The significance of this was different from before, when the three of us had done a study session. A little nervous, I stood in front of her house. For some reason, there was a small cardboard box placed in the entryway of her home, like the ones from drop-off deliveries. Seeing that it had something like lens written on it, it must have been contact lenses. It also had Nagisa’s name on it, even though her eyes weren’t even that bad.
Wait, I shouldn’t be inspecting people’s deliveries that intently. It was impolite, and more importantly, made me look like a creep.
“Here, Senpai. Come on in.”
“Huh? I’m fine with leaving things here. If I intrude at this hour, I’m gonna be a bother, right?”
“It’s okay. Don’t mind my sister, you’re my guest.”
Having said that, she opened the door. It was a movement so careful that I could hardly believe it with how she usually acted. Careful not to make a sound, she slid her body through the gap in the door and it almost seemed to me like she didn’t want to be caught by somebody.
Why would she, when this was her own home?
As I was mulling this over, a hand beckoned me through the gap in the door. Nodding lightly, I sneakily entered the house just like she had. Even though I had confidently strode in when Nagisa had invited me before, It almost felt like I was doing something bad.
“Ah, looks like Onee-chan and my mother are already home. Oh, please leave your shoes wherever.”
“Yeah. Thanks for having me.”
Mimi-chan was whispering, and I followed suit. Polished loafers and high-heeled shoes were neatly lined up. I tried to place my own shoes next to those loafers, but before that, she placed hers there. Gently, I placed my shoes next to Mimi-chan’s. Seeing that, she let out a sigh.
“As you know, my room’s on the second floor.”
She walked without making a sound. There were signs of somebody in the living room on the first floor, but they didn’t seem to notice us and no attempt to announce our return was made. Is this alright? I thought to myself as I followed her, passing by Nagisa’s room into Mimi-chan’s.
When we had been in middle school, I had come to her room many times. But this was my first time in here since I had become a high schooler. Mimi-chan’s room hadn’t changed all that much since the last time I‘d been here. It was mostly undecorated, with not much of note besides a spare blouse on a clothes hanger.
“…Huh?”
Seeing the hanger, Mimi-chan raised her voice as if she had noticed something. I tilted my head.
“Is something the matter?”
“…No. It’s nothing.”
Having said that, she sat on the bed. Like before, she was trying to stay quiet. It didn’t suit her at all. But because there was still so much I didn’t know about her, it was probably wasn’t my place to say what did and didn’t suit her.
“You can sit next to me.”
“…Sure.”
Softly, I sat down beside her. I sensed a sweet smell. It was that pleasant scent of hers that I already knew well. Right now, though, things felt a bit awkward. Quietly, I put the bag down on her small table. She in turn set both her own bag and mine down on the floor.
Just like that, we ran out of things to do and fell silent. I felt I had to do something — but what, I didn’t know. It’s just that I was sure there must have been something she wanted me to do, having invited me to her room like this. I decided to wait until she would say what that was, even if it was in a roundabout manner.
It was a terrible silence.
Nagisa was surely studying next door, and downstairs their mother must have been doing something. And yet, it was so utterly silent that I couldn’t pick up a single sound.
“Why is it, I wonder?”
Her head met with my shoulder. Long hair softly tickled the nape of my neck.
“I’d always thought that I never wanted you to see me in this pitiful state, Yuika-senpai.”
Her voice was terribly low. But to my ears, it was a strangely piercing sound.
“But maybe after seeing you being so vulnerable, Senpai, it felt like maybe it was okay for me to show you my own weaknesses too.”
“…I see.”
Until just a while ago, I hadn’t revealed my fragility to Mimi-chan. Since she was a kouhai to me, I really did want to appear cool before her. We hadn’t been so close that I could show her my weak sides or be privy to hers. We’d gotten closer only after I’d experienced heartbreak for the first time.
Recently, though, we’d reached the point where I could not only show her my vulnerabilities… but even kiss her. With her being my friend’s younger sister, we had been in a bit of a tricky position. While I could interact with her in a fairly casual manner, there was also a certain awkwardness to it.
But still, here we were. I was no longer seeing her as Nagisa’s younger sister, but as the girl called Mimi-chan, the one and only. That didn’t even begin to explain it, though. I took her hand.
“…You know, I’m an invisible child.”
“…Invisible?”
“Yes. Our parents are both so-called elites. And they’ve expected us to live that same life ever since we were young.”
Not saying a thing, I quietly listened to her speak. To my surprise, the words flowed out from her rapidly.
“My sister could always live up to these expectations, in the best and worst sense, but as for me, well… I’m like this.
…At first, I tried really hard, you know. But I just wasn’t blessed with the talent.”
“…Mimi-chan.”
“So then I stopped trying so hard. Like, if I just could enjoy life, then the rest didn’t matter.
…But, well. In the end, it wasn’t exactly a good thing to not meet those expectations.”
Sighing softly, she fixed her gaze on me. Since the curtains had been drawn shut, the room was a little dark even with the lights on.
“They don’t even expect anything from me anymore. So long as they have my sister, they should be happy with that.
…But still, they give me an earful when I show my face. When I get failing grades, it gets really bad, I tell you.”
She was speaking with an awfully gleeful voice, I thought. Just like me, when I told Nagisa that I wanted to continue being friends.
“And that’s how I became an invisible child. Not being noticed by anyone, not showing my face, keeping a low profile in this house. As long as I do that, I can get by without being worn down.”
“…Are you alright?”
It felt like anything I said would feel out of place here, so that’s all I asked. She smiled softly.
“I’m already used to it. How many years do you think I’ve lived in this house?”
“…Just because you’re used to it doesn’t mean it stops hurting.”
…Hehe. You’re right. It’s the same for you, right, Senpai?”
“Yeah. On the surface, I keep up my appearances, but inside, I don’t feel like that at all. It’s as if a cut that’ll never heal is constantly being exposed to the air.”
“…Ah. I think I kinda get it.”
Family matters and a broken heart – those were certainly two entirely different circumstances. Nonetheless, I somewhat understood how she felt. Yet, unable to fix any of that, my sympathy was the best I could offer her. Still, I wanted to believe this wasn’t meaningless.
“I think it’s their fault for just putting all these expectations on me, and then getting disappointed in me, but I still blame myself for not being able to meet those expectations, and I just hate them, hate it all… and now I wonder why my stupid parents even had me. It’s just so much.”
“Mimi-chan, you’ve got a lot on your plate.”
“Yeah. But lately, I’ve been able to enjoy myself a bit.”
“…For real?”
“High school lets you get away with more stuff than middle school, and I have my friends, too.
…And what’s more, I have you, Senpai.”
Those words made my heart leap. I didn’t know what she meant, what Mimi-chan thought about me, or what she wanted from me.
But knowing that she wanted something from me, that felt good. I couldn’t help the pounding in my chest, and I wanted her to want me more.
I might just have been weaker than most people out there.
“Senpai, you’ve always had some interest in me, haven’t you?
…Why is that?”
Even if she wanted a more specific answer, wasn’t it normal to hold some curiosity about your friend’s sister?
“You want to know why?”
“…Never mind. It’s alright. This is just how you are, Senpai. That’s all there is to it.”
Having said so, she pulled me by the hand. My body leaned over a bit, and her face drew closer. And then her lips touched my ear.
“Senpai. The person who misled you, they were in the wrong, no?”
“…I wonder.”
I thought they might not have been. After all, if I put it all on the person who made me misunderstand, that would just mean I’d be blaming Nagisa for everything.
But just a little…
Just for the littlest bit, I did feel that the person who made me misunderstand it all was to blame. But it was foolish to think of it that way when I was the one who got rejected.
“It’s true. The one who misled you in the first place is to blame for it all.”
I hated myself for thinking You’re right, when hearing those words. Even though Nagisa hadn’t done anything wrong, there was a part of me that wanted to put it all on her, and it was ugly. And I had honestly thought myself to be a good person, too.
But in reality, I was unseemly, filthy, and cruel.
“So that’s why, Senpai…
This is your fault.”
“Eh?”
She pushed against my shoulder. Then, she sat atop of me, just like she had done before. Of course, this was the first time it happened in her room.
An unmistakable weight, and a sweet fragrance. My head spun, and looking up at her face, she somehow seemed distant. The parts of me she was touching were becoming so hot that I thought they would melt. I felt afraid, but of what, exactly, I didn’t know.
