Speaking of how I came to like Nagisa.

It was because she always looked so stunning when she was earnestly working towards her goals. For better or worse, I was an ordinary person that lived a carefree life and knew neither hardship nor ambition.

That’s why the sight of Nagisa trying her best shone so brightly for me.

At first, she had been just another friend. But, little by little, I was drawn in by her.

Her profile as she quietly flourished her mechanical pencil. The serious expression she made when she was solving a difficult problem. The moments when she would suddenly turn towards me and flash a gentle smile. I loved it all. It started with me liking the face she made when she was earnestly trying her best and before I knew it, I came to appreciate every single expression she showed. That may be simple minded. “Is that good enough a reason?”, you might ask.

But even so, I loved her.

No, I still love her. So much that I’d like someone to explain how I could come to not love her.

“I kinda love this season.”

Suddenly, the girl walking next to me spoke.

“Because right now, the cherry trees have leaves. Less flashy than the flowers, but still pretty. Nice, right?”

“Hehe, you’re right. It’s charming.”

Nagisa, on the other hand, preferred the cherry blossoms. I recall a moment during middle school when I picked up a petal that stuck to her hair as she was watching the cherry trees. Subconsciously, I put my hand on the golden hair that was swaying in front of my eyes.

“…Senpai?”

“…Eh? Ah!”

Wait, what the heck was I doing? While I was thinking about Nagisa, I ended up doing something like this. I must be out of my mind. This was surely going too far.

“Do you want to touch my hair?”

“Erm…yes.”

“Really? Well I don’t mind if it’s just for a bit.”

She stared at me motionlessly. Of course, her dark eyes were different from Nagisa’s. But they weren’t that different, and just for a moment, it felt like my breath was going to stop. I gently stroked her head and the sensation of her silky hair felt terribly pleasant. She was normally so chatty when we spoke, but now she was just silently gazing at me.

“Your hair feels great to the touch.”

“Of course, I put a lot of effort into it!”

“That so? Impressive!”

The greater part of my heart had been filled with love for Nagisa, and now that it was shattered, I no longer knew what face I should be showing the world. For starters, just like how my hand stopped when I was trying to solve a difficult math problem, dealing with people now gave me pause. I wasn’t sure how to deal with this.

“Just why…?”

She unexpectedly spoke out.

“…Why what?”

Mimi-chan took a little breath.

…And then.

She pulled me in by my necktie. As my body leaned over, the distance between us closed and a sweet fragrance filled my nostrils. My eyes widened.

“I’m asking why you’re touching my hair with such a pained look on your face. Please tell me”.

“Because…”

Because I was rejected by Nagisa. There was no point telling Mimi-chan and I thought it would just trouble her needlessly. But under the gaze of those dark eyes, I got the feeling that staying silent would also be troublesome.

“You seem so distracted when we talk. Did something happen?”

“It’s nothing. Maybe a bit of the springtime blues.”¹

“…Haaa.”

She let out a little sigh.

“My sister.”

Hearing those words, my body jolted.

“Was being shot down by my sister that much of a shock?”

Why did she know?

As I felt my insecurity overwhelming me, Mimi-chan laughed softly.

“Well, if it’s about my Senpai and my big sister, then of course I would know.”

Then why did she go to the trouble of asking anyway? As I was thinking about this, she released my necktie.

“Seeing how shaken you are, I’m on the mark, huh? And here I thought there might be another reason…”.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine, really.”

I muttered, trying to convince myself. My words were so empty that I almost made myself laugh.

“When people say I’m fine, they’re usually lying…that just won’t do.”

She came a step closer, and my heartbeat got faster. Just a little.

She ought to be different from Nagisa in more ways than she was the same, so why was I acting like this?

“I just can’t stand seeing you in pain like this, so let me help you forget those feelings for my sister.”

“Eh?”

“What I’m saying is that I’ll go out with you until you can forget about my sister.”

“You’re gonna hang out with me…?”

“That’s not what I mean, though?”

“I know.”

Having her little sister take care of me after getting shot down by Nagisa? I didn’t even know what to think about that. Felt kinda pitiful, no?

“…Soooo. Just let me know what I can do, Senpai.”

She shot me a broad smile.

Bathed in the sun’s fading light, her smile was so beautiful and genuine that I unknowingly held my breath. Maybe I could take her offer? Weak as I am, I might end up clinging to her.

Just as my hand was about to reach out to her –

I heard a rustling sound from the nearby bushes.

“Huh?!”

With a start, I pulled Mimi behind me. Could it be a boar? I’d seen in the news that boars appeared in the city, so it wasn’t out of the question.

Someone had told me that you can get hurt seriously when a boar charges at you, so that was pretty scary. But I wouldn’t take any chance of letting it hurt Mimi-chan.

