Ave Lilium Translations

[Part 78] What I Want to Do With Miyagi and What Miyagi Wants to Do (II)

          Even though Miyagi had tried to stop me, in the end, I was the one who couldn’t hold back.

          I didn’t need to be thinking clearly to know I’d been acting strange today.

          It was absurd of me to call Miyagi out and then force a kiss on her.

          But I didn’t regret it.

          Besides, Miyagi didn’t run, so she was just as much at fault. We were no different, and I had no doubt she wanted to kiss me too.

          ―― Wow, what a ridiculous lie.

          All Miyagi did was let me kiss her. I was the one who forced it on her. If I hadn’t done that, things wouldn’t have spiraled the way they did. I knew I was just fooling myself. I understood that perfectly well. Yet, the fact that I was still thinking about kissing her, even after everything that happened, made me feel like I deserved to sink to the bottom of hell.

          I sighed so deeply it felt like I was deflating my brain. Even then, I kept sighing, as if I could empty my lungs completely, and collapsed onto my bed.

          A short-sleeved blouse hung from a hanger on the wall of my room—it was Miyagi’s. It had been there for so long, it felt like part of the room now.

          「I should put that away.」

          I stood up and folded the blouse, shoving it into my drawer next to the long-sleeved shirt Miyagi had given me—or more accurately, forced on me. The things Miyagi had given me were gradually piling up, slowly taking over my room. Even the five-thousand yen bills tucked away in my piggy bank were from her. It felt like, even after graduation, plenty of traces of her would still be left behind.

          I could’ve easily spent the five-thousand-yen bills and thrown the clothes I’d gotten from her away.

          I knew those options were open to me, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do what anyone else in my shoes would’ve done.

          I couldn’t even resist the urge to kiss her. Whenever it came to anything related to Miyagi, even the most trivial tasks felt insurmountable and often ended in disaster.

          As yet another heavy sigh escaped me, I heard my phone chime from the desk.

          ‘It’s probably just Umina,’ I thought, and when I checked, sure enough, her messages lit up the screen. They were cheerful and lively, saying things like, “Today was fun!” and “We should check out other schools’ cultural festivals too!” Not in the mood to write a proper response, I quickly replied with, “I agree,” then tossed my phone onto the bed and sat down at my desk.

          The timing wasn’t great, given that the cultural festival had just ended, but midterms were about to come up in less than two weeks. As long as nothing major came up, my grades were good enough for the school I was aiming for; I just needed to maintain them. Still, that didn’t mean I could afford to slack off in my studies.

          I had no intention of changing my school of choice this late in the process.

          But Miyagi’s words were bothering me.

          “You should just stay here, Sendai-san.”

          I could tell she was being serious, but it didn’t sound like something Miyagi would say. More importantly, those words carried too much weight to be said lightly.

          But if I chose to stay here, my relationship with Miyagi might not have to end after graduation.

          Or at least, that was what I wanted to believe, but I doubted it would turn out that way.

          The thought of changing my university choice and staying here was something I had never considered, and I couldn’t imagine going through with it. There was no point in attending university if it meant being stuck at home. No matter which university I chose, my parents would support me until graduation, so I wanted to attend one far away enough to escape my current life.

           Plus, even if I chose to stay here, I couldn’t picture a future where Miyagi walked alongside me.

          Knowing her, she’d stubbornly cling to the rules and end our relationship the moment we graduated. And even if she didn’t enforce it, I could easily see her saying, “No, absolutely not,” if I tried to invite her to be by my side, just as she had done earlier today.

          I held up my right hand, watching the light shine through it.

          I had been half-serious when I asked Miyagi if she wanted to hold hands earlier.

          ‘If you’re scared, we can hold hands,’ was what I thought, but what I really wanted was to take Miyagi—who had been quietly trailing behind me—by the hand and walk side-by-side with her.

          I clenched my fist that I had raised, then let it go.

          Just a little over a month ago, I had no desire to hold Miyagi’s hand.

