisa had her own demons, she had decided not to go out with Yuika-senpai even though she really did like her.
…So what?
She should have let go of all the pressure surrounding her. Going out with the person you loved, spending that time the way you wanted should come above all. Ah, but Nagisa had been stupidly sincere since way back. I bet that was also what Yuika-senpai–
…Yeah.
That didn’t matter anymore. If that was the path Nagisa had chosen, then that was it. And alongside my anger, I also couldn’t help but harbor joy in my chest. As it stood, Senpai wouldn’t be going out with Nagisa. So I had a chance. Thinking like that, a dark pleasure filled my heart. Even though Senpai was bound to have been hurt, and this was probably weighing on Nagisa, too… Despite of all this I was happy, happy to still be able to grasp for something that I had thought was out of reach.
That was it.
It was time to stop pretending I was a good person. I’d never been decent in the first place. If there was something I wanted, I’d definitely get it, no matter what means I’d have to use or what sacrifices I’d have to make. That was who I was.
That’s why it was time to stop holding myself back. Even if Yuika-senpai actually liked Nagisa, I’d just have to steal her away — her heart, her body all of it.
Having resolved myself to this, I began to come up with a plan.
★
At first, I came up with all kinds of reasons to approach Yuika-senpai. Although she was mostly her usual self, her smile had lost a little of the strength it held before.
And as I was dealing with her in this state, I felt a little frustrated because I could sense her feelings towards Nagisa in her actions and the things she said. I tried everything I could to slowly turn Yuika-senpai’s feelings in my direction. In the end, we made a pact and decided to spend our days as just Hanafusa Mimi and Amemiya Yuika.
To let her know more about myself I bared both my shame and my suffering to her. In turn, she also revealed her innermost feelings to me, and the distance between us shrunk.
I turned everything I could into my into weapons — even my worries and pain — in order to be with her.
As a result of that, I managed to get much closer to her than before.
…However.
“Senpai! Seeennnpaaaiii!”
As I reached out with my voice, Senpai’s body sprung up with a start. For a few days now, her behavior had been a little off. I thought something might have happened with Nagisa, but she wasn’t really behaving like that was the case.
Whatever it was, she acted like she had something to say to me. She would sometimes glance over at me, and turn away when our eyes met. I couldn’t remember her acting that strangely before.
It was a mystery. I had told her it was okay to get involved with me, but if she didn’t do some more of that I wouldn’t understand anything.
“W-what’s up?”
“Don’t what’s up me. It feels like your mind is totally somewhere else. Is something the matter?”
“…It’s nothing, though?”
I couldn’t help but sigh. I’d looked forward to hanging out with her after school, but it wouldn’t be much fun if she was like this, even though we’d come to a cute cafe that seemed to match her tastes. There would have been no point in us coming here if she didn’t properly enjoy it.
“But it’s painfully obvious that it’s not nothing…please tell me something. We’re friends, right?”
“…”
She showed me a doubtful expression.
Silently, she stared at me. Almost as if she was chiding me for doing something bad. I unconsciously tilted my head.
“…Well.”
Her tiny lips brought forth these words.
“Just the other day, you kissed me much more forcefully than usual, Mimi.”
“…What?”
“Even if you told me to forget about it, there’s no way I could. You were acting so differently from usual, Mimi.”
I had no memory of this. At least these last few days, I hadn’t kissed her, and I didn’t remember telling her to forget anything. Suddenly, something crossed my mind. A delivery from that same day. My spare necktie that hadn’t been on my clotheshanger. Nagisa, who’d tried to say something when Senpai was about to go home–.
So that was it.
So we thought alike, huh. I wondered if I ought to be impressed with my older sister, or lament how much Nagisa’s thought patterns matched mine. Well, no matter which, I wouldn’t let her get in my way now. Now that she’d realized just how much she’d lost, I no longer had any intention of letting go or playing the bigger person.
Even if that meant I could no longer stay at home. I would definitely get what I wanted, even if I had to give up everything else.
“…Hehe. Seeen-pai. Did you enjoy kissing me like that?”
I beamed at her. I figured that because she thought Nagisa would never do something like that, there was no doubt to her that it had been me. In that case, I’d use that to my advantage too. I didn’t know what she thought she had been doing, but I decided it’d be best if I pretended it had actually been me. Maybe that would sway Yuika-senpai’s heart just a little more my way.