Come at me!

Even if I couldn’t win…as long as I could protect Mimi-chan, I would…should…m-might be fine. Probably. As I fretted, a shape emerged from the bushes. A tail attached to a long body, carried by four legs.

No doubt, it was –

“A cat!”

What came out of the bush was a black cat. Seeing as it’s ear was slightly clipped, it must belong to this neighborhood. The black cat walked over to our side.

“C-cute!”

I slowly bent my knees and petted the cat. Not showing any signs of discomfort, the cat seemed to be used to people and let out a soft “Meow”.

“There, there kitty, where did you come fwom?”

As my petting intensified, the cat’s face turned a bit sour. That face was cute in it’s own way, but I knew I shouldn’t bully the cat and let up.

“…Senpai.”

“Huh?”

As I looked up, Mimi-chan was staring at me with a terribly dumbfounded expression.

“Forgetting about me?”

“N-no way! The cat was just kinda cute and I kinda had to pet it and you know…”

“…Haaa, you really like your cute stuff, Senpai”.

Mimi-chan lowered her body and stroked the cat’s fur. I wasn’t about to point out how this cat-like girl was petting a cat but, as if that thought had somehow been conveyed, she silently fixed her eyes on me.

“What?”

“It’s nothing. Cats sure are cute, right? Makes me feel all fluffy inside.”

“…”

As I was stroking the cat’s back, I could hear her breathing next to me. Sorry for being like this, Mimi! I was petting the cat with my shoulders hunched.

“Thanks.”

I turned my head as she unexpectedly spoke.

“For trying to protect me…thanks, really.”

“Ah…you’re welcome, I guess? It was a spur of the moment thing, I didn’t really think about it.”

“Well maybe it’s one of those spur of the moment things where your true nature shows. Doesn’t that just mean you’re a good person?”

“I…Is that so? Hehe, I would be glad”.

Being praised like this didn’t feel bad at all. Truthfully, if a boar had actually appeared, there was a good chance both Mimi-chan and myself would have gotten hurt. At most I would have turned into a barrier.

“Though I would have been okay even without you being there to protect me.”

“Heh?”

“‘cause I’m stronger than you, Senpai!”

As she said that, she took off her blazer. Then, she rolled up the sleeves of her blouse a little.

“Hey, try feeling my arms. They’re pretty firm!”

“Uhm…”

Even if she told me to touch them, I was a bit lost. She had let me touch her hair before, so why was I hesitating now? Touching people shouldn’t be so intimidating in the first place.

“Here, just like this…”

“Ah, wai–”

She grabbed my hand with her left and brought it to her right arm. While I wouldn’t say I felt anything “firm”, there certainly was some elasticity. I myself had no muscle in my arms to speak of, but Mimi-chan seemed to have trained a bit.

“It’s pretty hard. Not bad!”

“That’s because I work out, duh. No surprise there.”

Mimi made a face like this was somewhat of a matter of pride for her. I thought it was cute how her expression matched her youth. She looked just like the Mimi-chan I’ve always known.

“Are you in some kind of club at school?”

“Nope. Only the go home right away one. School clubs sound like too much effort. Anyway!”

Brashly, she brought her face close to mine. I wasn’t used to having people talk to me at this close a distance so I kinda felt a bit overwhelmed, you know? And as I suddenly leaned back, the black cat got startled and ran off.

…And here I wanted to touch it a little more.

“Senpai, let me touch your arm too!”

“Err, why?”

“I want to prove that I’m stronger. I’ll get a better idea by touching it. Come on, let me see!”

“W-wait a mom–”

She got to pulling off my blazer, and tremendously fast at that. My bewildered self was swept up by her energy and she rolled up my sleeves.

“Woah, it’s all squishy!”

“Eh…”

Squishy, she said…No, wait, there’s no way! It wasn’t like I was on a diet, but I was eating my meals normally and holding back on the sweets, so I shouldn’t be squishy. Or so I had thought.

…Now I wasn’t so sure.

“Your upper arm is all fluffy, too.”

“H-hey can’t you make that sound a bit nicer?”

“Nicer as in…?”

“…Like snuggly or something.”

“And you’d feel better if I said that…?”

I think it would feel better than squishy or fluffy. The feeling that fluffy invokes was better suited for things like whipped cream or pancakes. Using it to describe someone was a bit…well. She made it sound like I was chubby or something. Eh, I wasn’t, right?

“What about…here, I wonder!”

“Egh!”

Having rolled my sleeves up all the way, she went ahead and reached under my arms. I shivered as she tickled me and, try as I might, couldn’t get away from her. She might not have been lying when she said she’s stronger than me. With surprising power, she kept my hand held behind my back while tickling my armpits.

“Wai…ahaha…hehe…hoho!”

