Study groups were formed for the purpose of preparing for midterms and finals. In other words, exam season was drawing near. No matter if you were first, second, or third years, tests indiscriminately came for us all.

“…Haah.”

As Mimi-chan’s concentration broke, she started spinning her mechanical pencil. Today, she had asked me to help her study. Thinking that it might be a bit awkward to go to the school library, we went to a local one instead. Her yellow necktie swayed as she spun her pencil. Yellow indicated that you were a first year. The second years were red, and the third years green. Personally, I liked the vivid red the best.

“…Senpai, why are you staring at my chest?”

She said in an exasperated fashion.

Did she think I was some kind of lecher?

“I’m looking at your necktie, not your chest.”

“My necktie? …But this is just the one they make us buy for our uniforms.”

“Last year, the third-years were the ones wearing yellow neckties. I just thought that seeing it on a first-year like you was a bit fresh, Mimi-chan.”

“I see, so that’s why.”

Thinking about it, I was already a second-year. Just one year ago I had been overjoyed to get into the same high school as Nagisa. Time had passed in the blink of an eye. Even now I could clearly remember the joy I had felt at that time, although I didn’t particularly want to. I stared absentmindedly at her.

“Mimi-chan, why did you go for that hair color?”

“Umm…well, no reason. Maybe I wanted to feel like my future was golden.

Golden. Golden, huh. Although I couldn’t quite form a picture of it in my mind, If it was Mimi-chan, I got the feeling that most colors would look rather good on her.

“Senpai, which color would you like?”

“Eh? Umm, I think any color would be fine? I’m sure you’d look good in anything.”

“Senpai, when somebody asks you what you want to eat, you’re the type to say ‘whatever is fine, as long as you made it,’ huh? That won’t do. I’ll need a better answer.”

“Eeh…”

Disregarding the talk about food, I thought it would be better if she decided the color of her hair for herself. But if I had to say…

“Black, maybe?”

“…Why?”

“Because it’s your original color, Mimi-chan. I thought that it would be the prettiest if you kept it as it was.”

“Then, Senpai, why don’t you keep the makeup off for the rest of your life?”

“Eh? I don’t know about that…”

“I was joking. …And I’ll keep that in mind.”

“…Yeah.”

The sound of her pen spinning stopped. Perhaps feeling a little reenergized from the small talk, she turned to her workbook once again.

I could hear the sound of her mechanical pencil gliding over her notebook. Alongside that movement, her hair softly fluttered. I lightly inhaled the sweet fragrance that suited Mimi-chan so well. She really was pretty.

Her serious look in profile resembled that of Nagisa’s, but I knew they weren’t the same. And yet, just a bit, it set my feelings aflutter, or something like that. I felt like my heart was wavering. Pondering on the differences between the two also led me to think about their similarities. In those unexpected moments when I sensed Nagisa in Mimi-chan, I might have ended up clinging to her. It must be because I was such a hopeless person.

But at the same time, I also felt that I was becoming a little attracted to Mimi-chan herself.

I was a mess.

“Senpai, can you explain this part?”

“Sure. You do this by…”

Today wasn’t the first time the two of us had studied together like this. Even back when we had just been Senpai and Kouhai, she had asked me to help her out from time to time. At that time my grades hadn’t been that good and I wasn’t quite as skilled of a teacher, which had left me somewhat frustrated.

“And for this part you…”

While I was explaining, I noticed Mimi-chan intently staring at me.

“Is something the matter?”

“No. Senpai, you’ve become pretty good at explaining.”

“Hehe. Yuzuha said the same thing… Maybe I have Nagisa to thank?”

Seeing as it felt unnatural to never bring her up at all, I tried saying this with a laugh. Mimi-chan didn’t even giggle at that.

“Is that so… Senpai, do you enjoy studying?”

“Eh? I wouldn’t say I like it that much. There are lots of things in life more fun than studying.”

“Ahaha, that’s true. I’m the same. Actually… yeah, I think I absolutely hate it.”

For somebody who said that, I thought she was studying really hard. In regards to that, I might be pretty similar. Even when it was something that I didn’t really enjoy, I could try pretty hard if it was for somebody I liked. Nagisa was my greatest motivator, and I felt like meeting her completely changed who I was.

“But you’re always studying hard, Mimi-chan.”

“Well, that’s only true to an extent. Getting failing grades is even more annoying in a lot of ways. If I don’t do my due diligence, I won’t be allowed my freedom.”

I tilted my head to the side. It seemed like we were touching on a sensitive subject. Mimi-chan laughed softly.

“Apparently, both my mom and dad have always been overachievers. They never stop telling Nagisa and I to study, study, study. My sister is straight-laced enough to keep up with that, but I’ve turned out like this.”

Mimi-chan exhaled lightly. There was no way I could understand the feelings concealed in that breath.

“So that’s why. If I don’t study at least a bit, things get bothersome… Now, Senpai. Can you explain the next part to me?”

“Ah, yeah.”

I hadn’t known. Maybe it wasn’t unusual not to know that much about your friend’s family situation. But despite being Nagisa’s best friend and Mimi-chan’s senpai, I knew too little about their circumstances. Like how Mimi-chan felt about studying, or the sort of life Nagisa had lived up until now.

I had thought that I liked Nagisa for more than just her appearance, but the truth was, I might have only known her on a superficial level.

So what?

Wait, that’s not it. I shouldn’t make that out to be the reason.

“Sure, you might not take things that seriously. But I like you for how you are, Mimi-chan.”

Looking around for words to say, I managed to reach for something simple. Her hand paused, gaze still fixed on her notebook.

“What do you mean, how I am?”

“Like your style, or how you do things a bit differently… or how you hate losing.”

“Is that so? You don’t sugarcoat these things, hm, Senpai? I think you’re a bit too straightforward… Not that I dislike that, though.”

She said with a faint smile. Unlike her usual smiles, this one gave off a bit of a tired feeling. Still, I was genuinely happy that she didn’t reject my words of praise.

I continued helping her study. All the while, an uneasy feeling took hold of me.

“If you can get a grasp of everything up to here, you should be okay with the tests for the first semester.”

“I see. Then, next is…”

After stowing away the math workbook, she began to pull out another one from her bag. There was something about the expression on her profile. For some reason, It might have resembled the face that I saw in the mirror every day.

Without thinking, I grabbed her hand.

“…Senpai?”

“Ah…”

Her eyes widened in surprise, and the warmth of her hand brought me back to my senses.

“Sorry, I just…”

“I don’t mind, Senpai. But let’s keep quiet in the library, please.”

“Umm, yes. I’m sorry…”

I shrinked back. What was I even doing?

“…Hehe. Senpai, all you do is apologize.”

She giggled. While her amused smile relieved me, I could still see the exhaustion in her eyes. I deliberated for a moment before speaking.

“Mimi-chan. Let’s wrap up our study session here.”

“Why? We still have some time.

“There’s a place I really want to go today… with you, Mimi-chan.”

“With me…? I don’t really mind.”

She packed up her stationery with a curious expression. After putting all of the things spread out on the table into my bag, I stood up.

“Well then, let’s go. Please lead the way.”

“Leave it to me.”

I felt a faint tinge of pride. With that, it felt like the world had opened up, just a little bit. Softly, I took a single step to move forward.

“Sorry for the wait. Picking out the candies took a little time.”

We were at a park that was just a short walk away from a big and famous temple in the neighborhood. I ran over to Mimi-chan, who was sitting on a bench in said park. It was an ordinary park that, while fairly packed on the weekends, was deserted during this weekday evening. I sat down next to her.

“I bought these in the shop at that temple. Pick whichever you like.”

“…Picking these out took you that much time?” She asked in an exasperated tone.

I gave a wry smile. Because I had a hard time contemplating what candy would cheer her up, I had taken my sweet time. I ended up buying regular chocolates and snacks.

I had an idea about Nagisa’s tastes, but I was clueless as to what Mimi-chan would enjoy. I had just felt that something sweet would be nice right now.

“…Okay, this one.”

“Almond Choco? Go ahead.”¹

Taking the box with the chocolate-covered almonds, she opened the package and began munching away.

Maybe she did like sweets.

I handed her a plastic bottle with milk tea that I had also bought. This place was quiet. Just a little distance from the sightseeing spot it was nothing but an unassuming corner of a housing area. That’s why I liked it.

“You know, whenever I’m feeling tired or down, I come here to kill some time like this, by eating candy.”