“…That’s not what I meant.”
“It’s alright though, you don’t have to hide it.
…want to head out once we’re done eating?”
“…Yeah.”
Judging from that reaction, Nagisa must have kissed her quite passionately. That made my chest rumble a little. I felt it was foul play for her to come on to Yuika-senpai now, when she had already shot her down.
What exactly was she trying to do? Was she trying to mess with the relationship we had?
…I couldn’t believe that.
Unlike myself, Nagisa wasn’t that twisted. As her family, I understood more than anyone that she would behave earnestly, for better or for worse.
Well, whatever.
Right now I had something more important to worry about than Nagisa.
After we had finished our meal, I left the shop together with Senpai. On any other day, I would have enjoyed talking with her a little more, but today I pulled her by the hand as we walked into a deserted alley. Looking down, I met her soft gaze.
The faintest bewilderment was written on her face. But beyond that, I could feel her excitement. The way she was so honest at times like these was what I found cute about Yuika-senpai.
I softly placed my hand on her chin and then kissed her. It felt no different from the first time. Although because that time had been my first kiss, I’d been fairly tense on the inside. Today however, I felt a little more confident. That didn’t change how loudly my heart was thumping, though.
“Senpai…Please focus just on me.”
It was still a bit early to tell her about my feelings. If I threw my love at her while she was still hurt by what happened with Nagisa, she would probably be unable to bear it.
That’s why instead of putting it into words, I poured all those feelings into a kiss. Entwining our tongues more roughly than usual, I moved mine around as if to trace each of her teeth one by one.
I wondered if Nagisa had done the same thing.
I kissed her deeply, letting out all the feelings I could no longer suppress. But Senpai didn’t think that had been a kiss with Nagisa.
No, who knows? She might have secretly thought that it could have been Nagisa.
“…Haah- Mimi.”
“Yuika-senpai, you do it too, please.”
Bringing my hand to her waist, I kissed her even more deeply.
This time, Senpai brought her tongue forward assertively as well. The way she kissed, gasping for air, almost as if drowning, was really lovely.
Turns out I was really indecent, after all. If somebody else took a peek into my heart, they’d find it to be sullied.
But I could no longer hold my feelings back. As it turns out, out once you fell in love with somebody, you could no longer stay pure. I wanted to touch her. I wanted to be touched by her. I wanted to touch her until there wasn’t any place left on her body that I hadn’t touched — not a single spot. I wanted to touch it all. I thought it would be nice if I could even touch her heart.
As our lips parted, she voiced her reluctance.
When I had still been in middle school, I’d have never thought that I would be doing these things with Yuika-senpai one day. This future I hadn’t even imagined wasn’t as bad as I’d expected. Actually, it was good. I wanted to continue deepening my relationship with her, and do things that were even more intense.
But I’d have to watch out how I moved closer to her, or else I might get rejected. That’s why I would take it step by step and confirm things as I went. It was exactly whenever I was about to lose my cool that I had to hold onto it.
“You don’t have to forget about today’s kiss.. .Senpai, if you want to do it, let me know whenever.”
“Mimi, you… How many people have you kissed so far?”
Her cheeks were flushed as she asked me.
I laughed.
“Ah, come to think of it, I told you before that I’ve kissed a thousand times, but…
…That was a lie.”
“Eh?”
“The truth is, you were my first, Senpai… Does that make you happy?”
“…Yeah.”
She whispered to me.
My eyes widened at her unexpected words.
“Ah, no! That’s not what I meant! I’m just saying I’m relieved that you don’t live that kind of wild lifestyle, Mimi–”
I shut my noisy Senpai’s lips with another kiss.
Only muffled sounds escaped from between us.
If we got closer yet, she might find it even harder to reject me. I absolutely wanted to steal away Senpai’s heart, so I couldn’t mess this up. And if Nagisa was planning to do something else soon, then all the more reason to not let up.
“…I’m happy, too. That you feel this way.”
“…Uh.”
Senpai smoothly separated from me and began walking.
“L-let’s stop here today! See you tomorrow!”
She told me this with a deep red face before running off. I watched her leave until I could no longer see her and brought my hand to my lips.