“The way you laugh is kinda cringe, Senpai!”

How rude. Who do you think was making me laugh like this in the first place?

“Hey, Mimi-chan!”

“Yes, it’s me, Mimi-chaaan!”

“Y-your hand, stop…”

“Don’t wanna…“

“Well then how’s this!”

I stretched out my other hand, grabbing her shoulder and in that instant our eyes met. With a faint smile on her face, she did resemble Nagisa after all. Quietly, I let go of her. The everyday sight of Nagisa’s shoulders from behind came to mind, something that was now painful to remember. Before, touching them was trivial. But now, when she was in front of me, I couldn’t even do something as simple as tapping her on the shoulder and engaging in some idle chatter. And here I had been the one to say we should stay friends. I’m an idiot.

“If you won’t fight back, then that’s it!”

“Eh? Ah…wai-ahahaha!”

How did we even get here? Mimi had said she just wanted to touch my arms, and somehow I ended up being tickled to hell and back. The moment I thought of Nagisa, I had lost any chance of resisting and now I had no choice but to continue enduring it. I ended up being tickled by Mimi-chan until she finally got tired of it. Most of my friends weren’t that heavy on physical contact, so having somebody touch me this brazenly was quite the new experience.

I was about ready to die from lack of oxygen, though.

And somehow it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Maybe this casual bout of physical affection had helped to ease the pain in my heart. I guess I had Mimi-chan to thank for that.

“Ha…ha…phew. You really went overboard there.”

“You were so fluffy that I couldn’t help it.”

“So what did you think about my fluffy parts?”

“Hm. What else can I say but fluffy?”

“You don’t mean I’m fat, right? RIGHT?

“…”

“Hey, why aren’t you saying anything?…Mimi-chan?!”

I run after her as she walks off.

In spite of everything, I had been trying my best to win Nagisa’s affections. I used to be conscious about how I looked in front of her, and that hadn’t really changed. The way I did my hair, down to the color, was because Nagisa had once told me it was cute this way. Since then, I’d kept on looking the same, just like a fossil. But what had stayed the same wasn’t just my looks, but my feelings as well. Painfully so.

“Senpai.”

She had turned around and drew me into a hug.

She gave off a sweet and gentle fragrance. Her body’s warmth, reaching me through the thin fabric, was warmer and softer than Nagisa’s. And just from this touch, my heart began to race.

Before I could dwell on why, my thoughts were taken over by doubts about how this had even happened. It’s not like I was really against it – while I wasn’t really the type to get touchy with others, I didn’t have any problem with physical contact.

But my heart was beating so loud, it was going to drive me insane. I knew I should be pulling away, but I couldn’t help wanting to stay like this.

“Mimi-chan?”

“A car came by so that was a bit dangerous.”

“Ah, so that’s why…”

I really could hear the sound of cars running behind me, I must have been walking close to the road.

Badump, badump. My heart was so loud.

I’d never been hugged this tightly by another person. That must be why it made my heart race this much.

“Thanks, Mimi-chan. You saved me from getting hit by a car…Mimi-chan?”

I pulled back as if to end our hug, but Mimi-chan didn’t follow suit. Rather, she went ahead and hugged me even tighter, to the point where it hurt a little.

“Senpai, you really are fluffy.”

“As if I’m happy to hear that. Well then, Mimi-chan, you’re cozy.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? You’re saying I’m a baby or something?”

“Well, it’s true!”

“Okay, then I’m right, too!”

“That I’m fluffy?”

“Yep, you’re fluffy. About as much as that cat from before.”

Put like that, it didn’t sound half bad. I guess the fluffiness of cats is soothing to people. I wasn’t entirely sure about myself, but I liked the idea that I had the same effect.

Maybe I’d become a cat in my next life.

By now, my heartbeat was so deafening that I couldn’t take my mind off it any longer. Mimi-chan, finally seeming satisfied, let me go. I let out a soft sigh and started walking behind her again. I tried clenching my fists and opening them again a few times. Nothing felt particularly off – just that my heart was still being a little noisy.

“…You get it now, right?” She said as she turned her head.

“I’m stronger than you, Senpai. So maybe you could rely on me a bit, hm?”

“Even though I’m the Senpai?”

“When you’re suffering that much, you shouldn’t be worrying about stuff like Senpai and Kouhai“

“…But then I’d just feel pathetic.”

“You’re bringing that up now?”

“W-what do you mean by that?”

“Hehehe.”

“Excuse me?”

I knew myself that I wasn’t acting all that much like the older one here, but has she always seen me as kinda helpless?

…I wasn’t even sure if I could deny that.

“Okay then, Mimi-chan.”

“Yes?”

“Could I distract myself with your company for just a little bit?”

“Rather than a little bit, how about I accompany you for a long while instead?”