“Wouldn’t I start to misunderstand your interest in me? When you smile at me, I almost end up thinking that I have some kind of worth after all.”
“…Mimi-chan, there’s plenty good things about you.”
“…Really, now. Alright, Senpai. Let me do the things I want now.”
That was the agreement we had made before. I would do with Mimi-chan what I liked, when I liked it, and she would do the same with me. That’s why I had gone with her to the places she wanted to today, to try and learn more about her.
And now the return payment was this. I wondered if this was alright. But perhaps it was because we had kissed instead of putting our stamps on a written contract that no feelings of rejection sprung up as she was coming onto me.
On the contrary, I might have hoped for this a little bit. That I could do with her what I couldn’t with anybody else. I kept my eyes tightly closed as she licked the nape of my neck. Alongside her hot breath, I felt the touch of her tongue. My heart racing, I still had to avert my face even though my eyes were shut.
“Senpai. Do you mind if I leave marks?”
“…Don’t ask.”
“Does that mean you want me to do it? Or that you don’t want me to?”
She spoke with a playful voice, as if she had completely seen through me. We had made a contract that we’d get to do the things we like, so she didn’t even have to ask. So when sought my consent anew like this, it suddenly became embarrassing to say yes. Even though we’d done plenty of things that made me more bashful than this. As I thought about this, a sharp pain ran through my neck. By mark, she hadn’t meant a hickey, but an actual bite mark. She bit into my neck so hard that I half expected to hear a gulping sound.
It hurt, but I didn’t dislike it.
“…When they disappear, I’ll give you more anytime. Until I’m etched into you forever.”
“Payback for the konpeito?”
“Hehe. Could be. Senpai, please let me follow your example.”
My necktie came off. One button came undone. It made a weirdly distinct sound. I was a bit tense because my underwear was about to become visible, but it was a bit too late for that now — she’d seen it before.
I wondered if she’d compliment it again. My thoughts were so shallow that I could almost laugh. Feeling her breath, I braced myself for the next bout of pain, but this time she sucked at my skin with a gentle kiss. It didn’t hurt. And because it didn’t hurt, I was confused all the more.
Having my body marked over and over, as if the emotions that existed only here and now were being engraved into me, made my heart race ever faster. Even if she’d only done it once, it felt like the sensation of her would remain with my body forever. But unsatisfied with just that, she continued to leave marks — at times, hickeys, and at times, bite marks — on my neck, my chest and my collarbone.
“Senpai. Yuika-senpai.”
“…Mimi…-chan.”
“Please feel me. Please don’t forget me. Please desire me.”
Hers was a quiet voice, but one that resonated in my heart. Almost like a cry from within, this voice reverberated in my head without ever leaving. Beyond the bewilderment I had felt, an even stranger swirling sensation was rocking my heart and body. Breathing heavily as if I had just run a marathon, I opened my eyes slightly to look at her face.
I should have bashfully shut them closed, but when I saw her face I relaxed and became so endeared that the thought seemed terribly stupid.
How bad could I get? My half-baked feelings nearly brought me to tears.
Along with that tinge of self-loathing, I gently hugged her head against my chest. Her hair spread out over the open front of my school uniform. It felt gentle, ticklish, and pleasant.
“More…hurt me more.”
“…Okay.”
Squirming about, she moved her head on top of my chest. Then, opening up one more button, she softly sucked just a little bit above where my underwear begun.
It hurt.
But, with how I was right now, that must have been exactly what I needed. Even though I still liked Nagisa, I was attracted to Mimi-chan. What was my problem? Surely, these feelings were wrong.
But still.
It felt good.
“…I left so many marks on you. So cute.”
Why say that now, of all times? This truly was making me happy. And because it made me happy, it made me hate myself. What in the world even was love? When it came to those feelings of “love” that you had for your friends or family, it was okay to love more than one.
But with this sort of love, having more than one was no good. That was just my own opinion, though. I wondered how everyone else thought of it. As for me…
“Gym class is gonna be a no-go with all these marks.”
“Why? You might actually be able to get away with it if you’re brazen enough.”
“…In that case. Can I also give you some marks, Mimi-chan?”
“You can’t. I don’t like it when it hurts.”
“…How unfair.”
“Yeah. I’m unfair. I’m both a kouhai and a younger sister, after all.”
So she just admits it.
I thought to myself. Saying nothing more, I just looked down at the marks on my own body. Those moments with the dagashi would one day turn into fun memories. The kind of memory that would make me think and go Oh, we did that once, didn’t we?
But, what would become of this? What kind of memories would these deep-red traces turn into after one, five, ten years? How should I feel about them? While I couldn’t stop these doubts, that light fluttering feeling, almost stroking my chest, was incessant and I felt like letting out a sigh.
“…Senpai, isn’t there anything you want to do to me in return?”
She unexpectedly said. I quietly gazed into her eyes. They were the same as always, with no signs of worry or fear. It was relieving. But truthfully, I also found it a little boring.
“Anything is fine?”
“Yes. Whatever you want to do.”
“…Okay then.”
She had told me I couldn’t leave marks, but I could do what I wanted. Was it because Mimi-chan trusted me that I wouldn’t do anything that she really disliked? After deliberating for a moment, I pushed my head into her bosom with a thud.
I could feel her softness and her heartbeat.
It was faster than I had expected. But because I didn’t know the reason why her heart was beating so quickly, I couldn’t really be happy about it.
“Hold me tight, just for a bit.”
“…Okay.”
And so, she gently embraced me. It felt great. Although, it seemed like I was beginning to understand less and less if this was right or wrong, if this was difficult, or if it was actually easy. Nonetheless, being hugged by her like this certainly felt good. I let go of my thoughts, surrendering myself to her. For a while, I continued rubbing my head against her chest.
At some point we naturally drifted apart, and when the time came for me to head out it had gotten fairly late. I felt bad about making Mimi-chan sneak around, so when she wanted to see me off, I stopped her with my hand and went to the doorway by myself. Just as I was putting on my shoes, I caught a fresh scent from somewhere. My reaction was to turn around.
“You’re here, Yuika.”
Sure enough, it was Nagisa. I didn’t know since when she had been there, but she was simply standing in the hallway wearing her school uniform.
“Nagisa. Sorry for the intrusion. I was just about to head out.”
She didn’t respond. Maybe it was because the light wasn’t on in the hallway, but I wasn’t able to make out her expression in the dark very well. It must have been a bit brighter when I had arrived, but by now it was almost pitch black.
“Wait. Your necktie is crooked.”
Even in this darkness, it seemed like she could make out my necktie just fine. She might have been here long enough for her eyes to adjust.
No, I thought, there’s no way. There was no reason for her to wait here all that time. Besides, she should have been busy with her studies anyway. As I could feel her drawing closer, I attempted to turn her away and fix it myself. But before that could happen, her hand reached out to me from the darkness and grabbed my necktie.
She was strong enough to surprise me. Unlike Mimi-chan, Nagisa shouldn’t have been this fit.
“Hey, Yuika.”
She spoke in a hushed voice. It was unusual for Nagisa to speak like that in this house. I was a little overwhelmed by her acting so unlike her usual self.
“What were you doing with Mimi-chan?”
“…Huh?”
While that was just a simple question, it also sounded a little like an interrogation.
My heart skipped a beat. Had we been seen? Or perhaps we had been overheard? No, that shouldn’t have been possible. The door had been closed properly and we had mostly avoided making sounds. We had even kept our voices down. Nagisa shouldn’t have caught on to what I had been doing with Mimi-chan. I sighed softly.
“We were eating sweets.”
“…Sweets?”
“Yep. You know that dagashiya down the alleyway? We bought some together there…”
With her slender fingers swiftly worked on my necktie. Even considering how proper she always was, I was impressed at how good she was at fixing people’s ties. Because I had hurried to put on mine after taking it off before, it must have been a bit off in a number of ways. In the first place, my hands hadn’t ever been that dextrous.
Being this close to her made me excited in all kinds of ways. As always, I could pick up her pleasant fragrance, and just being touched by her made me happy. But still, I was a little nervous about her discovering the marks that Mimi-chan had left behind.
Just like before, I couldn’t be touched by Nagisa without thinking impure thoughts. That, too, couldn’t be helped, I guess.
