Tomorrow was the day we’d promised to meet—five days after we set the date.
When Sendai-san asked about my exam results, I told her they were “okay.” That wasn’t true. I hadn’t done well enough for it to even count as okay. I’d thought I could’ve done a little better, and saying “okay” didn’t sit right with me. But if I’d been honest and she ended up disappointed in me, I wouldn’t have been able to stand it.
So, just like how she always made promises she couldn’t keep, I ended up lying to her too.
I hated myself for it.
Green peppers, broccoli, shungiku1.
On my way back from school, I stopped by the supermarket. As I walked past the vegetable section, I noticed the ones I could never get myself to like—vegetables that reminded me too much of how I felt about myself.
There were other things I didn’t like either, such as parsley and—
… I wish I could’ve said the same about Sendai-san.
In the end, I never got her to tell me she hated me.
I sighed as I tossed some frozen meals and instant ramen into my basket. I thought about grabbing some soda bottles before heading home, but instead, I stopped in my tracks. I turned back toward the vegetable section and added some potatoes and carrots to the basket too.
If only there was a vegetable that could make me smarter just by eating it.
As I wandered through the aisles, I found myself digging through old memories. Somewhere along the way, I’d heard fish was supposed to help with brainpower. But I didn’t like fish all that much. And even if I did eat it, it’s not like I’d magically get smarter overnight.
I knew it was far too late to start getting anxious now, but part of me was still hoping for some kind of miracle—anything to give me a boost.
If I wanted to get into the same university as Maika, the next exam was the one that would count. As long as I passed that one, everything would work out. My grades had gone up, and even my teachers were backing me to go for it.
But I didn’t have much faith in what they said. Or in myself.
I didn’t have any in Sendai-san, either.
It’d be nice if I had unwavering faith.
If I could just believe I’d get into university—and if I could trust Sendai-san—then maybe I’d feel okay about seeing her even after graduation.
But the truth was, I wasn’t even sure I’d make it into my first-choice school, and I couldn’t say for certain whether Sendai-san would actually keep her promises.
And what if I didn’t get into the same university as Maika?
I’d end up stuck here.
That thought made me incredibly uneasy.
If I got accepted, of course I’d want to go. But if I didn’t, the disappointment would be unbearable. And worse, it’d mean I might have to part ways with Sendai-san for reasons completely out of my control.
If that was going to happen anyway, then maybe it would be better to break things off with her before graduation.
That day… if Sendai-san had told me she hated me, I think I could’ve walked away even earlier than we’d agreed.
I thought about it as I stood in front of a shelf full of plastic bottles.
I reached out for a bottle of soda—but stopped.
It wasn’t like I was trying to put Sendai-san ahead of myself or anything, but between the two bottles in my fridge at home, there was a lot less barley tea left than soda.
「… But having to carry two bottles around is too heavy.」
I’d have to carry everything back myself, and it wasn’t practical to bring both. In the end, I gave up on the soda and put a bottle of barley tea in my basket instead.
Then, just before heading to the register, I picked up a pack of beef too.
Ever since I started sharing meals with Sendai-san, my taste had gotten a little more luxurious.
Frozen meals and instant ramen were good, but homemade food was even better—and if I had a choice, I wanted to eat whatever tasted best.
The problem was, the only person who could make me that kind of food was Sendai-san.
Before I even realized it, Sendai-san had become a huge part of me. There were so many marks etched into my memory, and now even my tastes had changed because of her. Most of them were things she’d forced on me without asking, but I could still remember every single one. It was frustrating—no matter how hard I tried to erase her traces, they wouldn’t fade.
I paid for my groceries and stepped out of the store.
The cold wind blew through the city as I walked—it was already the end of January.
The bag in my right hand felt heavy.
Ever since I started sharing meals with Sendai-san, I’d been buying more food. At times like this, I couldn’t help but wish she were here to carry the bags. She ate half the food I bought, so it felt like it was only fair.
But for that to happen, we’d have to add a rule that allowed us to shop together, and that sounded like too much trouble. If we had more time together, it might be worth considering—but with so little time left, there was no point. I didn’t want to change our rules just so we could shop for groceries, and I didn’t need her to carry my bags that badly.
Still, even with all that in mind, the weight in my right hand felt heavier than usual.
I couldn’t stop myself from imagining how much lighter it’d feel if she were here.
That thought—one that would never come true—lingered, and now even my head felt heavy.
We’d promised not to see each other anymore after graduation, and I wasn’t even sure if I’d get into the university I wanted.
But still, I couldn’t help thinking about it.
What if I did get into the same university as Maika?
I was already a liar anyway, so it should be okay for me to break a promise too.
The heavy bags in my hands swung as I picked up my pace.
No, that’s not right.
Just because I’d become a liar didn’t make it okay to lie.
「I feel like I can’t make sense of anything anymore…」
The more I thought, the more tangled everything became.
I walked even faster.
It didn’t feel like I was moving much quicker, but the wind on my cheeks felt colder than before. Maybe it was the bottle of barley tea, but the bag handle felt like it was digging into my hand.
I hurried back to my apartment and put the contents of the bag in the fridge.
Then I went to my room, turned on the air conditioner, and changed out of my clothes.
I lay down on my bed, pulled out the manga Sendai-san had been reading four days ago from under the black cat sitting by my pillow, and started flipping through the pages.
The whole time, my emotions were wavering.
I didn’t want to see Sendai-san tomorrow, and yet I really wanted to see her.
I wasn’t dumb—I knew those feelings were contradictory.
Lately, I kept bouncing between not wanting to see her and wanting to.
And once I did see her, I’d just want to keep seeing her.
So maybe it’d be easier if we just stopped meeting.
But I knew that even if we didn’t, I still wanted to see her.
It was difficult juggling these thoughts and feelings.
I couldn’t help wishing I could go back to this time last year.
If I could turn back time, I’d end our relationship before we ever switched classrooms.
That way, I wouldn’t have to think about any of this. I could just pick a local university and be content staying here.
Sendai-san really should’ve told me she hated me that day.
She was always so cruel.
I closed the manga I was flipping through and tapped the black cat plush on the head, but it didn’t make a sound.
It didn’t complain like Sendai-san always did.
How boring, I thought, tapping the cat’s head again.
Even though I didn’t want tomorrow to come, I still found myself wishing it would hurry up and get here.
If only that part of me could just go away.
- Shungiku is a type of edible leaf vegetable that has a distinct aroma and bitter taste. In English, they’re called edible chrysanthemums. ↩︎
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