Yuzuha had already spent so much time helping me take my mind off it all, and now I was even burdening Mimi-chan. It felt wrong. But before I knew it, I had decided to lean on her as well. Perhaps it was just my roused pulse, or because she looked so reliable…or maybe it was because she resembled Nagisa. The only thing I was sure of was that I couldn’t take it back anymore. I tried awkwardly to let out a laugh, but that didn’t come to pass.

A grumbling sound beat me to it. From my stomach.

“Hehe. Wanna stop by the convenience store?”

“Uh…sure. Let’s go.”

I was so embarrassed that I could feel my face burning up. I was a mess. A total mess. Just from a bit of heartbreak, I had totally stopped acting my age. Truly the worst. It Seemed like I would spend the rest of the day sighing.

“It’s right there. Should we head over?”

“Ah, yeah…”

Disheartened as I was, I entered the convenience store.

“Wow, look at this! Limited edition seasonal gummies! Mmmh, they look so good!”

“You’re so easy to please.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“Ah, I don’t mean that in a bad way! I like it more when you’re full of energy…” She muttered.

Because she was facing the merchandise on the shelf, I couldn’t tell what she was thinking when she said that.

“True. The most important thing is to stay positive…hey, you know how convenience stores have all these limited edition items? I like those a lot!”

“I get that. Speaking about limited editions, it feels like you’re missing out when you don’t buy them, right?”

“Right? There’s just something enchanting about limited editions.”

“Not just engaging, but enchanting.”

“Yep. Isn’t that what gets you?”

“I’m not so sure about that…” She suddenly pulled the rug from under my feet.

You could have just agreed with me, I thought to myself as I took the gummies to the cashier. That was when I noticed a bunch of stuffed animals placed close to the register. It looked like they were prizes for some kind of raffle. One of them was a penguin character I really liked. It was a fairly big plushie that looked perfect for my bed.

I hesitated for a moment. Usually you’d need to be really lucky to win something nice in a raffle. Plus, one draw was 600 Yen – not cheap for a high school student.

Honestly, I shouldn’t even bother, right? Right. Riiiighhht. Right?

“Please take one ticket from the box!”

Huh. Before I knew it, I had stuck my hand into the box. What a powerful enchantment. Could it be that the plushie called out to me? Take me back home with you…

“That would be prize F. It’s this towel.”

Yep, I knew it. Of course. I’d been totally down on my luck recently, after all. I’m not surprised that I couldn’t have what I wanted. I quietly stowed the towel in my bag.

“I’m sorry, can I also draw a ticket?”

“Ah yes, here you go! That will be 660 Yen including tax.”

“Um, Mimi-chan?”

Her hand stretching out from beside me was rummaging around in the box. Then, she seized one of the tickets. No way, I thought as I looked at her. She was grinning.

“Prize G is an acrylic key holder. Here you go.”

“…”

“…”

Our eyes met as we fell dead silent.

Yeah, um, well. That’s just how it goes with raffles.

“Aha, ahahaha…Mimi-chan, let’s go.”

“One more, please.”

“Eh?”

She spoke with an intense expression. You don’t have to take it that seriously, I thought.

“Mimi-chan, is this really fine?”

“What do you mean?”

“Um, well, about the money.”

“Not a problem. I started working part-time since last month.”

“Ah, I see.”

Was it okay to use the precious salary from her part-time job for this? Although, it didn’t seem like she was that drawn to the idea. But I guess raffles are things that you draw. While I was having these useless thoughts, she reached into the box once more. With a rustling sound she rummaged around the tickets until she seemed to find one that she liked. At last, she triumphantly raised the ticket in her hand.

“That’ll be F?”

“One more. I’ll try one more time.”

“Really?!”

This was bad. It felt like I was watching someone spiraling into a gambling addiciton. Before I could even stop her, she had tossed the towel my way. I caught it without thinking as she tried her hand at the raffle for the third time. M-maybe we should end it here…

“Prize G.”

“One more.”

The next one, and the ones after that were only Fs and Gs again. Even the young store clerk began to feel sorry and offered us a strained smile. After the 9th draw, I told her to stop.

“That’s enough! It’s not worth it to waste your precious salary on something like this!”

“I’ll decide how I use my money! Just watch me, Senpai!”

She was so stubborn. The Mimi-chan I knew was a little more flexible, a girl who wouldn’t get hung up over small things like this. I was seeing a new side of her. Her serious profile as she continued drawing from the raffle when the prizes weren’t even that good reminded me a little bit of Nagisa, but she had an entirely different charm to her.

“It’s prize A! That plushie is all yours!”

“YES!”

Her face had been stone-cold while drawing the lottery tickets, but now she was letting her emotions show. I let out an involuntary giggle upon seeing this cute side of hers and picked up the box with the plushie that was standing next to the register. To celebrate the occasion, I might as well give it to her like a trophy.