“I see… It’d be great if you continued to get along with Mimi-chan from here on out. That girl seems to have taken a liking to you, Yuika.”
“Yeah, of course. Mimi-chan is an important friend to me, so I’m gonna keep on doing that.”
“…”
With a pulling motion, she neatly tightened my necktie. Then, she looked me over. She came so close that I thought my breath would stop. Because of the things that I had done with Mimi-chan while she was wearing the same getup as Nagisa, my heart sped up even more.
If our lips came just a bit closer, we would be in kissing distance, too. But I thought that giving her a surprise kiss here wouldn’t mean a thing. When it came to kisses, it was the feelings that counted – just putting your lips together wasn’t good enough.
I was aware that I was just pretending to understand all of that, though.
“…Nagisa. Is everything alright?”
Hearing me say this, Nagisa smiled in the darkness.
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
Her voice was so devoid of emotion that it startled me. Involuntarily, my eyes shot open. This was the first time I heard a voice like that from Nagisa. But before I could figure out what it meant, she pulled back from me.
“…I’ll leave Mimi-chan to you. There isn’t all that much I can do for her.”
“…Yeah.”
On one hand there was Nagisa, who lived up to all the expectations, and on the other was Mimi-chan, who didn’t. It seemed like there was quite a bit of distance between the two. But having said all of that, Nagisa still cared for Mimi-chan. That was the Nagisa that I knew. I had a feeling that there was more to it than that, though.
“Hey, Yuika. What if I-“
Just as she was about to say something more, we heard the sound of footsteps from the stairs. No doubt, they were Mimi-chan’s. Before, she hadn’t made a single sound, but now she was making so much noise that the entire hallway seemed to reverberate.
Thump, thump, thump.
Reverberating. Closer and closer. That sound, her sound.
“…Nevermind, it’s nothing. Let’s study together again sometime.”
“Yep, thanks for having me over. And see you later, Mimi-chan.”
I extended my voice towards the staircase. There was no reaction, but the footsteps stopped. And with that, I turned my back on the dark entryway. I looked up at the sky to see that the sun had already completely set. The days had gotten long recently, but even then, the sun had already set at this time of night. Feeling a little relieved, I involuntarily looked back to their home.
I had never felt it until now. For me to feel something this oppressive — this painful — must have been because I had learned about the circumstances of their family. Sighing softly, I started walking. I wondered if there was anything I could do for Mimi-chan and Nagisa.
But was there really anything my insignificant self could do?
All I could come up with was to listen to their worries.
★
I’d always thought this but, wasn’t the timespan between the mid-terms and the end of semester too short? Just when we thought the mid-term tests were over, finals were just one month ahead. Us students were trying to keep up with studying every day to the point where we didn’t have any time for fun… maybe that was an exaggeration, though.
Speaking of why I came to think that…
“Haa…”
Looking at her test results, Yuzuha slumped down onto her table. Following that brief moment when the mid-term tests were over and we celebrated to the utmost, the return of these tests really took the wind out of our sails. Such was the norm for us students; ’twas an inescapable destiny.
Having said that, because we were students, studying really was our main job. Seeing as my grades were fairly high up there, I wasn’t really that deflated even after receiving my scores.
“Yo, have a look at this. The lowest score in the class. What a joke.”
“Even though we did a study group…”
“You certainly taught me about the importance of reviewing material.”
“Come oooon.”
By the way, our high school was supposedly the most prestigious one in the city, so the tests were on the harder side. That’s why I didn’t think she needed to be that down over having the lowest score.
“What about you, Yuika? Get a good score?”
“Pretty much, yeah. I’ve been reviewing, after all.”
“Huh. Good job. I knew you could do it…”
“What kind of character are you supposed to be…?”
“Your senpai.”
“What’s up with that? Anyhow, you avoided any failing grades, right? You said that supplementary classes were such a drag.”
“You’re right about that one.”
Yuzuha puffed out her chest, and I sighed a little.
“Don’t get all up on your high horses.
…but hey, good job. You worked really hard.”
“Right? Go ahead and praise me some more.”
“Yeah, yeah.”
While we were talking, there suddenly was a commotion in a corner of the classroom. It looked like the girl who had somehow gotten the best grades since the first year was being praised by everyone for doing it again. Since our first school year, she had been a bit of a celebrity. Always ranking on the top in our tests, she was also kind to everyone, and both cute and pretty on top of that.
I was sure there must have been lots of people who had been mistaken just like me and were utterly rejected after confessing to her. I didn’t really know though, because she didn’t talk about those sorts of things.
Maybe she had a lover?
Who knows.
I wanted to ask, but never had managed to do so. If she actually told me she did, I think that would drive me insane…even now, I’m sure of it.
“Nagisa’s keeping it up as usual. If she was good at sports on top of that, she’d be the perfect superwoman.”
“That’s what’s good about her. If she was strong at everything, she would just be unrelatable.”
“That’s actually convincing, coming from somebody like you who’s bad at sports, Yuika.”
“Who’s bad at sports again?”
“How do your grades in PE usually turn out?”
“…No comment.”
I knew that already. Physical activity didn’t suit me, my sense of direction sucked, I was clumsy with my hands, and I was the kind of person who had more things they couldn’t do than things they could. Having said that, I didn’t dislike being that way at all.
It wasn’t just about what I could do, but rather, that I had close friends who would praise lots of different things about me.
On that note, recently there had been way too much going on and I had started to wonder if there was something wrong with me. I guess self-love was unexpectedly difficult.
“Hey, after school today, want to do an post-exam celebration? We could invite Nagisa, too.”
“When we already had one just the other day…?”
“So what? We should take any opportunity to liven things up. Come on, go ahead and invite Nagisa.”
“…Yeah, yeah.”
That must have been her way of being considerate. It was about time for me to get over her, too. Because I’d recently had lots of opportunities to hang out with Mimi-chan, I’d begun thinking that my feelings for Nagisa were changing, little by little. Even so, the day when I’d completely forget about them was still far off.
Slowly raising from my seat, I approached Nagisa.
“Yuika? What’s up?”
I really loved how she immediately noticed me even when she was surrounded by so many people. That alone made my chest swell, but unfortunately it also led to the words I was about to utter getting stuck in my throat. I spoke while putting on the usual smile.
“I’m having a post-exam celebration with Yuzuha today. Wanna join, Nagisa?”
As I had said that, Nagisa’s face grew a little concerned. And that expression was enough to make my chest throb with pain.
“…I’m sorry. I have to do a bit of reviewing today.”
“I see. You’re really amazing, Nagisa. Uh, yeah… do your best.”
“…Yeah.”
Mimi-chan would occasionally make these sorts of pained expressions. I wondered if Nagisa was alright. I’d been spending a lot of time with Nagisa since middle school, but I’d never heard her say that she was in trouble or having a rough time. She always wore a happy smile and calmly yielded to the expectations of those around her.
That’s why even when she might really have been alright, I thought back to Mimi-chan, and started worrying a little about Nagisa. Having said that, there was nothing I could do, even if I did worry. I’d just come off as obtrusive even if I did meddle because Nagisa made a point of never showing her her weaknesses.
I wondered how involved I could get, how much distance was the right amount. As I was now, I couldn’t properly judge how much distance there should be between two people.
“I was shot down.”
As I returned to Yuzuha’s seat, she narrowed her eyes.
“That so. Welp, then it’s the two of us.”
“Yeah. Where do we go?”
“Well, since we did Karaoke for our last afterparty…”
While we were deliberating our after school plans, we waited for the next class to begin. Because I didn’t want to think to deeply about everything, I avoided looking in her direction. That’s why when I thought she was looking my way instead, I ended up never knowing whether or not it was just my imagination.
When I had returned to my own seat, she had her eyes trained to the front.
And so, the school day ended. We ended up stopping by a fast food place in the neighborhood and had a lively, inconsequential conversation about our test results and student lives.
Ever since the first year, it was surprisingly often that Yuzuha and I had these talks. I was the type to keep my circle of friends on the narrow and deep in the first place, so I didn’t really have a lot of people to hang out with. Restlessly chewing on some potato fries, I focused my ears on her voice and the surrounding noise.
I didn’t like fast food all that much, but then again, I appreciated how it really made me feel that I was a high schooler. It was because we were eating amid all the commotion that I felt this way.
“By the way. Haven’t you been hanging out with that girl Mimi-chan a lot lately?”