“On your own?”

“Yeah. If I brought someone else, it might bore them. I always come here by myself.”

So why did you bring me? That’s what I thought she would ask, but surprisingly, she just waited for me to speak without saying anything.

“That means you’re the first. To come to this park and do this together with me, I mean.”

“…I see.”

The young cherry leaves swayed in the wind. The old playground equipment seemed a little lonely. That would be quite different if there were any children playing around, though.

“Did I make you worry?” With a thud, her head landed on my shoulder.

Right now, the light weight on my shoulder felt a bit comforting.

“I must have acted really strange, huh. And here I thought I had you fooled.”

I wondered for a moment just what to say, and then softly replied.

“I seemed like you were feeling like how I always feel when I’m in the mood to hang around here. Sorry if I misunderstood.”

“Senpai, you apologize too much… Anyhow, you’re not wrong.”

Her hair swayed in the spring breeze with a fleeting beauty. Letting my hands wander a bit, I stroked her head.

“They had stopped expecting anything from me long ago. But they act like parents at the strangest times, saying all sorts of things to me. It’s unfair.”

“…Yeah.”

“Whether or not they expect something from you, it’s exhausting. Being tied down like that is the worst. All I really want is to freely enjoy my life.”

“…You’re right.”

Mimi-chan might be a surprisingly sensitive girl. I just hadn’t noticed because she always looked like she was still taking it easy. There’s still so much I didn’t quite understand about Mimi-chan, but that’s exactly why I wanted to know more.

“…I haven’t been to the park all that much. I could count the times I’ve played in one on one hand. It’s so stupid.”

Be it Nagisa’s past or Mimi-chan’s past, I had no knowledge of either. The things I knew about the two were from after we entered middle school, but I knew about absolutely nothing before that. What was important was the now, and it was enough to know about everyone who was around now. That’s what I had believed up until this moment.

But sometimes, you wouldn’t be able to really understand someone unless you knew about their past. I slowly stood up.

“Senpai?”

“Mimi-chan. Let’s play!”

“Huh?”

I grabbed her hand tightly. I come to this park when I want to just not think about anything. But I think that for Mimi-chan, there was a more fitting way for her to pass the time here. So I kept walking while pulling her along by the hand.

“Hey! Senpai!”

“Come on, it’s fine! I’ve been going to parks to play since I was little! I’m an expert!”

“That’s news to me!”

Turning around, my eyes caught her standing there with the expression of a small child. This was a face that surely only she could make. With a grin, I made her sit on the swing. The rusty chains made a clinking sound.

School uniforms and swings. It didn’t feel like these two things fit together, but maybe this mismatch was actually a good thing. I smiled.

“I’ll give you a push! Swings are fun, you’ll see! Try it!”

“You’re being awfully forward!”

“As if you aren’t, Mimi-chan! Come on, it’ll be dangerous if you don’t hold on to the chains!”

“Okay, fine, fine!”

As she gripped tightly onto the rusty chains, I gently pushed on her petite back. When I was little, my parents had often done this for me, but this was the first time doing it myself.

I thought that things like being pushed on swings by your parents were a given. My parents would always be there at the bottom of the slide to give me a smile. Maybe that’s why, deep in my heart, I couldn’t ever truly grasp Mimi-chan, who had grown up in a household where she rarely even went out to play in the park. Even if I did something like this right now, the past wouldn’t change – only the now.

That’s why I couldn’t help but want to give her a push.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to relax with you at my rear, Senpai.”

That’s what she suddenly said after some time had passed. I grabbed the chains for a moment to stop the swing.

“Please sit next to me.”

“Gotcha. Ah, do you know how to work a swing?”

“Of course I do. Please don’t take me for an idiot.”

“Then let’s have a contest. Whoever gets to top speed first wins! Ready, set, go!”

“And how many kilometers would top speed be?!”

She spoke exasperatedly as she started moving the swing. As if recalling memories from long ago, I also began bending and stretching my legs.

I felt the wind as it pushed and pulled on my body. The sensation of having my long hair flowing in the wind felt pleasant.

I remembered how as a child, when I swung in the air, I felt like the freest and happiest person in the world. But then, when my feet would touch the ground and I returned to how I was before, I would remember that I was just a normal person after all.

Beyond the wind, I saw Mimi-chan’s figure. She was going just a little slower than me, but still keeping up at a steady pace. Her swing’s speed and movements slowly came to match mine.

“Mimi-chan, are you having fun?”

“Can’t answer, I’m busy trying to make this thing move!”

“I see!”

The chains made clanking sounds.

“Don’t I see me! This isn’t fun at all!”

“It is for me!”

“So selfish…”

“Seeing these different sides of you is fun, Mimi-chan!”

“…”

No matter how much you felt the wind against your face, it didn’t really make you free. Still, our faces met as we went side by side on the swing. Warmth filled my chest over this unmistakable joy.

Mimi-chan still felt distant. We hadn’t talked enough for me to understand all about her just from the words we exchanged. But as I learned about those sides of her I hadn’t known, one by one, it felt like I had set at least one foot into the heart of that person named Hanafusa Mimi.

Going any further from there would be difficult. But I wanted to know about Mimi-chan. That much wasn’t a lie.

“Really. You’re innocent in the weirdest ways, Senpai.”

I could hear her loafers scraping over the ground. She had put her feet down first and was waiting for me. Just like her, I stopped the swing.

“You can be kinda annoying when you act like that, Senpai, but I don’t hate it.”

“Ahaha, really.

…So how was it? It’s not so bad using the playground equipment once in a while, right?”

“It’s not so bad, not bad at all… But if I was alone, I would never.”

“Same for me, Mimi-chan. If you weren’t here, I don’t think I would play around on the equipment like this.”

“Oh, is that so… Then we both feel the same.”

After that slightly off-kilter conversation, we both stood up. After that, we briefly continued playing in the park, going down the slide and mounting the spring riders. But since the park wasn’t that big, we finished playing in about thirty minutes. We returned to the bench once again.

“Whew, I’m beat. When I was little it felt like I could play forever, but at this age that’s pretty hard.”

“Quit talking like some old woman. You’re still in your teens.”

“I’ll have you know I’m already a grandma, young lady…”

Opening the lid of my plastic bottle, I took a sip of its contents. I really liked this type of milk tea that was as sweet as pure sugar. Why did we high schoolers have to be into these drinks that were so sweet and made you gain weight?

`Twas one of the seven great mysteries of mankind.

“I had fun.”

“Yeah?”

“I had fun getting to see a side of you I didn’t know, Senpai.”

“…Really.”

I became a little bashful. I had been the first one to say something embarrassing though, so I couldn’t really complain. She flashed a grin.

“Senpai, you…”

Under a sky where crimson had made way for a hue closer to ultramarine, she was peering at my face. It made my heart skip just a little.

“You’re more of an idiot than I thought.”

“Excuse you?”

“Am I wrong? Out of nowhere, you started messing around on swings and slides, and you looked like you were having fun like nobody’s business.”

“Eh…”

I thought that being able to find enjoyment in anything was one of my strengths. Then again, I was already a sophomore in high school.

“I guess that’s how you really are, Senpai. I thought you were more of an adult.”

“Uh…”

“…But I thought it was cute. Just a little.”

I looked at her with wide eyes. Hers narrowed.

“I want to know more about you, Senpai. Will you tell me?”

“Yeah. Mimi-chan, I also want to know more about y-“

Just as I was about to return her smile, a familiar figure entered my field of vision. I instinctively turned my head to see Nagisa. Her home shouldn’t be around this area, but maybe she just came over to visit the temple. As I was thinking that, I noticed one more person next to her.

A girl who was in the same class as us this year. It was already May. It wasn’t strange to have made new friends by now. But, although our surroundings had already gotten dark, I could tell well enough that they were happily talking to each other and my chest grew restless. Before, Nagisa had said that I was her closest friend. But now, she was already…

No. I wasn’t even her lover, so growing this jealous was unreasonable.

“…Senpai.”

Her hands covered my chilled fingertips. Startled, I turned towards Mimi-chan, whose face, illuminated by the dim light, was right before my eyes.

“Is it time for us to head back?”

She said so with a grin. She must have sensed that something was up with me and said that on purpose. I didn’t really know why, but I also smiled.

“Yeah we should. Since it’s gotten a little dark, I’ll walk you home.”

“…Of course.”