          I certainly hadn’t wanted to on that day we bumped into each other at school.

          Sure, there were moments I felt the urge to touch her, but that was the extent of it.

          Today, though, felt different; today, I really wanted to hold Miyagi’s hand.

          Ever since I met Miyagi, each day felt like I was letting go of a bit more of who I used to be. Because of this, I couldn’t help but feel disheartened, unsure of what tomorrow might hold.

          The hand in front of me was just an ordinary hand, not much different from Miyagi’s. It might have been slightly larger due to my height, but otherwise, it was unremarkable. My hand hadn’t changed in the past month, yet now it longed to hold Miyagi’s. It felt as if, even if it were to detach from my body, it would somehow find its way to her.

          If we were to think solely about the act of holding hands, I had no trouble doing so with Umina or Mariko. I could easily hold their hands whenever I wanted and for as long as I liked. I could probably hold hands with other people, too. In fact, I could hold hands with just about anyone, but there was only a limited number of people I wanted to hold hands with.

          Whenever I heard the term ‘limited,’ like in ‘limited stock’ or ‘limited-time offer,’ I thought of it as something rare and exciting. But it’s a problem that everything in my life is becoming ‘limited’ to Miyagi; it restricts me too much.

          The only time I could accept being restricted by Miyagi was whenever we were together after school.

          That aside, considering we’d already kissed and came close to doing even more, it felt strange to suddenly want to hold hands, as if we were doing things backwards.

          I lowered my hand and let out another sigh.

          Holding hands wasn’t necessary—I could live without it.

          What I couldn’t guarantee was that I wouldn’t kiss her again.

          「This is all Miyagi’s fault.」

          Today, I realized that if I told her I wanted to kiss her, Miyagi would let me, even if reluctantly. I was sure if I said it again, she’d allow it again. With that in mind, I couldn’t confidently say I wouldn’t repeat what happened today. Part of me even started thinking that if things were going to end at graduation anyway, there was no reason to keep forcing myself to hold back.

          But I knew that no matter how much she insisted we weren’t friends, it didn’t mean I could just do whatever I wanted.

          I must have lost one of the screws that held my rationality together somewhere in the music preparation room. But more troubling was that I had no intention of returning to look for it or replace it.

          「Well, for now, I guess I should start studying for the exams.」

          It didn’t matter how much time I spent thinking about Miyagi; I’d never figure out what the right relationship with her should be. Right now, it made more sense to focus on studying for the midterms, where every question had a right answer.

          I needed something to occupy my mind anyway.

          I opened my textbook and notebook on the desk, ignoring the notifications coming in from my phone on the bed as I kept my gaze fixed on the pages before me.

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angela

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37 responses to “[Part 78] What I Want to Do With Miyagi and What Miyagi Wants to Do (II)”

  2. A really short part, but… my god, do I hate Sendai.

    Not only is this girl absolutely off her rockers (like, your hand is getting detached and going… where?), I was going through it™ just trying to figure out how to word everything, and this crazy lady did not make it easy.

    So, I apologize for all the sentences that read like a 5 year old wrote it, and doubly so for the passages that sound like they were penned by a 14 year old who just discovered im14andthisisdeep.

    And also, as a person whose hands did not grow with their height (not that I am tall by any means), screw you, Sendai. I say this without any exaggeration, but other than literal toddlers, I haven’t met anyone whose hands were smaller than mine since middle school. MIDDLE SCHOOL.

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    • Also, in all seriousness, I’ll probably come back to this when I’m more awake and try to make some adjustments where I can. I wrote this part while half-asleep, so if there’s anyone to blame that isn’t me, it’s Sendai.

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      • It’s Sendai’s fault you’re losing sleep, clearly.

        More seriously, I didn’t notice anything off about it. Sendai is being melodramatic, but it’s her first love, she’s trying to process what she wants, and she is not much older than 14 anyway.