I was a little taken aback because I hadn’t expected to hear Mimi-chan’s name from Yuzuha’s mouth.
“Yeah. We’ve been hanging out a bit, I guess…why?”
“Well, you know. I happened to overhear some eyewitness reports.”
“Eyewitness reports…?”
Depending who had seen us, and at what time, this could go all kinds of ways. Regarding her acting as Nagisa on a date with me, we had probably picked a suitably distant place that this wouldn’t be an issue. If it was about me getting along well with her, there was nothing in particular to hide. But considering the hidden side of our relationship, if somebody had found out about that special contract we shared, that would definitely cause lots of problems.
I believed that until lately, nothing questionable had been going on in my life. But now, it felt like I had attained some secrets that definitely needed to stay that way and lived my life in a way that was all but conventional. And because it was with Mimi-chan, I didn’t mind that at all.
“That’s about what I heard. Anyway, I’m relieved. It’s a good thing to be able to get along with different kinds of people.”
“Haa…”
While I ate my fries, unsure of where this was going, our table started to vibrate. Looking for the cause on it’s surface, I realized that it was my smartphone that really vibrated. Seemed like somebody was calling.
And it was Nagisa, no less. My mood that had just relaxed immediately became tense again. At a slight loss, I tapped the receive button.
“Yuika!”
It was a loud voice, untypical for Nagisa. I got so startled that I nearly dropped my phone, but quickly regained my composure.
“Nagisa? What happened? You’re so flustered.”
“Mimi fought with our mother and ran away from home!”
“Mimi-chan ran away…?”
“Looks like she was being told off over her exam results. I was in my room at the time, so I don’t know what exactly happened…”
I directed my eyes to the clock that hung in the store. It was currently half past six. It was just about to get dark and dangerous outside. I grabbed my bag and stood up.
“I’m worried that she’d do something dangerous out of desperation…! Yuika, if you can, I’d like you to try looking for her, too!”
It was the first time I heard a voice like this from Nagisa. Without thinking, I held my smartphone tighter.
“Okay, got it. I’ll try searching on my end as well. I’ll contact you when I find her. Later.”
As soon as I hung up, I wanted to start walking, but first I turned to Yuzuha.
“Sorry. Looks like Mimi-chan ran away from home.
…I have to look for her.”
Crumpling the wrapping paper of her hamburger, she stood up.
“Okay. I’ll clean this up. You go look for her. I’ll also go search as soon as I’m done here.”
“Got it, thanks.”
Briskly walking through the shop, I left as soon as the automatic door opened. I had absolutely no clue where Mimi-chan could be. I was just running until my breath became ragged, my legs carrying me once again to the places we had visited before.
The cinema we had been to, the small station I normally don’t get off at, the batting center, the street with the dagashiya. As if searching through our memories, I tried going to all these places. But in the end she was nowhere to be found and the back of my throat started hurting.
That one time, that day when she had called me to her place, maybe I could have done something more. Even though I couldn’t change anything about her family’s circumstances and couldn’t intervene in their affairs at all — if I had done more than just sympathize and console her and given her better advice, if I had told her more specifically what she could do or how to deal with her stress…
Moreover, I could have said something more befitting of being her senpai.
…If only I had pried into her feelings a little deeper. But as it stood now, whenever I tried to connect to somebody’s feelings, I was afraid that I might get rejected and end up hurt. Scared of being hurt, hiding in my shell like a sea urchin, I had been unable to help Mimi-chan when she was lost.
I was completely useless.
And I knew that as long as I was afraid to change, there would be no other outcome. Now that Mimi-chan had disappeared somewhere, what could I even do? With this restless anxiety twisting in my chest, it felt like my heart would come apart.
What should I do, what could I do? My heart was pounding so loudly that the noise was making me lose my cool. My throat tightened, heat welled up in my eyes, and my legs threatened to stop.
But I couldn’t do that just yet. When I had covered all the places she might have gone with no results to show for it and was just blindly running around, my smartphone vibrated again. Thinking that Nagisa or Yuzuha might have found Mimi-chan, I quickly pressed the “receive” button.
“Did you find Mimi-chan?”
I spoke without waiting for the other person to say anything. There was no reply. Instead, I could hear a faint laugh, almost as if somebody was holding it back.
That voice.
“…Mimi-chan?”
“Exactly, Senpai. Good evening.”
Here voice wasn’t that different from the usual, and I could feel my heart starting to crumble.
“Good evening, my ass.”
“…Senpai?”
“We’re all so worried! Mimi-chan, where are you right now?!”
“Where could I be? Well, does it really matter? I’m just about to go back home, so you should too, Senpa-“
“It does matter!”
I was completely out of breath. Because I didn’t do any exercise outside of PE classes and had been running all this time, speaking just that little bit tired me out. But now, my words wouldn’t stop.
“I’m worried. I’m scared. When you disappeared like this, Mimi-chan, I didn’t know what to do and it felt like my heart would burst from the anxiety.
…so please tell me where you are right now.”
I was walking on that gloomy street illuminated just by the streetlights. Even the more familiar roads were already scary when it was dark out, but it was even scarier now that I was somewhere unfamiliar. But beyond this darkness, Mimi-chan might be waiting. That’s why I kept my legs moving forward.
Steadily, left, right, left, right. I could hear nothing but my footsteps. Even in this touristy area, once you entered the alleys, it was just a normal street. Walking them at night, hardly a person could be seen around, and my withering heart felt like it was about to melt and disappear into the dark.
“Right now, I’m in a place where you absolutely won’t find me no matter how much you look, Senpai.
…Didn’t I tell you that already?”
My fingers were freezing. As all my senses grew duller, it looked like the thing that was me would fade with them.
“If you won’t succeed in the first place, just give up. Won’t that work out for you? Just let it be and go home, and you can see me sooner or later.”
“That won’t do.”
My throat hurt. My legs hurt, too, and so did my chest. In contrast to all my senses growing numb from the cold, the pain alone grew more vivid.
“I want to see you now. I want to see you right now. I want to see your face, Mimi-chan.”
“…Why is that?”
“Because you’re an important friend, and someone I want to understand better. Mimi-chan, when I think about you being alone in this dark city, I can’t bear it.
…That’s why.”
“It’s okay. I’m in a place that’s bright.”
Pomf, was the sound that came out of my smartphone. A sound as if one soft object bumped into another soft object. That sound was a lot like when I would tiredly drop onto my bed.
…bed?
Mimi-chan must have been at some hotel. No, that probably wasn’t it. At a friend’s house, perhaps? Hard to imagine. I didn’t take her for a girl who had difficulties asking people for help, but I also didn’t think she was the type to go to a friends house at a time like this. So then where could she-
No, hold on.
There was still one place I’d visited with Mimi-chan that I hadn’t been to today. Thinking what if, I broke into a run once again.
“Mimi-chan, stay right where you are.”
“…Okay.”
I could hear the sound of fabric. It was a sound so familiar that I could recognize it even through my phone. They say it’s hard to see what’s under your nose1, but I would never have thought that she’d be there. I desperately bid my aching legs to move, running back home.
This might have been the first time since the winter marathon event that I’d run this much. In that competition I’d mostly been in the rear group, but I was faster today than back then. Even though I was out of breath and my lungs hurt like they were being crushed, my legs kept moving forward. My whole body was drenched in sweat. On a day like this, summer fast approaching, this was what you got for running with all you had.
But that was just proof that I didn’t have it in me to leave Mimi-chan alone. Even though my feelings were murky, my actions perfectly mirrored my heart. It was my first time moving my legs like this. I realized that the feelings I held for Mimi-chan were stronger than I had thought, and that had nothing to do with her being Nagisa’s younger sister. I wanted to know more about that single human known as Mimi Hanafusa.
More, much more. I wanted to get closer to her. If I could just set one step into that heart and touch what was deep at her center… Running while my thoughts spun, I finally reached my own home.
The door plate read Amemiya as it always did, and there was nothing unusual to the house looking at it from the outside. Catching my breath just a little, I put my hand on the doorknob. Without resistance, the door opened. I took a deep breath and spoke.
“I’m home.”
“…Welcome back, Senpai.”
I practically threw my shoes off. Resolutely stomping on the ground, I moved forward. Then, I tightly hugged the girl in front of me. She smelled a bit like myself. I got a gentle impression of the shampoo I used, and in the instant I noticed it, my vision got blurry.