Kissing her really felt good and it made my heart race no matter how many times we did it. It was entirely different from the unpleasant sense of apprehension I felt at home. Having fallen in love, I now knew that there were other ways your heart could throb.
I loved her. Even if it was ugly, filthy and gross, this feeling of love alone I couldn’t betray.
As if to overpower the sound of my heart beating so fast that it might break, I started running on the way home.
There was something I’d have to get back from Nagisa. She should have already returned home. Today wasn’t one of the days she’d go to the school’s library, and after tests she’d often study at home. As I returned home quietly, my parent’s shoes were not yet there.
Gently taking off my shoes, I entered the house. Trying not to make any sound, I ascended the stairs before standing still in front of Nagisa’s room. Then, I slowly opened the door. Nagisa was facing her desk as usual, earnestly working on solving test problems.
Since when was it that I realized that her back that once seemed so big was actually so very small? I put my weight forward and boldly moved my foot inside. It made a notable sound as it slid into the room.
“…Mimi? Knock when you’re coming into my room.”
“Yuika-senpai.”
Having turned around, her face stiffened. Seeing her get so agitated just from me throwing out that name, she really did kiss Senpai. It didn’t appear like she’d had any kind of plan, but just acted on a sudden impulse. She must have felt a sense of impending danger over the deepening relationship between Senpai and myself.
Or maybe she had actually seen what I’d done with Yuika-senpai in my room before? Not that it mattered. I didn’t really want to have a fight with Nagisa. It wasn’t like I felt any sense of rivalry or wanted to win against her. I just loved Yuika-senpai, that was all. I just wanted all of her.
How Nagisa felt about her didn’t really matter anymore.
“Did you enjoy that kiss with Yuika-senpai?”
“W-what are you talking about?”
“You suck at this. Even though you’re so good at acting like the perfect student in front of all the adults.”
I gently touched Nagisa’s cheek. Her mechanical pencil fell to the floor. It made a surprisingly large thumping sound. Seems like these mechanical pencils held more weight than you’d expect. Whatever.
“…Forgive me, Nagisa.”
Not like I actually expected her to. Just like before, I uttered these words of apology.
And then.
“…nh?!”
I brought my lips to Nagisa’s.
Naturally, they were completely different from Yuika-senpai’s. If it had been with Senpai, this would definitely feel good, but I didn’t feel anything from kissing Nagisa. This act was purely to steal back the kiss that Nagisa had stolen from Senpai before.
That’s why I kissed her just as fiercely as I had with Senpai before. Nagisa showed some signs of resisting, but since she did nothing but study, she couldn’t win against me in terms of strength. I held down her arms and kissed her deeper.
I noticed how she wasn’t biting my tongue or anything like that. She must have been held back by her sense of reason as an older sister. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a shred of that when it came to being her younger sister.
When our lips parted, Nagisa glared at me.
“What are you doing all of a sudden…!”
“I was taking back that kiss you got from Senpai.”
“…!”
“I’m not going to ask what you had in mind when you pretended to be me and kissed Senpai. I won’t tell her about it either. But I won’t let you have her. I’ll be the one who becomes her lover.”
I said this while looking straight into her eyes, and she averted hers. It seems like Nagisa understood herself that she was at a disadvantage here. Their feelings had even been mutual, and yet she was the one who threw away that advantage. I had no intentions of showing sympathy at this point, although I wasn’t angry at her for having rejected Senpai either.
“Why. Because you hate me?”
I laughed.
“That’s not it. Aren’t you being too self-absorbed? I’m just in love with Yuika-senpai, that’s all. At first I thought if you went out with her, Nagisa, that would be alright.”
She pressed her lips together. I picked up the mechanical pencil.
“The fact that I didn’t get in your way during middle school should be proof, right?
…But then you turned Yuika-senpai down, Nagisa.”
“That was…”
“I do understand how you feel. I get it, but you’re the one who chose that. You lost your chance, Nagisa. So that’s why when I deepen my relationship with Yuika-senpai… when I start going out with her. You can’t complain, okay?”
Softly, I placed the mechanical pencil into her hand. More so than holding Yuika-senpai’s hand, Nagisa preferred her mechanical pencil. To bear the meaningless expectations of our surroundings, she decided to face her notebooks. If so, then it couldn’t be helped.
