I stood at the front door, took my key out of my randoseru¹, and unlocked it.

         「I’m home.」

         I turned on the light and took off my shoes, but there was no response.

         I didn’t bother calling out for my dad either.

         He wasn’t always done with work by the time I came home, and he’d already told me he’d be late today. Mom wasn’t around anymore, so calling out for her wouldn’t do anything.

         No one was ever home.

         That didn’t change even on my ninth birthday.

         I lined up my shoes neatly, turned on the hallway light, and went straight to my room.

         I put my randoseru on my desk and took out the notebook and textbook I needed for tomorrow’s homework. I also took out the handouts I had to give Dad and carried them to the living room. He wasn’t home yet, but he said he’d be back before my birthday ended. He even said he’d buy me a cake.

         But Dad was the kind of person who said he’d come home and then didn’t.

         「I’ll leave the handouts here.」

         Even though no one else was around, I said it out loud and placed the papers on the table.

         The curtains were open and the living room was already bright, so I went back to my room without turning on any lights.

         Normally, I would’ve started my homework by now, but since it was my birthday, I decided to do it later and read manga instead. After three volumes, I got bored and switched to video games. And because it was my birthday, I wanted to play on a bigger TV than the one in my room, so I brought my console to the living room.

         I plugged in the cords and started playing.

         Time passed in the blink of an eye.

         It was still light outside, but I turned on the living room lights before it got dark and kept playing—winning and losing car races—until the intercom rang. I hurried over and checked the screen.

         It was the lady who often made my meals and cleaned the apartment for us.

         I clenched my hand tightly.

         I hadn’t expected it to be Dad anyway, so it was fine.

         I reached out and answered the intercom.

         「Yes?」

         「Good evening. Is that you, Shiori-chan?」

         「Yes, it’s me.」

         I answered the familiar voice.

         「I know I’m not scheduled to work today, but your father asked me to bring you a cake.」

         She said through the intercom.

         「Okay, I’ll open the door.」

         I unlocked the entrance of the apartment for her.

         A moment later, the doorbell rang, and I opened the front door.

         「Good evening, Shiori-chan.」

         The lady said brightly, holding a cake box in her hands. I greeted her back with, “Good evening.”

         「Your father said he’s busy with work today, so he won’t be able to make it home in time for your birthday.」

         「Okay, I understand.」

         「I’m sorry, but he did ask me to tell you that he wishes you a happy birthday.」

         「Thank you.」

         I’d meant to thank her for passing on my father’s message, but it probably sounded like I was thanking my father instead.

         And when I thought about it, saying “thank you” to someone who had just apologized didn’t feel right either, but I didn’t know what else to say.

         I looked down at her feet instead of her face, and she spoke again in a warm voice.

         「Anyway, happy birthday, Shiori-chan! I brought you a little present too.」

         I looked up, and she handed me a small wrapped bag.

         「Thank you very much.」

         I said, bowing deeply.

         「The cake I brought is pretty big. Oh, and I’d like to make dinner for you too, so may I come in?」

         「I still have some of the side dishes you made the other day in the freezer, though.」

         「Well, since it’s your birthday today, I’d like to cook something fresh. Is that okay with you?」

         「Yes. Thank you very much.」

         She stepped inside, took off her shoes, and locked the door behind her.

Then she turned off the hallway light and walked down the hall, and I followed behind her.

         「I’ll put the cake in the fridge.」

         She said, and I replied with, “Okay.”

         「Are you okay with omelette rice for dinner today?」

         「Yes.」

         「Okay, I’ll have it ready for you soon.」

         「May I be excused to my room?」

         「Sure. I’ll come get you when it’s ready.」

         「Okay.」

         I bowed politely, then went to pick up the game console I’d left in front of the big TV.

         I took it, along with the present the lady had given me, back to my room.

         I sat down at my desk where my homework was laid out and picked up a pencil.

         I didn’t like being alone, but I didn’t really like being at home with someone I didn’t know very well either.