“Senpai. Too tight.”
“Shut up.”
“You’re drenched in sweat.”
“Deal with it.”
I held her with so much strength that she might just have broken. It was neither a dream nor an illusion; this was what Mimi-chan felt like. Warm, soft, a little taller than me — the same as always. I was relieved. My chest was gripped almost painfully by this sensation of security so much that I nearly couldn’t breathe in spite of my happiness. There was no way I could have been sad, and yet tears flowed down my face to be absorbed by the clothes on her body.
“Took you a while to come home, huh.”
“Mimi-chan, Isn’t that your fault, stupid?”
“I’m pretty sure my first idea was for you to give up searching right away and come home.”
“As if I could. You’re too important, you know.”
She wrapped her arms around my back.
“I’m important to you?”
“You are. Even though I show you all my useless sides and can never do anything for you as a senpai. You’re still an important friend.”
“…Is that so? Important enough that you searched for me until you got this drenched in sweat?”
“Yeah. Seems like I’m surprisingly bad at giving up.”
“Thanks a lot…and I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. But don’t forget to properly apologize to Nagisa later. She was worried about you.”
“…Understood.”
While we were talking, both my heart and body calmed down. Finally, my heart stopped thumping and I was able to breathe properly. Then, as I remembered that I was all drenched in sweat while hugging Mimi-chan, I tried to let go of her.
“Um, Mimi-chan?”
“What is it, Senpai?”
“Erm, don’t What is it, Senpai? Me! I must be reeking of sweat…”
“Weren’t you the one who hugged me first, Senpai? Please deal with it.”
Met with the exact same words I had just said, there wasn’t much I could do. Mimi-chan must have just come out of the bath, nice as her fragrance was. And she somehow seemed to enjoy how I was overconscious of this. We kept hugging a little while longer, until my Mom’s face poked out from the other end of the hallway.
“Welcome home-
Uhm, what’s going on here?”
“Uh, we’re sharing in the joy of our reunion, or something…”
“Well whatever, hurry up and take a bath? Dinner’s ready and all.”
“Ah, yeah. Thanks.”
As if nothing had happened, Mimi-chan let go of me. I felt a hint of insecurity as she did, but reminding myself that she wouldn’t just disappear, I headed for my room. Having grabbed a change of clothes, I contacted Nagisa and Yuzuha before entering the bath. Perhaps it was because I ran around so much, but the bath felt more pleasant today, permeating my whole body. Taking a deep breath, I submerged myself in the bathtub.
“Senpai.”
From the other side of the door, I could hear Mimi-chan’s voice. Inhaling deeply, I raised my head above the water.
“Sorry if this is an inappropriate time. But I was really happy that you went out of your way to come looking for me, Senpai.”
It was difficult picking up the feeling behind her voice through the door. I wondered what kind of face she was making right now. Curious as I was, it’s not like I could go and check.
Forming a water gun with my hands, I squirted out a little of the bathwater. This was something my mother had shown me a long time ago, but being a bit clumsy I couldn’t manage to shoot it out straight. The water that had made it to the ceiling came down with a dripping sound. I had a tendency to loose track of time in the bathtub, but thanks to the drops of water, I somewhat kept track of how many seconds had passed.
Just when I thought that about thirty seconds had gone by, I opened my mouth.
“It’s not inappropriate at all…sorry for making you feel lonely.”
“I’m the one who ran away from home, so why are you apologizing, Senpai?”
“That’s…”
Even though I was submersed in the warm bath, my fingertips still felt chilly. Dealing with people was unexpectedly scary. My stupid self had only recently begun to understand that all too well. Even when I just wanted to talk, my words wouldn’t come out, my chest would tighten, and I would struggle. All this time I had believed that talking to people was a fun and happy thing, with nothing sad or painful about it.
“I was thinking. If only I was closer to you. If only there was something I could have done.“
“What’s that even mean?”
An exasperated voice. I could feel my shoulders clench.
“The other day, I knew that you weren’t okay at all. And all I did was show a little sympathy. I couldn’t help at all.”
“…Look here, Senpai.”
Her voice grew closer. Beyond the door, I could make out her figure. I wondered why I felt so anxious, even though there was just one door between us. We weren’t really that far apart now.
“I’m not really looking for you to give me a concrete solution, or to do something about the tough parts of my life.”
It was an earnest voice. Entirely unlike mine, hers was wholly transparent.
“I just wanted you to know about it Senpai, that’s all. I wanted you to share this feeling with me, even just a little bit. So you didn’t really do anything wrong.”
These words took a weight off my chest. What was the right thing to do on somebody’s behalf? How much meddling was appropriate? What would be a mistake? Right now, I was completely clueless about all of these things, so much that I couldn’t even answer for myself.
…But.
Even if my heart felt lighter, I couldn’t feel relieved just yet.
“In the end my mistakes are my mistakes, and I’m responsible for that. Even running away from home-“
“…Even so.”
With a splashing sound, I rose from the bathtub. Walking on the wet floor, I placed my hand on the door. Naturally, I could feel neither Mimi-chan’s touch nor warmth from the other side. I sighed softly.
“I want to do more for you, Mimi-chan. I want to be by your side when you’re in pain. So let me into your life more.”
I thought it was exasperating that you couldn’t step over into someone’s heart without their permission. Normal people might be less hesitant about this, sometimes just eyeballing the right distance to another, and properly determining how much meddling was the right amount.
But I wasn’t very good at figuring that out. After that thing with Nagisa, I had become unable to trust my own eye in this. Worrying what would happen if I got it all completely wrong, I became a coward and retreated to the confines of my heart. And here I couldn’t accomplish anything when all I did was fear.
“Tell me it’s okay to meddle.”
In response to my pressing voice, the door was pulled open. Seeing as my weight was resting on that door, I almost fell face forward. It was Mimi-chan’s arms that held my body before that happened. Nagisa had caught me like that before. But this was entirely different from back then.
The circumstances, my feelings – and the eyes staring at me. Unimpressed as they appeared, these black pupils reflected myself.
Not like that meant anything to me and stuff.
Before I had noticed, I found my arms wrapped around her neck.
“…Senpai. Are you still crying?”
“I’m not.”
“You’re more of a crybaby than I expected, Senpai.”
“I told you I’m not crying.”
“…Can’t help that I guess. Let’s just say it’s because of the hot bath.”
My heart had grown so much more brittle than it used to be. And from this brittle heart my emotions spilled out easily, quickly bubbling to the top. I knew it was terribly lame, but if I stopped these erupting feelings by myself I wouldn’t have to suffer.
Mimi-chan was hugging me tightly. It was hot. Her body temperature should be lower than that of the water, but I felt so much hotter than when I was soaking in the bathtub, enough so that I might melt.
“I’m a total pain, you know?”
She said quietly.
“I might ask for your help on so many things that you might get crushed by the pressure.”
“It’s better than you running off to somewhere. You can come to me with anything. If I can… Well, I can’t say for certain I’ll do something about it. But I’ll try my best.”
“I wish you’d been more direct about that…
…I might ask about stuff like what should I have for lunch tomorrow, or which clothes suit me better. Are you okay with even silly little things like that?”
“Of course. So please don’t disappear anymore without telling me anything.”
“…Okay.”
Even though she was calling me “senpai”, I didn’t feel like one at all. Like a child I tightly clung to her, and she in turn hugged me back. What was up with me feeling that secure just from this. I would be absolutely unable to prevent my emotions from bursting out.
“Yuika-senpai.”
Her voice drizzled down on me from above my head. I raised my head slightly.
“Please keep meddling in my affairs.”
Those words made my heart beat faster. Because she accepted my feelings, and returned them in words. Just that fact made my chest swell.
“I’ll properly tell you if it gets too much, so don’t worry about a thing and keep on meddling.”
“…Yeah.”
Was I really someone that was able to understand others’ feelings, or was I not? Even if I couldn’t believe I was in the way that I used to, perhaps it was okay when it came to Mimi-chan. We left our conversation at that, and eventually separated from each other. Mimi-chan left the dressing room first, and I dried my body with the bathtowel.
Thinking about it, it felt like I had done something pretty embarrassing when I hugged her in this getup. But my sense of relief was much more pronounced than my embarrassment, and my heart wouldn’t stop racing.