The two of us stood up. Even as we started walking, Mimi-chan didn’t let go of my hand. We naturally ended up walking just like before, hand-in-hand. It’s not like I had done this with Mimi-chan many times before. I wondered why, even though I wasn’t quite used to it, It made me feel so calm. It was the sensation of her warm, soft fingers that let me relax.

Little by little, I was getting to know Mimi-chan better, and thinking that we had become a tad closer than before made me feel a bit conceited.

I should be feeling good about getting closer to her. I should be, so why? Why did I find myself leaning on Mimi-chan? Even when I said that Nagisa and Mimi-chan were alike, I understood that Mimi-chan was her own person. I was happy when she had hugged me before. My heart had pounded. But that surely wasn’t because it was Mimi-chan who was holding me.

It was because I saw Nagisa in her.

I was the worst. I was the worst, but still – I still felt like I wanted to know more about Mimi-chan, to lean on her. But when my affection for Nagisa got mixed in, I just couldn’t make sense of it anymore.

“Mimi-chan.”

I called her name and her eyes turned towards me.

“What is it, Senpai?”

“I think, probably…I won’t be able to forget about Nagisa.”

I spoke while walking slowly.

“So, I’m sorry. You don’t have to hang out with me anymore.”

The part about wanting to know her better wasn’t a lie. I wanted to get along better with her, too, I think. But this careless heart of mine would mistake Mimi-chan for Nagisa the more I got involved with her. Mistake her for Nagisa, and try to cling to her. And I knew exactly how cruel that was.

“No. I won’t stay away from you, Senpai.”

I couldn’t help but feel happy. Truthfully, maybe those were the words I was hoping for all along. I was so hopeless.

“…Why?”

“Because I’m a respectable Kouhai.”

Those mysterious words were somehow what I wanted, but also not quite. But my heart was certainly delighted. Chest full of these tangled emotions, I didn’t say anything more and just continued walking alongside her. No matter how fast, if we kept walking we would reach our goal in the end. By the time it had gotten completely dark outside, we arrived at Mimi-chan’s home.

“See you…”

“Ah, wait a moment. I forgot something.”

“You did?”

I tilted my head. As I wondered what it could have been, her face suddenly came closer. Before I could understand what was happening, our heavy breaths mingled, and the next moment, lips met lips. My heart was awfully silent. Even though it had been racing when she hugged me, somehow I didn’t feel anything when our lips came together.

It must be because my heart hadn’t caught up to this situation.

“Yuika.”²

The moment she called me by my name, the blood running through my entire body came to a boil. My body got so hot it hurt, and the sound of my heartbeat became distinct. With the trigger pulled, there was no turning back, and my heart began throbbing violently.

It hurt. It was hot. But… It wasn’t… unpleasant?

“Ahaha. That’s an amazing reaction just from being called by your name. Your face is all red.”

I didn’t even have the composure to think about how embarrassing this was. I could do nothing but stare at Mimi-chan’s face and as I tried to avert my eyes, she then pressed her lips against mine even harder. Something wet and slippery parted my lips and entered my mouth. It was a bit like a lump of hot iron, a bit like a mollusc living in the cold depths of the sea, wiggling around in my mouth. As it touched my teeth, my gums, the insides of my cheeks, my body jumped with a start.

I was so out of breath that I felt dizzy.

What, why, how?

Although my mind ran in circles, it couldn’t come up with any thought to make sense of this situation.

It just felt good. While the rumbling in my chest was outright painful, my heart couldn’t help but leap.

“…Haah. You taste good, Senpai.”

“…W-why?

“You looked so pained that I couldn’t bear it, Senpai… So I thought I had no choice but to become my sister’s replacement and let you release those feelings.”

She said this as if it was completely natural. As my gaze drifted to her, I saw her wearing the same smile as usual.

“Yuika… You can think of me as Nagisa.”

She spoke while smiling. I really should refuse. I really should say that this wasn’t normal. But before I knew it, I had become unable to say anything.

I just nodded lightly.

It was almost as if I could hear something tumbling down a slope.

　　　　★

My initial impression of Nagisa was that of an earnest girl. At first, I hadn’t been particularly conscious of this classmate named Hanafusa Nagisa. Our seats hadn’t even been close and we were in different friend groups. If I remember correctly, the first time I had spoken to her was in our first year of middle school, around the time the first term was nearing its end. Because my score on the mid-term test hadn’t been that good, I was studying in the library to prepare for the end of the term.

However, I wasn’t making very good progress on my own. And when there was something I didn’t get, I didn’t have anybody I could ask. As I was having a staring contest with my workbook, she spoke to me.

“If you don’t understand that problem, do you want me to explain?”

Since we were in the library, she was asking me in a somewhat subdued voice. Turning around reflexively, light brown hair collected in a loose ponytail fluttered into my view. She had a cheerful expression and bright eyes. Her appearance, holding her textbook in front of her chest, gave off the impression of an honors student down to the core.

At that time I thought…she was scary.

“Eh. I-it’s okay. I can figure out this much by myself…”

“But you’ve been trying to solve the same problem for a while now, haven’t you?”

She was right on the mark. I could feel my shoulders stiffen.

“Were you watching me?”

“Sorry. It was because you were sitting in the spot that I usually occupy, Amemiya-san. I was a bit curious.”

My eyes grew wide.

“…Amemiya-san? Are you alright?”

“Ah, yeah. You know my name, huh.”

“Of course. I have most of the names from our class memorized. What’s more, you have this unusual air about you, Amemiya-san.”

“An unusual air…?”

This was the first time somebody had said something like that to me. I was also surprised when she said that she had memorized most of our classmates’ names. I could remember the girls’ names, more or less, but I didn’t have much contact with the boys and had no idea about their names.

Not bad, Hanafusa-san. She had this atmosphere around her that made me want to call her class rep. Maybe she had even memorized the names of all the kids in our entire school year, too, is what I thought.

“Anyway, come on. Show me the problem. I’ll explain.”

“Oh. Wait…!”

I had thought she was a serious and intimidating person, but to my surprise, she might not have been like that at all. Hanafusa-san somewhat forcibly sat down next to me. She had seemed like the class rep type to me, but I guess she turned out to be surprisingly assertive.

I would have felt bad if I continued to tell her that I didn’t need her to meddle, so instead I decided to keep quiet and let her help me study.

…I might be the type to get caught up in the moment.

“See, this part. You have to use this formula. And…”

“I see, I see…”

Come to think of it, Hanafusa-san had gotten the highest score out of the entire school year in our recent test, even receiving the praise of our homeroom teacher. Because she was that smart, obviously she was also good at explaining things.

With that, I became able to easily solve those problems I didn’t understand before. And then when the day was about to end, I was gripped by a feeling of omnipotence.

“Just maybe, I might be a genius…”

“Ah, ahahaha…you’ve got to properly review it tomorrow, ok? I’ve heard that it only takes a day to forget the things that you’ve learned.”

“Ugh…what a pain.”

“Give it your best. I can help you tomorrow, too, if you want.”

“Really? You must have your own studying to do, Hanafusa-san…”

“It’s okay. Explaining things to people helps me organize them in my head, so teaching you would actually be quite efficient.”

“Eeh…”

Was that so? The way Hanafusa-san knew all these things that I didn’t might be kind of cool. I had thought she was a bit scary just a moment ago, and now I was in such high spirits.

“Amemiya-san, you do remember my name, right?”

She said unexpectedly. I grinned broadly.

“You also have an unusual air about you, Hanafusa-san.”

Seeing me say this with my chest puffed out, she let out a giggle.

“Hehe. What’s that supposed to mean? Are you copying me?”

“…Ahaha, maybe?”

In an instant, I was captured by Hanafusa-san’s smile. Where her serious countenance when she had helped me study had been cool, her cute smile more suited her age. Who would have thought? Hanafusa-san was just a normal girl.

I had simply assumed she would be hard to approach, but that was not the case at all – Hanafusa-san was easy to get closer with. After that, she ended up tutoring me every day.

After school, the library was a secret spot just for us two. The other kids from class wouldn’t come here, so it was just the two of us quietly studying and occasionally exchanging some words. Because it was fun and somehow gave me this restless feeling in my chest, I was happy. As this life continued for a while, I came to enjoy watching her earnest expression in profile. She was beautiful when she was working hard on her studies, and the way she brushed aside her hair while teaching me made my heart flutter.