         The lady was someone my dad asked to come over sometimes, and she wasn’t a bad person at all. She was kind, and she cooked and cleaned for me. But I still felt uneasy when she was in our home. Even when we were together, we had nothing to talk about, and it made me feel uncomfortable, like I was sinking under water.

         I opened my textbook and notebook and started practicing kanji.

         I didn’t really like doing homework, but with the lady around, there wasn’t anything else I wanted to do either.

         It was easier to just stay in my room and keep writing kanji.

         Even though I wrote each stroke slowly and carefully, I finished all of them quickly. With nothing else to do, I moved on to my math homework. As I was working, I heard a knock at the door.

         「Shiori-chan.」

         I heard her voice from outside the room, so I replied with, “Yes?” as I opened the door.

         「The omelette rice is ready, and I left it on the table for you, so please make sure to eat it. I also made extras for you if you want it.」

         「Thank you very much.」

         「I’m going to head home now. Will you be alright by yourself, Shiori-chan?」

         「Yes.」

         She walked to the front door, and I followed her. She turned on the entrance light, put on her shoes, and said, “Make sure you lock the door once I leave.”

         「Okay. Thank you for today.」

         I said, bowing.

         「See you later, then.」

         She replied before stepping outside.

         I locked the door and went back to my room, leaving the entrance and hallway lights on. Then I returned to the living room with the present she’d given me and noticed that the curtains were closed. The lights were on, though, so the room wasn’t dark. The kitchen was dark with the lights off, so I went to switch them on—clearing all the dark spots so no ghosts could appear—then came back to the living room.

         A plate of omelette rice with a bright yellow color sat on the table. The handouts meant for my dad had been pushed aside somewhere.

         At times like this, I wished I had a big dog, like my friend did.

         If I had a dog, it would probably follow me to the bathroom, and it would probably try to sleep with me too. I wouldn’t be scared of the dark anymore. I felt like it would bark and chase away any ghosts that appeared.

         But Dad said kids couldn’t take care of a dog by themselves, so we couldn’t have one.

         Being a kid was so boring.

         I wanted to hurry up and become an adult already.

         Once I became an adult, I wouldn’t be scared of ghosts anymore, and I’d be able to raise a pet. But if I wasn’t going to be scared of ghosts anymore, then maybe I wouldn’t need a pet at all.

         I didn’t really understand it, but it was probably just because I was still a kid.

         I turned nine today, and next year I’d be ten, and the year after that, eleven.

         Birthdays were fun because I got older every year.

         So even if I was alone, it wasn’t like I couldn’t enjoy them.

         And becoming an adult wasn’t just about getting older—I had to make sure I ate properly too.

         I finished every last bite of the omelette rice and washed the dishes.

         Then I took the cake box out of the refrigerator and set it on the table. After placing a plate beside it, I opened the present the lady had given me. Inside was a cute pouch decorated with lace. I put it back in its bag and turned my attention to the cake.

         The box was bigger than last year’s, and when I took out the cake, a round, snowy-white cake appeared—so big it looked impossible for me to finish.

         I put a candle on top, making sure to avoid the strawberries and the chocolate “Happy Birthday, Shiori-chan” topper.

         But I didn’t light it.

         Children weren’t allowed to use fire without permission.

         I didn’t sing to myself.

         I didn’t turn off the lights either.

         「Happy birthday, Shiori-chan.」

         I said quietly, wishing myself a happy birthday before blowing out the unlit candle.

         I scooped out a slice, placing an uneven triangle on the plate.

         I took one bite. It was sweet and delicious.

         Then I took a second bite, just as sweet as the last.

         The third bite was sweet too, and suddenly I felt like I couldn’t finish it.

         But since Dad had bought the cake for me, I kept eating the awkwardly cut slice one bite at a time.

         Even when my stomach started to feel heavy, I finished everything on the plate.

         Then I cut another uneven triangle from the cake that was no longer perfectly round and ate that too.

         But after eating a quarter of the cake, I was full.