Having changed into my pajamas, I set foot into the living room. My father had already returned and we all sat around the dining table. Mimi-chan looked like she was feeling a bit awkward, but both my father and mother didn’t seem to mind too much. I was probably not in a position to say this to anybody, but the two of them sure were easygoing. It was something about the sort of air about them, their way of life. That had probably helped me a great deal, though.
“My, it’s been a while since one of Yuika’s friends stayed over.”
My father spoke with a big smile on his face. I wondered why seeing my parents talk to one of my friends made me so irrationally bashful. I guess I was going through puberty after all. Scratch that, I there isn’t even any doubt that I was, but still.
“I hope Yuika isn’t causing you any trouble?”
“Not at all. Yuika-senpai is always treating me very well.”
“Haha, I would have thought so. I asked even though I knew that already.”
Stop bragging about your daughter already. It’s embarrassing.
My shoulders hunched. My mother’s cooking was as tasty today as usual, but due to the heat in my face I couldn’t taste it very well. I cast a glance at Mimi-chan sitting next to me. She seemed to be a little uneasy, but not overly tense anymore. I was glad that she didn’t seem to have a problem talking to the two.
As I breathed a sigh of relief, her leg touched mine. Then, she poked my toes lightly with hers. It tickled and I ended up looking straight at her, but she acted like nothing was up. She did say that I could meddle in her affairs. But right now I couldn’t exactly ask her why she was doing this. With an entirely inconspicuous face, Mimi-chan continued talking to my parents.
“…I’m glad that you’re such a good girl. Please continue being a good friend to Yuika from here on.”
“There’s no need to ask… She’s my senpai, after all.”
“I get that, but… you know?”
“Alright, I will.”
What’s with that reaction? I was greatly dissatisfied, and while I tried to show that on my face, it didn’t seem to amount to all that much. Seems like I wasn’t the reliable type.
“…She’s taking care of me in many ways, too.”
Mimi-chan muttered just these few words.
“…I see. I’m glad that you’re getting along so well with Yuika.”
I was weirded out. Eating my dinner faster than usual, I decided to retreat to my room. Before standing up, I poked her leg with my feet in return.
“Thanks for the meal.”
“You’re welcome.”
With that, I returned to my room. This day had me tired out. Because unease and relief had come at me in turns, I felt exhausted emotionally even more so than physically. My body was still pretty tired, though. Diving onto my bed, I caught a whiff of Mimi-chan’s scent. She must’ve been here all along after all. It was my own bed, but now it felt a bit like it wasn’t. Yet I didn’t dislike that at all. Without even noticing, I dozed off for a bit.
As I was about to sink into a deep slumber, my room’s door was opened to reveal Mimi-chan’s figure. Yawning, I lifted my body upright. Closing the door behind her, she came to sit next to me.
“Did I wake you up?”
“No, not really. More importantly, did they say anything weird to you?”
“Nope. Just bragging about you, Yuika-senpai.”
“…That so.”
“They sure seem like kind people. Now I can clearly see why you grew up to be the way you are, Senpai.”
I was deliberating if I should be happy about this. My head wasn’t quite working yet, so I quickly ended up leaning against her. Quietly, she began stroking my head. It calmed me down.
But in the end this wasn’t at all how a senpai behaves. Still, it didn’t seem right to refuse her either.
“So, this is just if you want to. But you’re always free to come by my place to hang out, alright?”
“…Okay.”
Our conversation came to a halt. I let out a small sigh. It may just have been the first time that somebody saw this much of me. My weaknesses, and things that I hadn’t even known about myself. It made me happy that she would still stay by my side after I’d shown her all these sides of mine.
I was much more unseemly and hopeless than I had ever thought myself to be. I hated that, but Mimi-chan still accepted me just like I was. I wondered if I could stay like this. On the other hand, it would surely take a lot of time until I could mend my brittle heart and once again smile innocently. I hoped Mimi-chan would be by my side until that time came.
“Yuika-senpai.”
“What’s up, Mimi-chan?”
“Can’t you stop calling me Mimi-chan?”
She said so while giving me a serious look.
“If we’re friends, you should drop the honorifics.2 Just like you do with Soramoto-san or Onee-chan.”
“…Erm.”
I had habitually started calling her Mimi-chan when I had met her as Nagisa’s younger sister. Now that I thought of it, I didn’t use honorifics for my friends. And because Mimi-chan was also an important friend of mine, continuing to add the -chan might be no different than treating her as a stranger. Or at least, that’s what I thought,
I wondered why the idea of calling her without the honorifics made my chest grow tight. This was the first time that thinking about dropping the honorifics with anybody made me feel this way. After opening and closing my mouth soundlessly a few times, I finally resolved myself to speak.
“…Mimi.”
“Yes. Yuika-senpai.”
“And here you’re still calling me Yuika-senpai.”
“Would you like to be called something else?”
“…Nah. It’s fine. That one is alright.”
“…Yuika-senpai.”
Mimi-chan – Mimi — smiled softly. My heart leapt. Nothing really unusual had occurred, but my face grew so hot that it caught me by surprise. I became unable to look into her eyes and averted my face. But her hand stretched out towards me and brought my face back to where it was. Her dark eyes were dazzling.
In the moment I became aware of my racing heart, some place within it whispered to me: This isn’t right. I really thought it was wrong to develop feelings for another person when I was still in love with Nagisa. As if I fell for someone else because my relationship with Nagisa wouldn’t progress any further. That made me seem so stupidly fickle, and I hated it… but.
My mind and heart were at a disconnect, and the fluttering in my heart wouldn’t stop. What was I to do?
“I like you the way you are now, Senpai.”
Like. How many times had I said that word, and how many times had I heard it? But coming from her mouth, those words made my eardrums quiver as if I had never heard them before. Even though I knew she didn’t mean that sort of like. My heart was prone to misunderstandings. How unfair for me to have to feel this way.
“Just a little bit absentminded, innocent in the weirdest ways, kind… and you have a lot of little flaws here and there, I think that’s how you should be, Senpai.”
“It doesn’t really feel like you’re praising me, though…”
“I’m just speaking the truth.”
“I don’t like the way you’re saying it.”
And even though I said that, it wasn’t really so.
I disliked not a thing she said.
If I was asked why I felt that way, I’d say it was probably because…
I leaned onto her just a little. She didn’t say that I was heavy or tell me to stop, and that relieved me. Even if I had heard all she had to say, I was happy to just silently take in her breath. Like that, the two of us sat for a while without speaking.
Before I had noticed it, night had fallen completely and my bedtime grew closer. We both got ready for bed one after another and returned to my room. It seemed like she had absolutely no intention of sleeping in the guest room rather than mine. Before I could bring the futon over from the guest room, Mimi-chan entered my bed and pulled me in with her. She was just using the slightest bit of strength. But because to me it felt irresistibly strong, I softly laid down next to her. It was different from usual, but still somehow smelled like Mimi-chan.
The moment I turned off the lights with the remote control, it felt like the entire room had gone silent. As I shifted my body around, our eyes met.
“This is kinda fresh, huh. Almost as if I was on a school trip with you, Mimi…feels a little bit like a vacation.”
“I know, right?”
I wondered what this oddly embarrassing, yet joyful feeling was, the sort of feeling that I got when I slept next to a friend.
“Yuika-senpai. Let’s say when I graduate… and if you also don’t have any other plans… do you want to live with me?”
My eyes widened.
“You mean like in a share house?”
“Well, more or less. Something like that.”
I had never even imagined living together with my friends. There was no way it would just be all fun, but I thought it sounded a little interesting. More importantly, Mimi surely wanted to get away from home as fast as she could.
“…We’d have to save up some money.”
“Does that mean you want to do it?”
“…Yeah.”
“I see.”
Gradually, my eyes got used to the dark. Here black pupils didn’t blend into the dark at all, and stared at me intensely. Somehow, her eyes had a soft look in them. Quietly staring at each other in a dark room should make me excited, but it seemed like my heart was calm. Having my chest filled with these contradictory feelings, somehow it was my hips that couldn’t stay calm.
At the same time, she brought her face a little closer to me.
“You look sleepy, Senpai.”
She breathed out those words in a low voice. I could feel my eyelids falling shut on their own. They obscured Mimi’s face as they did. But this no longer worried me, and I closed my eyes completely. As my field of view closed down, I could feel our breathing relax.