“I will definitely go out with Senpai. No matter what gets in my way, no matter what problems stand before us, I’ll become her lover… I’ll become happy with her.”
Nagisa’s eyes wavered as I put my conviction into words.
I wondered why this had happened. Somehow, I myself still largely had my expectations of the world around me, hoping that I’d be praised instead of facing anger. But if I remained spellbound, then nothing would work out. That’s why I had decided to live together with Yuika-senpai once I had graduated high school. Until then, I had to make her heart see only me. I had to.
“And you, Nagisa? What do you want to do with Yuika-senpai, Nagisa?”
“I-I want…”
Her voice was broken, almost as if she was being strangled. If she could give a clear answer to this, I didn’t think she would have rejected her in the first place.
Well, it’s not like I’d expected her to give me a straightforward response anyway. And I wasn’t planning for this to turn one of those stories where we went “No matter who wins, there’ll be no hard feelings”, either. Nagisa was the one who’d taken off my shackles.
I’d wanted to become a proper little sister. Like a good person, I was planning to leave the person we loved to her, too. Or so I thought, but as it turned out, the pressure must have been too much.
“It’s okay. You don’t really have to say anything. I just wanted to explain my feelings, that’s all… see you then, Nagisa. Thanks for the kiss.”
Waving my hand, I left her room behind me. That should have hammered in the nail for her. She should have now understood that there was no point in coming on to Yuika-senpai with her half-hearted commitment. But even if she did find her resolve and decide to make a move, I wasn’t planning to let go for a single moment.
No matter how you looked at it, I wasn’t a decent person. But, had I been one, I wouldn’t have gotten as close with Senpai as I am now. That’s why I felt quite fortunate for being so twisted.
After returning to my room, I called Senpai on the phone. After three rings, she picked up. Considering how embarrassed she had been, she sure didn’t hesitate to pick up the phone. I liked that about her, though.
“Mimi? What’s up?”
“It’s nothing. I just wanted to hear your voice a little.”
“… I see.”
I talked to her a bit more loudly than I usually would. Although I didn’t actually know if my voice could be heard in the room next door.
“Senpai, are you home yet?”
“Yeah. I’m at home right now. What about you, Mimi?”
“I’m also back home by now.”
“Hm…”
She must’ve had her own thoughts about how things were for me at home. The complex feelings mixed into her long sigh told me as much. I would be lying if I said that it wasn’t hard on me. But I felt that if this struggle could become a weapon that let me get closer to her, then it would be alright. If it was for that goal, I’d have to use any means with no regard for shame, or my reputation, or anything else.
Even if we couldn’t have a beautiful love like in that movie I saw with Yuika-senpai the other day, If I could convey my feelings to the person I loved and be together with them forever, then I didn’t mind if it was filthy.
“Nothing much happened today, though. When I get sick of it all, I’d tell you, Senpai… If you’re that worried, I’ll come over to hang out at your place soon, Yuika-senpai.”
“Yeah, I’ll be waiting.”
Like that, we continued our idle chatter for a while. As I thought, talking to her calmed me down. I’d lost track of time while talking to her, but eventually it was time for dinner and she was called down by her parents.
“Sorry, looks like it’s time for dinner. Talk to you later.”
“Yeah. Later…”
With those words, she ended the call. The afterglow of our conversation lingered for a while after we hung up. I didn’t really need to reaffirm it at this point, but it turned out that I really was in love with Yuika-senpai.
I got happy just from listening to her voice, and my heart leapt. It felt like her words melted into my chest one by one. I thought it would be wonderful if one day, her smile would only be directed at me. For that to come true, I’d definitely have to take more steps, though.
Tightly, I hugged my own chest.
I wouldn’t let anybody get in my way.
No matter what happened, I’d make Yuika-senpai’s heart mine. Having found my determination, I let out a small sigh.
- Here she uses Onee-chan, which the reader probably doesn’t need an explanation for. It’s the familiar way of casually addressing one’s older sister, which Mimi-chan stopped doing as she explained earlier. ↩︎
- What Mimi is talking about here is that the cut-off score for passing entry exams into this school deviates from the national average (by being higher), meaning that it is hard to get into this high school and students there are the kind who get better grades on average. ↩︎
Ave Lilium Translations 