“Here you go. I’m glad that you got the one you wanted.”

I handed it to her, but she dodged the gesture.

“…?”

As I tried to put it in her right hand, she pulled that one back. Then when I tried to put it in the left, the other hand pulled back too. And then, she just crossed her arms and completely refused to receive her prize.

“Why…?”

“It’s for you, Senpai.”

“Eh?”

“I don’t even like this sort of thing.”

After saying her piece, she swiftly left the store.

Huhhh? This is unreal. Could it be that she liked the mere thrill of drawing from the raffle and had no interest whatsoever in that vital prize?

As her Senpai, I was worried that she might end up addicted to gambling in the future. I hurried to follow after her, but that proved to be unnecessary. She had stopped in front of the convenience store and was eating the limited edition gummies that she apparently bought. It was the same type that I had gotten, but a different flavor.

“…You’re really ok with giving this to me?”

“Yeah. You wanted it, right?”

“Uh…yeah. How did you…?”

“I already knew. You’ve said before that you like that character, right Senpai? And just now you were looking at it with wide eyes. Like a kid before Christmas.”

“It was that obvious? Ugh, just kill me.”

“It’s fine, isn’t it? You have it now.”

“You’re right. Hehe.”

I hugged the box tightly and let out a giggle as I smiled.

Mimi-chan’s eyes narrowed.

“Does having this plushie really make you that happy?”

“Yeah, I’m very happy. Thanks, Mimi-chan.”

“You’re quite welcome. It’s been worth working like a horse for the past month.”

As she said this, she laughed softly. I feel like I got to see so many different expressions from Mimi-chan today. How she looked when she got serious, or when she was flashing a cute smile. I felt a sudden, warm sensation in my chest. I was glad that I got to enjoy finding these small splotches of variety in my everyday life.

It made me feel fluffy.

My joy over the plushie wasn’t the only reason I had giggled.

“I was happy that you tried the raffle so many times for my sake, Mimi-chan. Just a little.”

“Uh, really?”

“It made me really happy that you went so far as to spend your own money just to get me a present that you had no interest in. I’ll treasure this, you know.”

Her eyes grew wide and after a moment, she laughed softly.

“You don’t have to go that far.”

…What?

I thought that we had a good mood going. Had I imagined it?

“If that one ends up old and worn, I’ll just get you a new one. So don’t treasure it too much.”

“Even after ten years? Twenty?”

“Yeah, if you want me to, Senpai”, she said coolly.

Mimi-chan may have been more of a romantic than I took her for. I smiled lightly.

“Is that so? That makes me a bit happy. But I’ll treasure it anyway. It’s the first present I’ve gotten from you after all, Mimi-chan.”

“I see.”

I carefully put the box into my bag. It was so big that I could hardly close the zipper, which might have made me even happier. I opened the bag of gummies and threw one into my mouth. The taste was nothing out of the ordinary, but it may just have tasted better to me than usual.

“Hehe. You’re a pretty sore loser huh, Mimi-chan?”

“I guess you’re right. When there’s something I want, I’ll stop at nothing to have it. How about you, Senpai?”

As she fixed her gaze on me, I subtly averted my eyes.

The taste of the gummy began to change.

“If I…If it seemed impossible, I’d give up. I’m not that strong, after all.”

I wonder, what exactly I was referring to here. She likely understood what I was getting at and inhaled softly.

“I see. Guess that’s just life for you.” She spoke in a low voice, and while she wasn’t consoling me, she also wasn’t speaking to herself.

I wondered which of the two was the right thing to do.

To completely give up and abandon it all?

Or not to give up and persevere no matter what?

Because I couldn’t commit to either, this half-baked pain hadn’t left me. But reality wasn’t that straightforward anyway. I thought I was making a step forward when I confessed to Nagisa. Even if that relationship of us being “good friends” were to crumble, that would be ok so long as a new relationship emerged from that. But when my confession backfired, I became afraid of losing that friendship. Even though I had sought for our relationship to change, now change was the last thing I wanted. I had ended up half‑heartedly making a step backwards. My heart became more brittle the more I wavered, and the things I wanted to safeguard slipped through my fingers.

In the end, not only had I failed to claim the spot of Nagisa’s lover, but I had also lost the position I held before. Now my brittle heart could neither give up nor persevere. This single crack that had formed in my so far unblemished life was more than enough to split my heart in two.

This was truly ridiculous, I thought to myself. To end up like this from a broken heart. It was unbelievable that this could make me feel like the ground was crumbling beneath my feet.

“Senpai.”

“Hmmm?”

“I’ll help you forget about my sister. So if there’s anything that we could do to make that happen, tell me.”