        She also is dealing with Miyagi alternating between closeness and distance. That would be stressful to someone like Sendai, who would feel the need to try to restablish closeness ASAP. She is sometimes doing that in less appropriate ways due to lack of better avenues to express that in her relationship, whereas physical touch is where they’ve had the most success in establishing closeness.

        Last time, I mentioned starting to understanding Miyagi’s behaviors. Sendai’s are very obvious to me since I am more like her, at least in romantic relationships relationships. I’d like to think I’d handle it better than her, especially since I’m like 20 years older, but I might feel as melodramatic as her in this situation.

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    • I don’t know why but for some reason the progression from “You’re crazy” to “Your sentences suck” to “I hate you for having bigger hands than me” is incredibly amusing. I am truly sorry for gaining amusement from your suffering.

      In all seriousness, thank you for your hard work, you’ve been on a roll with all the chapters lately.

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      • I don’t know why but for some reason the progression from “You’re crazy” to “Your sentences suck” to “I hate you for having bigger hands than me” is incredibly amusing. I am truly sorry for gaining amusement from your suffering.

        Hope you know I’m glaring at you through the screen like a pomeranian.

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    • C’mon you gotta be a bit more lenient with Sendai. She’s pretty dang smart the majority of the time but her brain goes to mush when it comes to Miyagi.
      The girl is sick…lovesick. She’s contracted a chronic case of downbaditis.

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    • I have a lot of sympathy for Sendai. She is bad at expressing herself, even internally, but I get that feeling of desperately wanting to be close to someone, while not knowing whether that’s going to drive them away.

      One of my favourite songs by one of my favourite singer/songwriters (We’re Tornadoes When We Dance by Levi Weaver) has section that is maybe a little more poetic, but I feel like the sentiment is the same:

      My heart begins its struggle to break free
      From the cage of my own chest
      In an attempt to come to rest
      Somewhere it’s certain that your heart will also be

      That all-consuming need to be next to the person you love is quite the impediment to rational thinking.

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      • Haha, I do like Sendai though. I enjoy reading her less than rational thoughts and I understand her plight. While I enjoy the complexity behind Miyagi’s feelings, it’s fun writing out Sendai’s increasingly farfetched denial.

        I actually like writing Sendai chapters more than Miyagi’s. I dunno, I feel like in a way, Sendai’s chapters are less gloomy, and I’m a m-method writer (?), so it’s fun getting into her head.

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    • Definitely being supportive of poor Hazuki here, after all she is also a confused,
      lovestruck 17-ish year old. And she handles herself surprisingly well; after all first love would hit anybody hard. I think she deserves a break because surely the initial reason why she chose to be with Miyagi was in part searching for an escape from her stifling reality. So what ifshe is a bit more emotionally mature and in touch with her feelings, being somewhat difficult should be allowed…

      And no matter how painful translating it may be,
      reading how Sendai-san is loosing it is an absolute pleasure :D.

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  3. Hopefully the manga adaption is able to convey the same sort of emotional thought-train when chapters like this get reduced to a few panels. Visuals can do a lot so I’ll try to be optimistic!

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    • That would be nice, but I won’t be holding my breath. A character sitting alone in a room and just thinking is the type of scene a manga adaptation would trim down.
      At the very least, we probably won’t see Sendai’s oh so poetic thoughts about her hand detaching and finding its way to Miyagi.

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  4. oh my god!!! she is losing her mind!!!

    thank you so much for the chapter, this must have been quite a struggle to translate! i hope you are keeping well!

    though if you don’t mind me pointing something out —

    It didn’t how much time I spent thinking about Miyagi; I’d never figure out what the right relationship with her should be.

    i really love how introspective the two of them are, it’s so fun to read their thoughts! how far into their own delusions and denials they get and yet somehow still piece together a course of action that will end up befuddling the other. i remember describing to a friend that this yuri was like “if Sherlock Holmes and Moriarty were doing incredibly tame petplay”.

    once again, thank you so much!

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  5. Slight progress, they’re actually considering the idea of you know, not ending their relationship the moment they graduate.