Turns out that more than making you tense, having somebody by your side while sleeping felt reassuring. I hesitated a little before wrapping my arm around her back. Perhaps it was because of my sleepiness that the sensation was a little remote, but warm nonetheless. I sighed softly.
“Thank you for today… I’m looking forward to living together with you.”
“…Mm.”
“Good night, Yuika-senpai.”
Alongside those words, her breath came even closer. I felt something soft on my lips. Normally I would have opened my eyes to confirm what that feeling was, but tonight I was too sleepy to do that. It may have been because I was used to the act by now, or because it was with Mimi. I didn’t know, but as I grew more tired, the feeling in my chest calmed down. At times my heart would beat so fast, but in moments like this it was a mystery how absolutely calm it was.
It seemed like the meaning one’s actions took on could change quickly. I wanted to tell her Good night as well, but as I chased after the sensation that had just left me, my consciousness grew distant and before I knew it, I had fallen asleep.
Just before that happened, her warm hands stroked my head… or at least, it felt like they did.
★
“I’m so sorry, Yuika! For Mimi to cause you all that trouble…!”
It was the next day. I had Nagisa bowing her head to me first thing in the morning. Because it was still early, there was nobody else in the classroom. But, even when nobody was watching us, having Nagisa bow to me was still a bit out there.
“It’s fine, really. You see, at my place, we don’t worry so much about the small stuff, and I had fun as well, so no worries.”
“…I’m glad you see it that way.”
She sighed, looking relieved. Nagisa really was an earnest one, I thought to myself. That was just another thing that’s good about her, though. For a moment, our conversation came to a halt. I glanced at the clock. There still was some time before the other students arrived.
“Well, I guess you might have thought that Mimi was being a bother to my mother and father or something. But as you already know, the two of them-“
My words halted halfway through my sentence. That was because Nagisa’s eyes had widened as if she was startled by something. Wondering what it might have been, I scanned our surroundings. Nothing was standing out. There still wasn’t anybody besides us in the classroom. There also didn’t seem to be anyone in the hallway. The silence was such that it almost hurt my ears.
As I tilted my head, Nagisa opened her mouth.
“…Mimi.”
“Eh?”
“You’re calling her Mimi, now…not Mimi-chan.”
“Ah. Aaaah. She told me to call her that. Now that I think about it, I don’t use honorifics with any of my friends. I would feel bad treating her like a stranger forever… Nagisa?”
Placing her hands on her necktie, she blinked a few times. I knew that Nagisa had her own concerns about Mimi. Was this behavior related to that, maybe? No, wait. She had been really worried when Mimi ran away from home, so what was up with her acting so strangely now?
“So you two are getting quite friendly with each other, it seems.”
“Yeah. Turns out Mimi and I might get along surprisingly well.”
“…I see.”
Although, I didn’t want to get along with Mimi because Nagisa had told me to. It was because I myself desired that. But maybe that just added to the worries I had already.
“…Do you like Mimi?”
I was reflected in her brown eyes. Nagisa’s eyes harbored a light that was unlike Mimi’s, one that was only hers. I didn’t have a preference for either though, and softly met her eyes with mine.
“I like her. Mimi is a good friend.”
Those words were not false. But it wasn’t like they were completely true, either. Mimi and myself were certainly friends, but it seemed like I was developing feelings for her that went beyond that.
…No, I might already have them.
“That’s great. Yuika, if you two are getting along well, then that puts me at ease.”
She beamed at me. It was the exact same smile she always showed me. It was the smile she always gave both to our teachers and myself, refreshing and somewhat soft. It was the smile I loved, so why? Why was it that it looked so terribly stiff right now? No matter how I looked at her or from where, it should have been the same as always. I wondered if Nagisa had also experienced something bad at home, as if she was faulting herself for Mimi running away.
If there was something worrying her, I would hear her out. Just when I was about to utter those shallow words. I could hear footsteps coming from the hallway.
“Good morning, Yuika.”
It was Yuzuha who stuck her head in through the door. Because of what had happened yesterday, she came to school a bit early. I gently waved my hand.
“Oh, Nagisa’s here too. Good morning.”
“…Yeah. Good morning.”
As Nagisa spoke, Yuzuha tilted her head. Then, she looked my way. Her eyes looked like she was asking me “Did something happen?”. I shook my head. It’s not like anything had happened. But it’s not like I could read Nagisa’s mind. I couldn’t begin to even grasp at what exactly she was thinking at all. It’s not like I knew much about what was going on between Mimi and Nagisa either. I found it a bit odd, but because Nagisa immediately put on her usual smile and started talking, I lost the opportunity to say something.
However…
I learned yesterday that things wouldn’t change unless I took a step forward. Of course, I was just as afraid of messing up as I had always been. But I didn’t want to feel the same regret I had when I thought that Mimi was gone.
“I’m gonna go to the restroom for a bit. Nagisa, you come, too.”
“Eh.”
“See you lat-“
Dragging a slightly bewildered Nagisa by the hand, I left the classroom. Usually bustling with activity, the hallway was pretty quiet at this hour.
“…I still don’t know all that much about you and Mimi, Nagisa.”
I spoke while we walked. The thought of turning back towards her was a little scary.
“If there’s something troubling you two, I want to help… is there anything that’s weighing on your mind?”
I clearly said the words that I would never have been able to utter before. They were awfully superficial, and I didn’t feel like they would have the power to reach all the way into her heart. But I still believed they had meaning.
“If there’s anything troubling you, Nagisa — even if it’s just a little bit, if there’s something you feel bad about, I want you to tell me about it.”
I could feel her resisting my pull. I stopped and turned around to see her entering my field of view wearing that same smile as always. It was so awfully normal that it almost hurt.
“It’s nothing. Really, it’s nothing.”
I felt a little chill in those words. That had been a clear rejection. Suddenly finding it hard to breathe, I ended up pulling back the leg that I had just extended. It was wrong to forcefully intervene in somebody’s affairs if the other party didn’t want me to, that much I understood. And so, I let go of her hand.
“I see…sorry. I’ll go to the bathroom alone, then.”
“Ah…”
She raised her voice for a moment, but didn’t say anything or follow me beyond that. It was difficult to meddle with other peoples’ feelings after all. Would anything change if I forcibly pushed on after being rejected? No, I was sure that wouldn’t amount to anything. Having no particular business there, I continued to the bathroom to stare into the mirror absentmindedly.
Just like Nagisa, I looked the same as always. The way my hair was done, its texture, and my expression. Maybe something would change if I turned into a different me. On that thought, I undid my ponytail. My hair lightly spread over my shoulders, and a different me emerged. Wearing a hairstyle that hadn’t been praised by Nagisa, I somehow felt like it wasn’t quite myself. Even though I didn’t have it up in the morning, or when I came out of the bath.
“Yuika-senpai. What are you up to?”
Unexpectedly, a voice reached me from the entrance. Looking over, the one standing there was Mimi.
“Mimi. What brought you here?”
“I thought I’d apologize directly to my sister and you guys. When I felt your presence on the way, I stopped by.”
“…My presence?”
As I tilted my head, she came closer.
“Oh, that’s an unusual look for you. It suits you well.”
As expected, being praised made me happy. Although if it was Mimi, she would probably compliment any hairstyle I wore.
“R-really?”
“Yes. I think it suits you better than the usual hairstyle.”
“Is that so…”
Nagisa preferred the hairstyle I usually wore, but of course, Mimi’s tastes were different. Sighing gently, I looked her way.
“Mimi, you’re… just as cute as always.”
“Why thank you.
…did something happen?”
I was startled. And here I was showing the same expression as usual. I wonder how she could tell.
“W-what?”
“No, nothing. It’s just showing on your face.”
Even if she said that,when I tried touching my own face, I noticed nothing out of the ordinary.
“So, what happened?”
“Um…”
I briefly explained what had happened with Nagisa. Mimi listened to me talk while nodding, and then said this after having a pensive expression for a moment.
“Let’s leave her be.”
“Eh.”
Mimi flashed me a smile.
“My big sister is pretty stubborn like that, you see. Once she’s decided that she won’t talk about it, she’ll keep it to herself if it kills her, even if something is really worrying her.”
“I see how it is…”
“Yeah. But if there really is something on her mind, we can only wait. Until my stubborn sister decides she wants to talk to you, Senpai.”