At what point exactly I had become attracted to her, I couldn’t tell. The only certain thing was that while we spent this secret time together, while I got to know her little by little, these things piled up and I had started liking her.

Before I knew it, I had completely fallen in love.

My heart would bounce when we engaged in meaningless small talk, and my chest would tighten when I spotted her back in the hallways.

“Hey, Yuika. Can I… can I hold your hand?”

“Eh? Y-yes, sure…”

“…Your hands are so soft, Yuika.”

“Ah, erm, yeah. Thanks…?”

After a certain point, Nagisa had started seeking my touch. Because I had never seen her get physically close with our classmates, I felt a simple-minded joy over this.

So much that I circled the day in my calendar, one-sidedly deciding that this was our “anniversary”.

I had mistakenly believed that Nagisa also held feelings for me that were unlike what she felt for others. No longer content with the happiness I felt when we just spent our time together, I grew selfish.

I took us holding hands for granted to the point that I would become dejected when we didn’t, and then when we did end up holding hands I would enjoy it so much that I went stupid with joy. Spending time with her like this, my feelings for her steadily grew.

“The numbers are there, right?”

“Yeah. My number is, and yours too, Yuika.”

“And that means?”

“It means we will be going to high school together, too! We did it! WE DID IT!”

“…Woah, Nagisa!?”

It was the day when the results for our high school entrance exams were announced. We went to look for our numbers together and there was no joy greater than when we found both Nagisa’s and mine.

Nagisa must also have been quite happy, seeing as she hugged me and then lifted me up just like that. It was a little bit embarrassing having her do this with other people around, but when I saw her overjoyed smile, I naturally started smiling, too.

And it was at that moment when I had my fatal misunderstanding.

Surely, Nagisa must love me too.

I mean. Nagisa wouldn’t hug her other friends or hold their hands. I had never seen her show this joyful smile to anybody else. And what’s more, when she touched me, it felt like there was such a deliberate strength to it.

After that, I started noticing things that felt to me like signs of her affection, and that’s why I got carried away and assumed it was mutual love.

I never realized that this was a misunderstanding. By the time we had become first years in high school, we were already closer than anybody, best friends among best friends. Because we ended up being in the same class, we were always together at school, and most of the time, we would hang out when school was over.

Then, shortly after we had become sophomores, I thought that it was about time and confessed to her. Although I had my share of insecurities, I was convinced she wouldn’t reject me. For believing that, I was undoubtedly an idiot.

“Nagisa, I like you! I mean that I love you in a romantic sense! So, please, go out with me!”

“I’m sorry. I can’t go out with you, Yuika. I’m really sorry.”

“Huh…?”

This was where my foolish misunderstanding was finally corrected. I still remember how an icky sweat ran down my back and my throat had gone dry. My heart grew loud in an unpleasant way and I became unable to hear my surroundings.

It felt like the vivid colors of the world had faded and I alone was left in the monochrome.

“Ah, i-is that so. E-eeh! I see! Sorry for saying something weird all of a sudden! Erm, really, don’t mind me! Let’s continue to be friends!”

“…Yeah.”

That was how my first love ended.

This misunderstanding had taken a great toll and henceforth, I became reluctant to trust my own perception. As an incorrigibly mistaken woman, I surely couldn’t understand other people’s feelings. I couldn’t help but think that way.

One might say that being rejected by your first love wasn’t such a big deal. But as far as I was concerned, it was no different from the end of the world. I had really thought that.

In truth, I knew that was really absurd.

　　　　★

“Yuika.”

I could hear a voice calling out to me. A soft, warm voice like a gentle tickle. I shut my eyes tightly.

“Open your eyes for me? I’d like to see your cute eyes, Yuika.”³

It was Nagisa’s voice. Following the invitation, I opened my eyes to be greeted by my reflection in her brown eyes. The color was a bit off, perhaps because it appeared differently in the light of the setting sun. But as they came closer, none of that mattered. As her hot breath touched my lips, her gaze was overcast by a faint shadow. Long eyelashes fluttered at the edge of my vision.

“Yeah, just like I thought…you’re as cute as ever, Yuika.”

Cute. I had heard those words from her many times by now. No matter how many times I heard them, my heart still fluttered, I became genuinely happy, and with each repetition my feelings of love grew. It made me wonder just how simple my heart was. The reason it was moved so easily were these feelings of love.

I couldn’t deny it. I couldn’t resist it.

…I was in love.

And because I loved her. I wanted more of her praise, I wanted her to think I’m cute. For that, no effort was too painful.

Even though there was no pain in the first place.

“I think that chapstick suits you quite well, Yuika. Wow. It makes me want to kiss you.”

“…Na…gisa.”

“Yes. It’s me, Nagisa. Would you say my name some more? I like it when you call my name, Yuika.”

“Nagisa. Nagisa. …Nagisa.”

Bringing my hands to her back, I tightly grabbed onto her uniform. Beyond the texture of the thick blazer, I could feel her.

It hurt. It was so difficult …But.

“Yuika. Yuika, I love you.”

Both my head and my heart were filled with so much emotion that it felt like they would explode. My body flared up with heat, but the part of me that was still composed whispered of how stupid this was.

And still, in spite of this, after all that happened, I was so happy that I just couldn’t help it. My chest hurt as if my heart was being squeezed tightly.

But this pain and this infatuation were two sides of the same coin.

I loved her. Loved her, loved her, loved her. Just these two syllables completely filled my head.

“Open your mouth for me?”

“Wai-…”

“Don’t worry. Nobody else is around anymore…don’t you want to kiss me, Yuika?”

“I-I want to…”

“Hehe, I knew it. I also want to kiss you, Yuika.”

She placed her hand on my hips and proceeded to run her tongue over my lips. I was being played with, with motions that were like those of a pampered pet puppy, but also alluring in a certain way. Letting her breath out with a haaah, she drowned out the sounds of my heart.

Bump, bump, bump.

Urged on by this throbbing that threatened to rip me apart from the inside, I softly opened my mouth. Aiming for the moment when I exhaled, she thrust her tongue in. As I was about to reflexively lean back, her gentle hands stopped me.

“Your tongue is so tiny, Yuika.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That it’s cute. That I Iove everything about you, Yuika.”

“…Ye-yeah.”

A light sound, mwah, could be heard.

But in the very next moment, a deeper and longer slurping sound filled my ears. The sound had a sticky quality. It aroused me to no end, drowned me. Deeply, so deeply. As if I had sunken to the bottom of the sea, I became unable to hear any other sound. It was like playing music with her, and even after dozens of times our harmony made my brain tremble. And while my mind was shaken, my heart sank into the water. I had already become unable to see or hear anything.

“Love. I love you. I love you, love you. Nagisa, I love you.”

“I love you too, Yuika.”

It was a sweet dream.

But no matter how much it would have served me, it was a dream that could not be fulfilled. I didn’t have to wake up though, I thought to myself. If I could spend this blissful time with my beloved, I might not mind being caught in this dream for my entire life.

By picking up the fragments of my shattered love and collecting them back together, I could keep watching this sweet delusion. If I could have forgotten all about this thing called reality, I would have been totally happy.

“Ha…ha, mwah…”

As I was running out of air, I tried to somehow breathe through my nose. As I did so, I naturally inhaled her fragrance. It was a sweet smell. Different from Nagisa’s, an inviting note. That was it. That fragrance.

“…Mimi-chan.”

I gave her back a light tap. With a soft smile, Mimi-chan withdrew from my lips. The way she ran her tongue over her lips was definitely not a gesture I would see from Nagisa. But I couldn’t peel my eyes from it.

“Did you have a nice dream, Senpai?”⁴

I began hearing the sounds of that reality that had grown distant more clearly once again. The voices of the student’s in sports clubs. The sound of instruments. I could feel the silence that had filled my saccharine dream gradually fading away.

“…It’s like I thought. This isn’t right.”

“Not right? Why wouldn’t it be?”

She tilted her head. Her red necktie swayed.

“It’s strange for us to kiss like this when we don’t even love each other, and it’s weird for you to become Nagisa’s replacement.

“Is that so?

…But, Senpai, you-“

With an innocent expression, Mimi-chan hugged me. Her graceful hands stroked my back.

“Didn’t you enjoy it too, Senpai?”

“…Ngh.”

“What’s wrong about being weird?” Are we not allowed to do things that aren’t right?

…Because I think we are.”

She whispered to me.