“Anything?”

“Yes. Anything.” Her fingertips brushed my lips.

With that soft touch, she pushed in one of the gummies she had bought. With the first bite, it was terribly sour, but the taste was soon joined by an underlying sweetness. What remained after swallowing it was nothing but the sourness, though.

“How’s the taste?”

“A bit sour, I guess.”

“Is that so? I like it.” Having said that, she popped a gummy in her own mouth.

Somehow, I could do nothing but idly watch her as she did so.

　　　　★

“Thanks for having me!”

“Please come in!”

A familiar scent filled my nostrils. The liquid in the reed diffuser that had been placed in the entryway was a little emptier than the last time I came.

“…Hey, Yuika.”

Just as Nagisa had gone ahead into her room, Yuzuha whispered into my ear.

“You okay? You could totally have skipped today’s study session.” Her voice was gentle and full of concern. In spite of her boisterous nature, in times like these she was nothing but kind. I gave a faint smile.

“I’m fine. I’ve made up my mind to go back to being friends with her, after all. And we always do this with the three of us, so it would be weird if I didn’t come…”

“Yuika, as long as you’re fine that’s good and all, but tell me if it gets hard. We can step out for a bit.”

“Hehe, thanks.”

Todays study meeting was something we all had agreed on. At first, we had started this to help the study-averse Yuzuha come to enjoy schoolwork more, but by now these had turned into prep sessions for our regular tests. We’d also been doing these in the third term of our first year, but at that time Nagisa and I had still been normal friends. It was hard to believe that the mood between us had changed this much in just a few months. I quietly went to Nagisa’s room.

“Aargh! I really hate math! I should’ve picked humanities!”

We had been studying for an hour. At last, Yuzuha had had an outburst and was slouched on the table. Nagisa and I faced each other. With strained smiles, we tried to somehow encourage Yuzuha. She was probably putting up a front out of consideration for us. No, our study meetings actually always ended up something like this.

I let out a small sigh. I might not be able to talk to Nagisa as I did before.

Or so I had thought, but I was able meet her gaze and speak with her like usual. It must be because Yuzuha and Mimi-chan had taken away just a little bit of the load weighing down my heart. It wasn’t all back to how it used to be, though.

“You understand these subjects really well, Nagisa. You must be studying every day, right?” Yuzuha speaks listlessly, having turned half-liquid like a runny egg yolk.

Nagisa smiled. “I guess so. I review and look at material in advance, at least.”

“Eeeh. I’m already burned out from just the high school entrance exams. Is there something that drives you?”

“I wonder…to get into a good university, land a proper job, and make my parents happy. Something like that, I guess?”

Unsurprisingly, Nagisa was amazing. She was already thinking about her future prospects so seriously at this age. Future prospects. Prospects, huh? I couldn’t even imagine what things would be like one year from now, so preoccupied I was with the emotions I held right now. About to be drowned by my own feelings, it didn’t seem like I could waste any thought on my future.

“I see. In the future…I want to become Prime Minister.”

“I didn’t think you were that ambitious, Yuzuha”, I say offhandedly.

Yuzuha turned her face towards me. Her golden hair lightly rustled over her notebook.

“I guess. Once I become the Prime Minister, I’ll make a law where I alone can buy whatever I want, whenever I want, as much as I want, every day.”

“…Yuzuha, let’s study a little harder.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I patted Yuzuha’s head. Despite only knowing her for a year, I had somehow come to understand a lot about her. Like how she always acted kind of lazy and disinterested, but in fact was thinking things through properly. Or how she was unexpectedly compassionate. I’d seen that side of her a lot after getting rejected by Nagisa.

I’m really happy to have seen this new side of my friend. But, because of the circumstances, I couldn’t enjoy it quite as much as I should.

“Haaah…Oh. Can you explain this part to me? I don’t get it.”

“Hm? This part, you see…”

“Oh, about this part…”

As Nagisa and I peeked into Yuzuha’s textbook from both sides, our eyes naturally met. Our gazes crossed from one edge of the textbook to the other. Caught at the edge of my vision, our hands perfectly represent the mental distance between us. While I could feel a faint pain swelling in my chest, the right timing to avert my eyes eluded me. It seemed to be the same for Nagisa. Her large brown eyes reflected me like a mirror. In those eyes, could that be affection towards me?

Or not.

I ended up thinking back to a similar moment long ago when I had made that mistake.

“Heey, you two. Either of you is fine, but could you hurry up and explain this to me?”

“Ah, right. I’ll explain.”

Expectedly, I was the one to avert my eyes first. I silently took a deep breath and met Yuzuha’s eyes. Her mouth was moving.

“You okay?“

She was soundlessly mouthing the words so that only I could understand.