    But at the same time, Sendai is like, THIS close to losing it completely and pulling a Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged “Screw the rules.”

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  6. ”   I must have lost one of the screws that held my rationality together somewhere in the music preparation room.”

    We can tell, Sendai. Your brain is clearly malfunctioning and it’s hard to believe you’re actually a smart honor student.
    As soon as that big gay brain of yours starts thinking about Miyagi, your ability to form coherent thoughts goes out the window.

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  9. It didn’t how much time I spent thinking about Miyagi; I’d never figure out what the right relationship with her should be. Right now, it made more sense to focus on studying for the midterms, where every question had a right answer.

    Is the first sentence in this paragraph supposed to say “it didn’t *matter* how much time i spent thinking about Miyagi;”

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  11. “My hand hadn’t changed in the past month, yet now it longed to hold Miyagi’s. It felt as if, even if it were to detach from my body, it would somehow find its way to her.”

    absolutely loving the very unhinged way sendai acts/thinks when it comes to miyagi😭

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    • She has quite a few thoughts like this throughout the story. One’s like wanting to destroy the Earth or be able to see inside Miyagi’s body LOL. I’d love to compile a collection of all of her unhinged quotes.

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  12. “A short-sleeved blouse hung from a hanger on the wall of my room—it was Miyagi’s.”

    Lmao, Sendai had her own personal Miyagi Shrine and her room.

    This girl is so down bad for Miyagi. Even going as far as imagining her hand detaching from her body and going to find her.

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  14. Oof and here we get even more real talk from Sendai-san, but at the same time it becomes clear that these two still have a lot of stuff to work through T_T.

    The self-sabotaging is real in this one with both of them so utterly convinced that this other girl who mysteriously wants to kiss them and chooses to secretly spend time with her must absolutely not want to be together.

    Nonetheless I also like to go easy on Sendai-san! After all, she is also still a very confused 17-ish year old in her first love. No way that wouldn’t hit anybody hard. It may seem like she is more emotionally mature and more in touch with her feelings, but at the same time she really deserves a place where she can let go. I am sure one of the first things that would have drawn her to Miyagi is seeking an escape of sorts.

    And no matter how painful translating it may be, reading how Sendai-san is loosing it is an absolute pleasure :D.

    On a side note, this may be the first part in the novel where it is clearly stated, not implied, that Hazuki is taller, right? Whereas in the manga, the artist is based and makes it absolutely clear on every second page that she is just that little but decisive bit taller, hhnnnnnnnnnngggg.

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  16. relationship milestones, backwards? wdym, foot-licking doesnt come first?

    all jokes aside i really do love these two and this novel in particular for giving us a really nice introspective look into their minds! sendai coming to terms with how her feelings for miyagi have evolved so much is really fun to see. next chapter definitely a confession and they hold hands lovingly and start dating ! right..?

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  17. Oof, and here we return to more difficult waters again. These two will have a lot more work to do before working everything out. The self-sabotaging is so real, with both Sendai-san and Miyagi convincing themselves so hard that this other girl who mysteriously chooses to spend so much time secretly with them and wants to kiss somehow really doesn’t want to be together -_-.

    On a side note, this may be the first time in the novel where it is explicitly stated,
    not implied, that Hazuki is taller, right? Whereas in the manga, the artist is being based and makes it absolutely clear on every second page that she is that ever so decisive bit higher, hnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggg.

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  18. just a heads up, it doesnt seem like this chapter is linked from the homepage, i could only read it by clicking next chapter

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  20. Yet, the fact that I was still thinking about kissing her, even after everything that happened, made me feel like I deserved to sink to the bottom of hell.

    I love how overly dramatic Sendai is through this entire chapter. It really highlights the point that she’s a dumb teenager in love.

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  21. ” But it’s a problem that everything in my life is becoming ‘limited’ to Miyagi; it restricts me too much. ”

    She don’t deserved you girl just move on !

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