This was something that you wouldn’t normally do with your crush’s little sister, that you shouldn’t be doing. There’s no way you could say that this was right, but Mimi-chan was calmly reaffirming what should be a no-go. That was why I ended up wondering if this was alright, even just a little.

I was a weak person.

“…By any chance, are you worried about me?”

“Of course I am. For us to kiss like this…”

“You see, Senpai, unlike you, I’ve had kisses like this one thousand, no, ten thousand times already.”

“Eh.”

“That’s how it is. By now I don’t really feel anything from kissing you, Senpai, and I don’t dislike it. So please worry only about yourself, Senpai.”

Ten thousand times. How many times a day would you have to kiss somebody to get to that number, I wondered. I, on the other hand, had kissed like this only twice. Compared to me, whose chest felt like it would burst open from just those two kisses, Mimi-chan was so calm and collected. Being this used to kissing was quite something. I wondered if I would become like that eventually.

“And look. This is thanks for when you were considerate of me the other day. Once you recover from your broken heart, both you and I will be happy. Isn’t that a win-win situation?”

“…Is it really?”

Coward that I was, I tended to confirm people’s feelings to a fault. Not by their demeanour, but by their words. I wanted them to clearly convey their will so that I could understand. That’s how my thinking turned out.

“Yes. So you can go ahead and tell me about all the things you wanted to do with my sister, Senpai. Okay?”

“O-okay.”

For me to do these things with a Kouhai, with my friend’s little sister – I must have been crazy.

That’s what I thought, but I was still happy. Mimi-chan would do anything for me, including the things I wanted to do with Nagisa, and I didn’t have to hold back. Even while knowing I was the absolute worst, I could replace Nagisa with Mimi-chan and kiss her.

…It felt good.

I had a heart that wanted to know more about Mimi-chan, and a heart that wanted to kiss her more. Both of these hearts were definitely mine, my undisguised desires. Both of these wishes were intertwined, and they couldn’t be easily unraveled.

I realized that I was smiling. It was a different smile from when I was talking to my friends, or from those times I was with Nagisa. I think it was a twisted smile that I definitely wouldn’t show to anybody but Mimi-chan.

My own ugliness, and the feelings of love for Nagisa that I couldn’t let go of. I was strongly aware of both, tumbling down as I voiced my wish.

“I want to go on a date.”

“A date?”

“Going to the places I want to go, having fun together… I want an ordinary date just like that.”

It was a terribly childish wish. She smiled.

“Got it. Let’s do it on our next day off, then.”

“…Yeah.”

I was letting myself get spoiled by Mimi-chan’s kindness. But to my pathetic self, it was all the same. I was happy that she would become Nagisa for me.

　　　　★

It was probably a bad idea to mold yourself to the tastes of somebody you loved because you wanted them to praise you. I liked cute clothes. I felt that more than a polished beauty or prettiness, cuteness was the most important. But Nagisa seemed to prefer me when I looked pretty. Her reactions were better when I put on pretty clothes than when I dressed cutely,and before I knew it I started wearing the pretty ones more. Even now, the larger part of my closet was filled with clothes that matched her tastes. I should probably have thrown them out already, but not being able to do that was just like me, I guess.

“Thanks for waiting… Nagisa.”

“Ah, Yuika. Morning.”

“Good morning.”

Today, I was meeting her at the station. Her brown eyes matched her brown hair. With her hair in a loose ponytail like usual, from the way she stood to the way she waved her hand, everything about her was just like Nagisa. She even went as far to buy brown contact lenses, huh.

No. That’s not what I should be thinking about now.

“Your outfit’s cute.”

She just said it.

Today, I had worn the clothes that I liked. Not dressed in anything like the style Nagisa liked, I was just wearing things that I wanted to wear. And I had matched both my makeup and my hairdo to these clothes. That’s why I was worried.

Worried about what Nagisa would say.

“Yeah, it looks good on you. Cute clothes really suit you best, Yuika. I think they’re nice.”

“…Really?”

“Really. I like the way you’re dressed.”

My heart was making an uproar. It was getting noisy. I was so happy, my lips were about to start trembling. Being complimented for the things I liked for myself made me so happy that it hurt. But I also understood that she had said it precisely because I wanted her to say it.

“Let’s go, then… Come on, give me your hand.”

“…Yeah.”

I grasped the hand she held out tightly. The touch of Nagisa’s hand, and that of Mimi-chan’s, they really were different. But because her acting was fairly close to the real deal, my heart leapt from being praised even just a little bit with that voice. Closing my eyes to the parts that were off, my insides were filled with nothing but joy. That was terribly comical in its own way.

“Where are we going today?”

She asked, and I did my best to produce a smile.

“Uhm, about that…it’s a collaboration cafe. Is that okay?”

“It sure is. Wherever you want, Yuika. I think if you like something, I would probably enjoy it too.

“Ahaha, thanks.”

My heart ached.

But I was happy.

Having these completely opposed feelings stirring in my chest, it felt like my heart was about to stop. I walked through the city while holding her hand. Because we had come pretty far from the town we lived in today, I wasn’t worried that we would be spotted by any acquaintances while doing this.

…Including the actual Nagisa.

I let out a small sigh. I should stop. I decided to enjoy myself for today. Because otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to let go of this love no matter how much time passed. Continuing like that, I headed to the cafe together with her.

“C-cuuute…!”

When I saw the dish brought before us, I couldn’t hold myself. The collaboration cafe for the aforementioned penguin character was overflowing with countless cute menu items. Not only that, the interior of the shop felt like a different world. They had plenty of photo spots in front of the cafe and I had ended up taking lots of photos without thinking. She beamed at me with no signs of being fed up.

“It’s almost too precious to be eaten…”

“Surely you have to eat it? It’s food, after all.”

“I-I know that! Let me take it in just a little more…”

The pancake that was shaped like the face of the character was so cute that I felt bad putting my knife to it. I wanted to take photos and look at it for a while, but seeing that the ice cream that came with it was about to melt, she stuck her knife in.

“Aah!”

She was too merciless. I raised my voice without thinking.

“It’s already over. They went ahead and made this for us, so we should eat it while it’s still warm. Here, say Aah.“

“…Aah.”

I closed my mouth around the fork she had extended towards me. It was sweet, like a pancake should be. But it certainly felt much sweeter to me than any regular pancake. She was watching me with a smile as I chewed. Before I knew it, I had swallowed it with a gulp.

“Instead of watching me, you should eat your omurice. Won’t it get cold?”

“I guess you’re right… Well, aah.”

“Eh.”

She had opened her mouth slightly. I was getting a bit embarrassed. But because I could sense that she wouldn’t move until I had fed her, I scooped up one bite’s worth of omurice and brought it to her mouth. Her small mouth moved slightly. No doubt, I could see myself wanting to watch this more. It was somehow adorable and I could feel my heart flutter.

“Is it good?”

“Yep. Shops like this one are surprisingly high quality, huh.”

“True. It’s my first time coming here, too, and it’s totally amazing!”

This conversation was not unlike the ones we would always have. I had forgotten about this recently, but talking like we used to was quite pleasant.

By now, even trying to count the number of times I had gone out together with Nagisa seemed ridiculous. It didn’t seem like this thing between us, that had been formed over a long time, could disappear in just a single month. As I kept shoveling pancake into my mouth, I fixed my eyes on her.

“What’s up? You’re staring at me.”

“Ah, no. It’s nothing, nothing, really…”

I liked these times I spent with Nagisa. I was happy to just have meaningless small talk, and it pained me when the time to go back home drew closer. If I hadn’t confessed to her I might be spending my time with her like this right now just like we always had.

I wondered which was better: hiding my feelings under the mask of friendship, or suffering through rejection?

“…N-Nagisa. Do you like sweets?”

The words I squeezed out sounded terribly hoarse.

“Hmm. They’re fine, I guess? But I like seeing how happy you look when you eat sweets, Yuika.”

“I see…and what about you, Mimi-chan?”

“Huh?”

“Mimi-chan, do you like sweets?”

“I wonder? I don’t really know Mimi’s tastes that well.”

I kept my gaze fixed on her. For a moment, she kept eating her food without showing anything on her face, but then she let out a small sigh and met my eyes.

“…She’s probably just fine with them. If you offered her some sweets, she would eat them, but I don’t think she would go and find some on her own.”

“…So that’s how it is.”

She had chosen the Almond Choco before, but it might not have been that she particularly liked it… Well then.