How frustrating. I felt like things would turn out poorly if I didn’t do anything. However, if her sibling Mimi said so, I had no choice but to leave it be.
“Please don’t look at me like that. I’m sure she understands your feelings, Senpai.”
“…Okay.”
“And also, just taking an interest in her affairs isn’t all there is. Sometimes you can help someone just by being there. It was the same for me.”
And yet she had allowed me to meddle with her feelings for my own sake when she herself didn’t really need me to. But because I didn’t want to regret anything later, I had rushed into doing for my friend whatever I could. I became uneasy. What if someone important to me were to suddenly disappear?
“Hey, let’s go, Senpai. I’d feel a bit anxious if it were just me, so please come with me when I apologize.”
“…I got you.”
Nodding, I started walking alongside her. She grabbed my hand from behind. Walking for just a moment, I realized that Nagisa was still in the hallway. When she noticed us, she approached a few steps.
“…Mimi.”
“Good morning, Sis.”
“…Good morning.”
“Sorry about yesterday. I caused you some trouble. I’ll come back home properly today.”
Having said that, Mimi lowered her head. Nagisa just took it all in without response. But still, I felt like the atmosphere was a bit tense. Mimi tugged on my hand.
“I’m really sorry, Sis.”
Almost whispering as we walked past, Mimi said it one more time. After looking at her, Nagisa turned her gaze to me for an instant. When our eyes met, she quickly averted hers. Without following us, Nagisa started walking off elsewhere. Her ever so straight back seemed distant enough that I couldn’t hope to reach it.
With Mimi drawing me along by the hand, we returned to the classroom, where it was now time to apologize to Yuzuha. After Yuzuha told us not to worry about it with a laugh, Mimi’s expression changed to one a little more relieved. At least, that was the very real scene playing out before me. It felt a little odd, like in a dream. After exchanging a few words with Yuzuha, Mimi then returned to her classroom. I just watched her leave.
When I turned my eyes back to Yuzuha, she had placed her hand on her chin as if lost in thought.
“Yuzuha? What’s up?”
“Nothing… I was just thinking about how that girl seems to be quite the formidable opponent.”
“Please d-don’t start a fight, okay?”
“No, that’s not what I…well, whatever. You have it rough, too, Yuika.”
“…What?”
Yuzuha brought her hand down on my shoulder. What exactly was I feeling? As this indescribable emotion overcame me, I engaged in our usual chatter to get back on track. Nagisa came back to the classroom only after the first bell had rung. She had returned wearing the same serious expression as always, with her lips closed tightly as if she had just made up her mind about something.
School had ended.
Because Mimi seemed busy with her job and Yuzuha had things to do at home, both of them had left school a bit earlier. Since Nagisa had also left the classroom at some point, I made my way home on my own. Come to think of it, it had been a while since I last went home alone.
Going back just like that felt a little drab to me, so I decided to make a detour through the touristy area. I’d heard there were lots of famous old buildings nearby, and that tourists would stroll around wearing kimono. As I thought that I’d like to go around with a rented kimono, too, I tried walking down the street that had the dagashiya. Recently they’d been stepping things up with rainbow cotton candy and warabimochi3 to eat on the go. Whenever I gotwarabimochi to go, I typically ate them where I was. They were soft and sweet. Warabimochi was quite the gentle snack.
But I couldn’t help but feel like this just wasn’t very fun. Although I didn’t really have problems with spending time on my own, I’d recently spent most of my time being with somebody else, so I might have just forgotten how to pass the hours by myself.
I left the street with the old buildings to step into an alley. For an instant, it felt to me like I had entered a different period in history. I thought it was important to preserve old things, but maybe it wasn’t so bad to also mix in a little bit of the new. It wasn’t like things would get stacked on top of each other, or something. When I walked my usual way home, the crowds had already thinned out. Seems like nobody had any interest in a regular residential area. I wonder if tomorrow there would be somebody hanging out.
As I gently strolled around, somebody appeared before me who shouldn’t have been there.
“…Mimi?”
She told me she had work today, so why was she standing there? When she noticed me, she smiled brightly.
“Senpai, what a coincidence.”
“Coincidence, you say… what about your job?”
“Looks like I mixed up my shift. I didn’t have work today.”
“Oh, that’s why…”
“Since we’re already here, wanna walk home together?”
“You’re right. Let’s go.”
In the time I had been lagging around on my own, the sun had gone down quite a bit. My home was a little bit closer to us, but since it could get dangerous, I thought to take Mimi back first. The two of us started walking shoulder to shoulder. A breeze that carried a whiff of summer blew between us, and I could smell something fresh. When I suddenly looked up, Mimi’s eyes felt just a little bit more distant than usual.
“Is something the matter?”
“Eh, no. It’s nothing…”
Her dark eyes that looked ready to melt into the gloom of night. This feeling that I couldn’t put into words — what was it? Absentmindedly, I stared at her necktie that exuded a shade of yellow more vivid than before. There was no voice asking me why I might be staring at her chest today. Continuing our idle walk, the two of us reached my home. She stopped.
“Okay, this is it.”
“Nope, I’ll see you home. It might be dangerous.”
“It’s alright. I’m not so much of a child that you’d have to worry about me.”
She felt a little different from the usual Mimi. Compared to how she was before, I imagined that Mimi as she was recently would be honest and say Please take me home. But because of everything that had happened yesterday, she might be trying not to impose. But I really was worried. As I decided I’d insist on taking her back, she advanced one step towards me.
Lightly, her golden hair danced. As my eyes followed that mane filling my view, an invigorating fragrance riding the wind tickled my nostrils. It was a fragrance different from Mimi’s usual, and not just because it was like the smell of the very same shampoo and body soap I had. It felt a little more distinct from before. It was almost as if this Mimi was-
Almost like Nagisa-
“Mmph?”!
“Yuika…senpai.”
My thoughts stopped. Or more like, they were stopped. Coming at me with more force and more nimbly than normal, she took my lips.
There had been no warning. Having put her hands on my hips, almost as if to greedily devour me, savor every last bit of me, she entwined our tongues. It was a somewhat rough kiss, and it melted me. Tracing my teeth, touching the insides of my cheek, and running her tongue over mine.
After what felt like a lifetime’s worth of kissing had ended, she released me. Because I hadn’t even gotten a chance to gasp for air, I was terribly out of breath.
“Wh-why?”
“Because you’re just too cute, Senpai. I couldn’t control myself.”
“…”
It might have been because even the tone of her voice was too much like Nagisa’s. It felt almost like the real Nagisa had just called me cute. This was a sensation as if all of my body’s blood was boiling. At the same time, a feeling of guilt enveloped my body. I had already decided not to make Mimi take Nagisa’s place anymore.
For me to have seen Nagisa in Mimi, I was truly the worst. And here I had already decided to treat Mimi as herself. How could this happen?
“Sorry, please forget about it…well then, see you.”
“Eh, wait a moment, Mimi!”
She broke into a half-jog and left. What a mess. This had been the first time that I had been kissed this forcefully, and my feelings hadn’t caught up at all. I brought my hand to my lips. The sensation of her still lingered. It was a kiss unlike the other ones. Rough, but not bad at all… I guess. If my thoughts went this far, then perhaps it was too late to turn back. I wondered what would become of my relationship with Mimi from now on.
Having caught my breath a little, I realized that the image I had formed of Mimi became blurry.
…But.
I still wanted to get closer to her. I wanted to know her more intimately, to know what she was thinking, what she was feeling. I wanted to understand all of her. If I could do that, then…
I placed my hand on my chest. The feelings of comfort and guilt were evenly balanced, and I felt both pained and pleased.
- Literally: It’s dark beneath the lighthouse. ↩︎
- Using honorifics is commonplace in Japan and much more rigid than Manga or Light Novels would make one think. High schoolers outside of friend groups will call each other by -san (might be an equivalent of Mr. / Ms.) and dropping this is bold for young people, but an outrage if you’re a working adult. That goes even after you have kissed somebody, as we all well know. TLDR Mimi is offering a serious upgrade in intimacy here. Note that when Mimi was using “Yuika” before, she was pretending to be Nagisa, who already gets to do that. ↩︎
- A traditional soft snack made from Warabi (bracken) roots and served with powdery roasted soybean flour. It will definitely get on your clothes if you eat it while walking. ↩︎
Ave Lilium Translations 