I nodded lightly. I’m okay. Unlike one month ago, I could properly show a smile and converse with her. I’d been doing nothing but causing Yuzuha to worry. Next time we go out, I should treat her to something nice.

“You want to use this formula here…”

“I see, I see. You’re getting better at explaining this stuff, Yuika.”

“Eh? Is that so?”

“Yeah. In our first year, you still needed those explanations for yourself. Good job.”

Yuzuha patted my head. Having her do this in front of Nagisa was a bit embarrassing. It was because of Nagisa that I had started working harder on my studies.I wanted to catch up to her, even by just a little bit, so that I could become someone that she would praise. As a result of these continued efforts, my grades had improved quite a bit.

My current self was largely composed of the remnants of my love for Nagisa and I don’t think I could ever get rid of the influence she’s had on me. I wondered how everybody else settled the aftermath of a love that’s come to an end.

“Hey Nagisa, you think so too, right?”

“…Yeah. You’re doing great, Yuika.”

Thump. My heart skipped a beat. Nagisa’s praise made me happy. Just a single word from her brought me this undeniable bliss, this hopeless pain, and in just an instant I was about to lose all control of my countenance.

I smiled.

“Right? I’ve worked pretty hard. Maybe I’m even better at teaching than Nagisa now?”

“How about you try saying that after you get better grades than Nagisa?”

“Oof.”

“Ehehe. But your placement in the tests got closer to mine, right Yuika?”

“Guess so.”

“We were first and twelfth?”

“Yeah. What about you, Yuzuha?”

“Thirtieth.”

“Out of all the second years? Or of your class?”

“No comment.”

“Ah…ahahaha.”

As we talked like this, I slowly remembered how we used to be. Right, this is how it felt. Back then, the three of us were spending our time with no concern whatsoever.

I found it surprisingly funny. I might have a knack for heartbreak.

Wait, that’s not something I wanted to be good at. As this difficult mood was about to take hold of me, the table suddenly vibrated. I looked and saw Yuzuha’s smartphone making noise. Seems like she was being called.

“Ah, it’s my job. Wait a moment, I’m stepping out.”

She grabbed her smartphone and stood up. Naturally, when she exited, Nagisa and I were left behind. I could hear Yuzuha’s voice from the other side of the door. I tried producing a smile.

“But you’re really something else, Nagisa.”

“Eh?”

“Ever since middle school you’ve always been at the top of our grade! That’s like, really impressive!”

“Ahaha, thanks. But I can’t do much except study.”

“That’s not true!”

I somehow ended up leaning forward, making her blink in surprise.

“Yuika?”

“Um. Nagisa. More than just schoolwork, you’re really nice to everyone, and always try your best and…uhm, I think you’re great…”

I lamely tapered off.

Even though there were a hundred things I liked about Nagisa just floating around in my heart, I failed at putting them into words. Frustrated, I wished I could properly convey just one tenth of what I felt to her exactly as is.

She responded to my platitude with a smile.

“Yuika, you’re always full of praise for me.”

“Ah…”

My eyes get caught in hers. I do love her, after all. I wanted to preserve this smile in my heart’s photo album and come back to look at it over and over again. And yet I gently averted my eyes.

“Thanks, Yuika. That makes me happy.”

“Yep. L-let me know if you ever want to be praised some more. I’ve got a lot more to say about your good points.”

“Yuika-“

“Eeeh, for real?!”

As if to drown out Nagisa’s words, Yuzuha’s voice erupted, before she burst back into the room.

“Sorry! I forgot I took a shift today! Gotta go!”

It was rare for me to see Yuzuha in this much of a rush. She hastily stuffed her notebook and her stationery into her bag before getting up. Then, she gave me a light tap on the back.

“Keep it together while I’m gone, ok?” She whispered in a low voice so only I could hear before leaving.

“Yuika, Nagisa! Thanks for helping me study today! Later!”

“Yeah, see you. Good luck with your job!”

I said, waving my hand. Yuzuha smiled lightly and left the room. And with that, the room turned silent again.

“Ah, Yuzuha’s always moving about like a storm. What energy. I could learn a thing or two from her.”

Haha.I let out a dry laugh as I spoke. Nagisa responded with a vague nod. Our conversation came to a halt.

Awkward. It shouldn’t be this hard to chat with a friend, but right now I didn’t know what to say. It seems like the natural conversation earlier was all due to Yuzuha’s efforts.

I sucked at being heartbroken after all.

“S-study! Let’s review!”

“Yeah. Let’s.”

I was just spinning my wheels. I couldn’t recall the distance that was between us when we were friends, nor any of the other things that should have been so straightforward. I was fine acting like we were before when we were a trio, but I was drawing blanks when it came to how it had been with just the two of us. It was like the memories were there, but I couldn’t make myself go through the motions. Those words that had felt so obvious wouldn’t leave my mouth anymore and I just didn’t know what to do.