“So, what kinds of things does Mimi-chan like? I mean not just food, but also hobbies and such…”

“Don’t ask things like that.

…We’re on a date here, you must have something more interesting to talk about.”

So talking about Mimi-chan might not have been an interesting topic to Nagisa.

“What about where we’re going next after this? Did you already make plans?”

“…Yeah. I was thinking we could go see a movie or something.”

“Ooh. What movie?”

“That romance movie that’s been popular recently. It’s an original work, but it’s got good reviews.”

She listened to me talk as if she was enjoying it. That gentle expression was exactly like the Nagisa I knew. While looking at her face, it felt like my interest in knowing more about Mimi-chan was fading bit by bit. I just wanted to talk about banal stuff while watching her every move.

Those were the feelings that occupied my heart.

After that, we continued our small talk in the cafe before heading towards the movie theater. It wasn’t like I particularly enjoyed watching romance movies.

I just wanted to watch a movie like that with Nagisa, get into a good mood, and talk about what we thought afterward. Doing trite things like that was all I wanted.

After we entered the cinema, I picked up the tickets I had bought in advance. When we took our seats, there were still many people coming in behind us. This was probably because we came on a day off, but I was still surprised at how popular the place was.

“That moment before the movie starts is always so thrilling, right? Like any moment now, it’s about to start.”

“Ahaha, true. Once the lights are off, it gets really exciting.”

“I get that. Movies are kind of like an attraction at a theme park, in that sense.”

But, I had never chosen a romance movie before, not even once. For reasons.

“Looks like it’s about to start.”

“…Yep.”

The atmosphere changed a little in the movie theater when the lights went out. After they played a number of commercials, the actual movie began playing. It had been advertised as a heart-wrenching love story, and the contents of the movie were a bit painful indeed. Even though my circumstances were nothing like that, the emotions got to me and I ended up seeing myself on the screen. You could say I was drawn in by it too much.

“Why is it that the two of us met? Why?”

The images pouring out from the screen seemed somewhat distant. I carefully watched her profile from the side. Illuminated by the brightness of the screen, her face looked a bit different from the usual.

I wanted to touch those eyes as they filled with an unreadable emotion. Should she show just the slightest sign of discomfort, I would have to let go right away. Opposing this thought, my instincts shouted that I wanted to hold on forever.

Her hand moved to interlock our fingers. Her touch was warm to the point of surprise.

“…Ah.”

I involuntarily let out my voice. This sensation was vivid, it was pleasant, and most of all, it made me happy. Simply by internalizing what she had just done, my pulse quickened. My heart grew content.

“Mi-…

Na-…”

For all the bliss, I lost track of which name I was supposed to call. Who did I imagine to be holding my hand right now? Who of the two would make me happier? Dispelling none of my doubts, the pleasant feeling of being touched by itself remained in my heart.

In the end, I couldn’t really focus on the movie and watched the girl sitting next to me instead. Although I was unable to get any closer to those emotions that were reflected in her eyes.

“The movie turned out quite interesting. The final development was a bit surprising.”

“True. But I’m glad they had a happy end.”

“Yeah. Stories need to have a satisfying conclusion, after all.”

The movie had ended, and the two of us were walking again. Our hands that were connected until just a moment ago had already separated. As soon as I saw her in the light outside, I realized she was the same as always. She looked exactly like Nagisa, but she wasn’t her. And yet, here I was.

“This was my first time watching a romance film with you, Nagisa.”

“Really, is that so?”

She tilted her neck. I tightly hugged my tote bag.

“Truthfully, I’ve always wanted to watch one together with you. I was always, always curious what kind of face you would make, Nagisa…”

“You should just have invited me then. It’s not like I would have refused, you know?”

“Well, that…”

We stopped. It was so quiet near the edge of the hall that even the lowest voice would reach my companion, no doubt. That’s what made it scary, though.

“I didn’t want you to think I was creepy.”

“…Creepy?”

“Because I was in love with you, Nagisa. I thought if you found out, you would think it was creepy. Because I felt like that, I was afraid.”

“You saw me as the kind of person who would think you’re a creep?”

“No! It’s not like that. But, it’s just that…”

I understood that. I understood her enough to know that Nagisa wasn’t the kind of girl who would judge me like that.

In truth, when I had confessed to her she definitely hadn’t made a face like she was put off.

“But that feeling of what if, I couldn’t shake it. I was too scared and ended up believing it like an idiot…”

I couldn’t put it into words. Day after day, I was trying to confirm whether Nagisa felt the same as I. But I would get frightened at the weirdest times. I became unable to do the most trivial things and would get overexcited in the best, and the worst ways. Simply trying to touch her, trying to make banal conversation. Getting worried about all kinds of things, losing who I was supposed to be. The moment I felt a little bit of affection, I would change the words I was about to say, trying to put on a forced smile.

Because I was scared, both the feelings of pain and of joy wouldn’t leave. Falling in love with somebody was far from being just fun.

“But I like you. I love you. I’m in love with you. With you, Nagisa, really. All this time…”

Today’s date had been fun. It really felt like I was with Nagisa. I was undeniably, helplessly in love with Nagisa, and in spite of all the pain, I was so happy that I could cry.

“I’m happy you feel that way, Yuika.”

Her hand stroked my hair. As I looked up, our eyes met. The gaze she fixed on me was terribly gentle.

It hurt. My heart throbbed with pain, with excitement, with joy. I wondered how I could properly get rid of this love. Even though Yuzuha had explained to me how to cope with a broken heart, it was no good. I was selfish. Like a child throwing a tantrum because it didn’t get the toy it wanted, I would remain in that place forever. I wanted to get over that unfulfilled love, but I couldn’t. And that’s why I was beyond helping.

“…Hey. Can I kiss you?”

“Eh… Why?”

“Because you’re cute, Yuika. Don’t you want to?”

“I don’t.”

She touched my ear. My body reacted with a start and heat rose to my face. As if tracing its contours, she followed its outline down to my earlobe. The warm sensation felt incredible. So much that I wanted her to go on forever. I was so hopeless.

“…don’t want you to stop.”

“Hehe, is that so. Close your eyes for me?”

“Yeah…”

When I closed my eyes, she placed her hand on my chin. It felt like the moment of tension when they disinfected you before an injection. But my heart leapt with a sensation much sweeter than that. Softly, her lips touched mine. And not just once, but so many times. Letting the sounds of our kisses resound, moving as if to push our lips into one another’s, or just sucking on my lower lip. Between these kisses, almost as if we were making up for times we’d missed, my heart was melting.

I loved her. I loved her so much.

More. I wanted more.

But that feeling didn’t seem to reach her and with a long breath, I could feel her face separating from mine. I quietly opened my eyes.

“You’re making quite the face. By any chance, did you want to go on?”

She was flashing me a bright smile. I didn’t really understand the timing for ending a kiss, but it seemed like she totally did. I wondered if I would get it too once I had kissed ten thousand times.

“Hehe. Want to continue at home, then?”

“Continue?”

“Continue with kissing. Or should I say, what comes after kissing?

…If you’re ok with it being me?”

“…I-I am.”

Until very recently, I hadn’t even kissed. And I hadn’t really thought about what came after that.

It kept tumbling down.

Even though I knew I was in the wrong. Even when it wasn’t completely upright, I should be living an ordinary life, and now, before I knew it, I was about to do something that was far from normal.

I was drowning in this feeling named love.

“I see, I see. Whose place are we going to? I think my parents might not be in today.”

“Let’s go to my place…”

What if we bumped into the real deal? And in her own house? There were many good reasons for my choice. But that wasn’t why I said it. I’d subconsciously picked my own home. That might just have been to fulfill a foolish desire. She narrowed her eyes.

“Got it. Let’s go, then.”

She gently took my hands. Unlike when our date had started, she’d shifted to holding my hand so that our fingers intertwined. Just this one change with how she held my hand made me happy, and I tightened my grip on hers in response. The feeling of being gently pulled along by her was so pleasant that it made my pulse quicken.

“…Your room is as nice as I expected, Yuika.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. It’s kept nice and tidy and it feels like even the furniture is arranged properly.”

So far I had never invited Nagisa to my room. It’s true that I was worried she would think it was weird, but the opportunity had also just not come up. We’d always do the study groups at Nagisa’s place, and in general it was usually Nagisa who invited me over. That had been one more thing that led to my misunderstanding.

“You can sit over there. I’m going to bring something to drink. Coffee or tea, which would you li-“

“Does that really matter now?”

I could hear the sound of the key being turned with a click. My arm was being yanked, and when I tried to keep my feet steady for a moment, next she pushed me down by the chest. The strength I had just put into staying in place turned into backwards momentum, and I fell down onto my bed. The feeling as I fell on my back was completely different from when I threw myself onto my bed exhaustedly.

Looking up, the lights were somehow brighter than usual, so that it didn’t quite feel like my own room. While I absentmindedly looked at the ceiling, she deftly closed the curtains and picked up the room’s remote control. Then, she climbed on top of my stomach.

She must have been used to doing things like this. Just from that thought my heart began acting up, it made me uncomfortable in a way that was hard to describe.

“Let’s skip the boring bits… Want me to turn off the lights? Leave them on?”

“…Turn them off.”

“Okay. Here, done.”

With a faint beep, the lights went off. Because it was still dusk out, crimson light was seeping in through a crack in the curtains. Still, it was fairly dark with the lights in the room turned off. The little bit that my eyes could see was taken up by a faint image of her clothes. In this dim light, I couldn’t make out the color of her hair or eyes anymore. But she was there, that’s the only thing I was sure of. Even the sound of my own breathing felt distant.

“I want you to hold my hands…”

As I spoke in a low voice, I thought I saw her smile in the darkness. That might have been a little childish.

“Okay.”

I felt her touching me gently. Having my right and left hand held, I relaxed just a little bit. It was me who asked to turn off the lights, but not seeing her face made me a little uneasy. Then again, if I could see her face, that would be tough in its own way. I was being so selfish that it ended up shocking myself.

“Now then, can I touch you?”

Her fingertips brushed against my chest. That alone gave my body an exaggerated start, but it was definitely not unpleasant. I was getting excited. My heart was throbbing so violently that it felt like it was about to break out. Alongside a long moan from the back of my throat, it felt like the entirety of my insides was about to come out.

“Ahaha, what a reaction…if you don’t like it, tell me right away, okay?”

Having said that, she busied her hands with my clothes.

I wondered why. I was so excited. Being touched made me so happy. But right in my chest, it felt like a large gaping hole was opening up. I had wanted to do this with Nagisa for the longest time. I would have been happy with just talking and holding hands. But being touched like this, in a place where I wouldn’t let anybody else touch me, this act to confirm each other’s feelings is what I desired more than anything – I thought.

It felt like an unfathomable dark was spreading out in front of my eyes.

“You put on some cute underwear, hm?”

“…You can see?”

“Just a little.”

“Just a little, huh.”

“I can just about make it out. You’re wearing something cute, Yuika… Wanna see mine, too?”

Even though all kinds of thoughts were incessantly surfacing in my mind, that didn’t mean time had stopped. Unable to either nod or shake my head, I pressed my head deep into the pillow. With a small sigh, I made the air tremble.

“Okay. Then I’ll undress too. Having just one of us do it would ruin the mood.”

Her hands moved.

My heart jumped.

It would be a lie if I claimed that I didn’t want to see her body. Whenever we were changing for PE class, I had tried to the best of my ability to not look, out of a sense of guilt. I remembered how I got excited when I caught just a glimpse of those pale shoulders at the edge of my vision.

I held my breath as I watched her undress. Surely, if she kept undressing like this – I felt that there would be no going back for me. But even if I kept falling down into the depths, that might be good in its own way. Better at least than living on without ever letting go of these feelings.

Just as I had that thought, the smartphone I left on the table buzzed. Unconsciously directing my eyes to its faint glow that was lighting up the room, I saw “Nagisa” displayed on the phone. The content of the message appeared to be just the everyday talk we used to have. Inside my heart, something burst open.

This really wasn’t okay. Returning for the shortest moment, my reason stopped me. Before I knew it, I had grabbed her hand.

“Yuika?”

“I can’t do this after all.”

“…Why?”

“Because Nagisa is Nagisa and you’re you, Mimi-chan.”

“…Still. I, the person who is here right now, am Nagisa. And I love you, Yuika.”

“…Yes. I know that. I really do. But still, I’m sorry.”

As I said that, she let out a little sigh. Then she took the remote in her hand. With the same soft sound as before, the light went back on in the room. The brightness enveloped us and the saccharine atmosphere dispersed. With a disappointed face, she got off me. I slowly got up.

“…Why do you have to come back to your senses after coming this far? We should’ve gone all the way now, don’t you think. If you had let it all out, you might’ve been able to forget all about my big sister.”⁵

“…I can’t forget her.”

My voice came out so clearly that it surprised myself. Her eyes… Mimi-chan’s eyes grew wide.

“Whether we kiss, or go on a date…even when we go beyond that. I can’t forget her after all. No matter what, she keeps haunting my mind. When the slightest things remind me of Nagisa, my feelings for her spill out and it hurts.”

Mimi-chan stared at me as I gasped out these words.

“What about my sister was it that made you love her that much?”

“How she’s earnest. How she’s cool. How she’s always focused on her goals. How she’s kind to everyone. How her smile is so cute. How she’s a little bit shy when taking my hand… All of it, I loved it all. I still love it. I love it so much. So much that I can’t help it.”

I liked Nagisa so much that I felt happy when Mimi-chan had offered to become her stand-in, so much that I wanted to do all kinds of things with her, so much that it hurt. But no matter how much Mimi-chan insisted that it was okay, if I thrust all the things I couldn’t do with the real deal on her, that would be ugly and wrong. Even though it was me who had said that I wanted to go on a date, I still knew that.

And here I had believed that love was a softer, warmer, more pleasant feeling. But the reality was different – it was oppressive, painful, filthy, and hopeless.

“I’m sorry, Mimi-chan. I’m so sorry…”

“It’s alright.”

Her head hit my shoulder. It was almost as if she was giving me a headbutt, although it didn’t hurt much.

“It was my mistake to think that your feelings for my sister would disappear if you let them out… But that’s not how it works. You love my sister so much that you look like you’re about to cry, Senpai.”

“Yes. I love her. I love her so much that I don’t even know myself anymore.”

“…So that’s how it is.”

Without saying anything else, she stroked my back. I wondered why she was being so kind to me. Little by little, I could feel my chest tighten. Before I could process it, something warm ran down my cheeks.

“You know what? I really thought that Nagisa loved me, too.”

“…Yeah.”

“Really! She was smiling at me so much, and our eyes would meet so often, and she even said I was her closest friend! She would even take my hand all the time…!”

Such were the ramblings of this mistaken woman. Neither her going out with me or her falling for me could be that simple. I knew that. I knew that, but nonetheless.

“I’m an idiot. It’s so embarrassing. I’m so gross. The truth was that she wasn’t really in love with me. I got overexcited all by myself and confessed to her.”

“…Senpai.”

“I get it. When somebody you’re not in love with looks at you in that way, that has to be off-putting. But I want to touch her. I want to kiss her. If I see just a bit of her body, that makes me happy. You know. It’s just that…”

While these words came flowing out alongside my tears, Mimi-chan kept listening. I always thought it was a good thing to put my feelings into words, but ever since my confession failed, it became frightening.

The thought that my feelings, emotions, when given shape would not be accepted, that they would disappear like mere sounds, never remaining in anybody’s heart – it felt like everything until now would pop and disappear like bubbles. It was so scary and painful that I wanted to keep my mouth shut forever.

“I love her after all. I had to fall in love with her. I can’t keep it in. How could I stop being in love with her? What will I do about wanting us to touch each other, wanting to tell each other that we are in love…”

I wanted her to laugh at me. For me to get this wrong and be so stupidly useless, I really was an awful woman. But even so, Mimi-chan was willing to gently hold my head. As she continued to comb my hair with her fingers, it seemed like I could melt into that gentleness.

As I was right now, I didn’t know how to stop these tears. Even the makeup I had tried so hard on had gone to nothing. Surely this was how my face should look in the first place. Ugly in the worst possible way.

“I’m sorry. I must have forced this onto you, Senpai.”

“You’re wrong. That’s not it. None of this is your fault, Mimi-chan.”

“But it is my fault. To think that I could become my sister’s replacement and make my Senpai forget about her feelings was so naive… Sorry for making you go along with something so weird.”

“No. It’s on me, too. I’m sorry for playing along so half-heartedly.”

“…Senpai, please stop apologizing. I hate to make you feel so guilty over this. The Senpai I know smiles so much more.”