It felt like nothing I said would be me.

I returned to studying once again…pretended to, at least, and sneakily watched her profile. It had been a while since I saw her face from this close. From before she broke my heart to after that, her face hadn’t changed. But, even though her countenance as she was seriously focused on her studies was as beautiful as ever, it didn’t feel the same as before. And just like that, my chest tightened. I drew my gaze away from her profile and lowered it to my notes.

I ended up drawing an errant line with my mechanical pencil while I was distracted. I’d better erase it. As I thought that and reached for the eraser, my hand bumped into hers. When I caught a glance at her usually so well-kept notebook, I saw that she had scrawled black lines all over messily striking through almost everything.

“Ah…sorry. That was your eraser, Yuika.”

“Yeah. But you can use it first.”

Her graceful fingers traced mine. My body jumped with a start.

“…Hey, Yuika.”

A soft voice. Brown-hued eyes. Even though they seemed so similar, they were so different from each other. So why, in this moment, did Nagisa and Mimi-chan seem one and the same?

“Do you still like me?”

“Wha…”

My throat tightened at the unexpected question. Where was she going with this? If I said I still liked her, will she go out with me after all? Or was it so off‑putting to have a friend tell her “I loveyou”, that she wanted me to confirm that I didn’t feel that way anymore?

I didn’t know what to think.

At the very least, I didn’t think I had mistaken anybody’s affections up until now. Whenever I’d said “I like you”, whether it was to my parents or my friends, they had returned those feelings. Of course there had been people I hadn’t clicked with, but as far as those people I was close with went, I believe that their affection towards me had been absolutely genuine.

And yet.

I had thought that Nagisa held a special kind of affection towards me when in reality, she did not. Now that I had been mistaken about affection once, I became unable to trust my own judgment.

Whether it was her actions or her words, I wondered if there wasn’t a hidden motive to all of it – if I was just misunderstanding it, if the feelings of that person who I thought liked me were really something else.

I was afraid, confused, and helpless.

“…Sorry. I’m going to go to the restroom for a moment.”

“Eh? Nagisa!” She stood up and left the room.

I wondered what would have been the right answer. I should have said something, anything. But, I would hate for Nagisa to be disgusted with me. It’s kinda weird to think this way even after I’d confessed to her. I wished I could grasp people’s feelings as thoroughly as an object held in my hands, and likewise, to convey my feelings to them all at once without any misunderstandings.

…But hey, not being able to do that is what makes us human.

Before I knew it, I had collapsed onto the table. I got the feeling that I’d been spinning my wheels ever since my heart had been broken. Even though I knew I somehow had to get ahold of myself, whenever I came face to face with Nagisa my feelings of love would begin to overflow. Even though it was hard, even though it was painful. Even though I thought I should let it all go.

“…I do.”

In the end I couldn’t stop liking her, loving her so much that it hurt. Just deciding to return to being friends wouldn’t make this love go away. The fragments of my shattered love had deeply pierced my heart, and it was still crying out in pain. What should I do, really? Even if I asked, there were no answers. Whether I was the one asking the question or trying to come up with the answer, in the end I was lost in these feelings of love all the same.

“Yuika.”

Nagisa must have returned at some point and called out to me as I was fused to the table. Flustered, I sat up.

“S-sorry! I kinda got exhausted!”

“You don’t have to get that startled. Anyway, let’s study.”

“Right.”

As I was looking at the workbook, I suddenly felt her gaze on me. As I raised my head, Nagisa met my eyes. She was staring at me intensely.

“Nagisa, what’s up?”

“Ah, nothing really. Yuika, you…”

She opened and closed her mouth a few times but ended up just smiling.

“It’s nothing…sorry for asking such a weird question earlier.”

“It’s ok. I also shouldn’t have…”

I shouldn’t have confessed to you. I’m sorry. I kept the words I was just about to let out locked in my chest. If I ended up apologizing for this love I harbored towards Nagisa, it felt like I would stop being myself.

Having swallowed my words once, the next ones wouldn’t come out either. Both Nagisa and I wordlessly resumed our studying. As I quietly moved my mechanical pencil, I suddenly thought of Mimi-chan. Her shoes had been at the entrance, so she should be in the house right now. I wondered what she was up to. As I was thinking about that, I watched Nagisa’s face from the side. Nagisa is Nagisa, and Mimi-chan is Mimi-chan. But their serious expressions sure looked alike.

There wasn’t anything significant about that, though. Or at least, there shouldn’t be.

---

1. Literally “May sickness” or “May blues”, as in a type of depression that one experiences in spring; seasonal affective disorder. ↩︎

---

< Previous Chapter│Next Chapter >