“…Yeah.”

How had I interacted with Mimi-chan before I got rejected by Nagisa, I wondered? It seemed like I would have to try hard if I even wanted to remember. I raised my head and showed her a smile. Mimi-chan looked at me with a terribly concerned expression.

“It’s okay for now. You don’t have to force yourself to smile. But if someday you’re able to smile naturally again, please do smile for me.”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“…No problem.”

Mimi-chan was stroking my head. Our positions had flipped from how they usually were, and it was a first for me to bawl this hard just like a child and have somebody pat my head. This hadn’t even happened with Yuzuha, even though I had told her about wrongly assuming that Nagisa liked me, too, and how she had turned down my confession.

But pouring out my innermost feelings that had amassed in my heart, that had been a first for me. On the one hand, it was embarrassing, but there was also a certain sense of relief. I had run out of things to say and so I just kept pressing my head into her chest for the time being.

She always acted like her age, but I thought it was amazing how she behaved so grown up right now. Be it now or in the past, I had always been more childish.

“So what if you’re being gross?”

“Eh?”

“I don’t think there’s a pretty way to fall for somebody. Even if there was, there would probably be somebody who still thinks it’s gross. If those are your feelings, then please don’t deny them.”

“Ah…”

Her gentle voice filled my head. Certainly, she might be right. Rejecting your own feelings was painful. So far, I had never outright denied myself, no matter how dejected I was. But this time, I couldn’t do anything but that. No matter how painful or meaningless it was.

“Senpai, please stay as you are.”

As I was. Myself. How I used to be. I wondered what that was like. It seemed like it would take time to remember, but I would get there eventually. There would come a day where I had overcome my love for Nagisa and could smile innocently again.

After staying like that for a while, we naturally separated a little. When I opened the curtains again, the setting sun was blinding. I carefully sat down next to her on the bed. It made a squeaking sound.

“Thanks for today. It was fun.”

“I see. Well, same for me, I guess.”

“Ah. The way you said that, were you forcing yourself after all? Was the cafe not okay? Or was it the movie?”

“If I had to say, the movie. Wasn’t it a bit lame?”

“Ahaha, I guess you’re right. I thought it was pretty interesting, though.”

“But you don’t really like romance movies, do you, Senpai?”

“Eh. Why?”

“Well, the face you made when we went to that cafe was totally different.”

I wondered when exactly she had been looking at my face. I had been staring at her for quite a bit, but I didn’t think that she was also looking at me. It made me a little embarrassed.

“…Is that so? It’s true. If you asked me to pick, then I guess I prefer cute movies.”

“What do you mean, cute movies?”

“They recently aired a movie with that mascot character. It was cute and funny and absolutely the best!”

“I see. Then I’ll try watching it when it’s available to stream somewhere.”

“So you like watching stuff online, Mimi-chan. You’re really with the times.”

“What’s that about? Senpai, we’re only one year apart.”

“Ahaha, I guess. But I’m all for videotapes.”

“Isn’t that word kinda dated?”

“…Hmph. It might be because of my dad. He calls DVDs and Blu-rays videotapes all the same, after all.”

For a moment, our conversation came to a halt. Mimi-chan was quietly staring at me. Thinking back, she had told me that she never went to the park that much either. That must mean that her family wasn’t getting along that well. Saying sorry would have felt weird, so I just rested my head on her shoulder.

“What are your parents like, Senpai?”

She asked quietly. After fretting for a bit, I spoke softly.

“They’re kind people. They properly tell me that’s bad if I do something wrong, and when I’m feeling down they bring me somewhere to take my mind off of it. They doted on me a lot… No. It’s a bit embarrassing, but they’re still doing it even now.”

“…Hehe.”

I wondered why she laughed as if that was funny. I tilted my head.

“Mimi-chan?”

“Ah, it’s nothing. I just thought that it fits your image well, Senpai.”

“My image?”

“She must have been brought up with love, that kind of image. I think that’s great. It’s one of your charms.”

The way she said that so straightforwardly made me feel a little embarrassed. As always, Mimi-chan was saying some pretty incredible things with a calm face. Recently, her words kept throwing my heart into turmoil.

“That might be so… If you put it like that, that actually makes me a bit happy.”

I smiled naturally. Although I got the feeling that I had just said all kinds of embarrassing things, because Mimi-chan had caught me, I was able to smile without thinking about it. In the end, what she really wanted might have been to know all about me. About my feelings for Nagisa, my unvoiced insecurities and all that.

It wasn’t like all my anxiety had dispersed, though. Still, my chest felt a little bit warm. When I realized that the feelings Nagisa held for me were just an illusion, I began to doubt other peoples’ affection. But even if I couldn’t go back to how I was before, I thought it would be great if I could come to believe them again, little by little.

“If there’s anything weighing on your mind, you tell me too, Mimi-chan. I’ll always be there to help you.”

“I know. When that happens, I’ll count on you.”

She quietly stood up as she said so.

“It’s about time I returned home.”

“I see. I had fun today… going out with you, Mimi-chan.”

“…In the end, I guess I can only be myself.”

“…Yeah.”

She let out a little sigh. Nagisa and Mimi-chan were a little different after all. Although they resembled each other like twins, I didn’t think one could replace the other. But in truth, that was surely for the best. She shouldn’t need to become anybody’s replacement in the first place.

Though one could say that I was the last person to point that out, after I had tried to turn Mimi-chan into Nagisa’s replacement.

“I see how it is… Well then, let’s end with this.”

Already facing the door, she spun around to face me. Closing the distance between us, she grabbed my hands tightly. Her eyes were staring at me so gently, it made my heart skip a beat. Even though, in this moment, I was definitely looking into Mimi-chan’s eyes. I wasn’t thinking of her as Nagisa anymore, but still my heart started to race.

Even though I wasn’t.

While I was waiting for her words, those lips unexpectedly touched my earlobes.

“That bra. It suits you well, Senpai… It’s cute.”

She murmured. From those whispered words, my ears grew hot. Now that I thought about it, I was still as undressed as I had been before. I quickly hid my body with my shirt.

“Ahaha, it’s a bit late to get bashful now. It was exposed aaall along.”

“Y-you should have said something! I talked about all those things half-naked like this. I must have looked like a complete idiot!”

“I don’t think there’s anything bad about it though? It was cute, if anything. Anyway, it’s your fault for not noticing, Senpai. You’re a bit slow on the uptake.”

“Wha…!”

My whole face had turned red by now. Mimi-chan, who had been gentle until just a moment ago, now flashed me a mischievous smile. Just like a little devil, or something. It made me feel awkward and I averted my gaze. Yeah, I was a bit late to notice. But even if I was late to react, what’s embarrassing was embarrassing. I didn’t get that many opportunities to show people my underwear.

“Well then, see you next time. I also had fun today… enjoying the things you like together with you, Senpai.”

With just these words, she quickly exited the room. Left behind, I let out a small sigh.

“…How unfair.”

If she was going to say something like that, then there was nothing for me to retort. I was happy that she had enjoyed herself. I put my clothes back on as I thought about it. That’s when I remembered how she had said cute to me earlier. That bra, it’s cute. I wondered what exactly she had meant by that.

The truth was, I had bought and worn it because I also thought it was cute. I was happy to be complimented for it. Being complimented for something, I also liked felt like I myself received that affirmation,and my chest slowly grew warm.

These words would remain in my heart so much longer than anything nasty, and I would end up remembering them in random moments. Mimi-chan really was being unfair. Amidst this whirlwind of emotions, I found my feelings for her. And they were definitely not unpleasant ones, but quite the opposite.

“…Ugh.”

Mimi-chan was more amazing than I had thought. But just maybe I wasn’t in a position to talk about people either.

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1. https://www.meiji.com/global/food/chocolate/almond-chocolate.html a product like this. ↩︎
2. So far, Mimi was referring to Yuika as Senpai, which acknowledges their difference in age and is very much in line with her polite speech. For Japanese sensibilities, switching to the first name unprompted is quite bold. In other words, Mimi is not crossing one, but two boundaries of intimacy here. ↩︎
3. Unlike Mimi, “Nagisa” talks to Yuika in plain Japanese, not in the polite Keigo. ↩︎
4. From here on, Mimi’s style of speech switches back and forth between talking as “herself”, or talking the way “Nagisa” talks to Yuika. ↩︎
5. Here, Mimi switches back to using Keigo, speaking as herself once again. ↩︎

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