         Still, I picked off the strawberries and ate them. I tasted some of the whipped cream, then tossed another bit of sponge cake into my mouth.

         I stuffed as much of the white cake into my stomach as I could before putting the rest back into the box.

         As long as there was cake in the refrigerator, tomorrow and the next day—and the day after that—would all still feel like my birthday, but it would also mean Dad never came home.

         — I hated it.

         I wished my birthday would just be over already.

         I put the box with the cake that wasn’t round anymore into the refrigerator and pushed the door shut hard.

         「Hurry up and be over already.」

         Leaving every light in the apartment on, I went back to my room and crawled into bed, even though I wasn’t sleepy at all.

◇◇◇

         I heard my alarm going off.

         I fumbled around with my hand, reaching left and right until I found my phone and tried to shut off the alarm.

         But it wouldn’t stop.

         When I opened my eyes, I realized I was holding the black cat plush instead. I grabbed my actual phone from beside me and finally managed to silence the alarm.

         — I was so sleepy.

         I set the black cat plush beside my pillow and rubbed my eyes with my fingers, leaving them slightly damp, so I lifted my hand toward the ceiling.

         Seeing the faint wetness, I blinked a few times.

         「I think I must’ve been dreaming about something…」

         I yawned and sat up.

         「What was it…?」

         I tried to think, tilting my head, but the dream felt locked away deep inside me and impossible to remember.

         And I was still sleepy.

         Maybe I was worn out from celebrating Sendai-san’s birthday yesterday.

         I’d gone out to buy a cake, then gone home and ordered pizza before she came back. I waited for her nervously the whole time, and I even let her into my room for the first time since we moved in, so it wasn’t strange that both my body and mind felt exhausted.

         On top of that, I’d spent a lot of time thinking about what kind of present to give her.

         I sighed and looked at the bag on the table.

         「What should I do about that…?」

         Inside the bag was a wrapped box and a birthday card.

         And inside that box was a set of five cat-shaped chopstick rests.

         It was supposed to be Sendai-san’s birthday present—the one I hadn’t been able to give her yesterday.

         「… I bet she doesn’t even need them anyway.」

         I’d never given a birthday present to someone like Sendai-san before, so I had no idea what to buy. After agonizing over it for so long, I ended up choosing something that didn’t feel like a birthday present at all—a set of chopstick rests.

         Since Sendai-san reminded me of a borzoi, I’d thought about getting her something dog-related.

         But she was the one who’d given me the black cat plush, and she often talked about the calico cat she saw on her way home from university. When I’d asked her who she liked even when we were at the aquarium, she’d said “Cali”—the nickname she’d given that same cat.

         Since she liked cats so much, I decided on a cat-themed gift.

         But when her birthday actually came, it suddenly felt strange to hand her a set of chopstick rests as a present. In the end, I left the little cat-shaped rests tucked away in my room instead of giving them to her.

         I slapped my cheeks with both hands and stretched my arms toward the ceiling.

         Then I got out of bed and picked up the black cat plush.

         I was only making things harder for myself by overthinking it.

         It was a birthday present for Sendai-san, so it didn’t matter what was inside—what mattered was giving it to her.

         I set the black cat on the bookshelf and picked up the bag with the chopstick rests.

         Still in my sweats, I slipped quietly into the shared living area and stood in front of Sendai-san’s room. I gently hung the bag on her doorknob, making sure not to make any noise, then backed away.

         She probably wouldn’t ever need them, anyway.

         There weren’t just one, but five chopstick rests inside, which made it even more unnecessary than it already was. But I couldn’t think of anything else to give her for her birthday, so this was the best I could manage. I just couldn’t come up with anything suitable for someone like Sendai-san, who was so different from me.

         At the very least, I’d put the present somewhere it could be found and count as a present.

         Then I quietly returned to my room.

         「I managed to give it to her.」

         I told the black cat plush on my bookshelf—even though that wasn’t exactly true—and stroked its head.

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1. A randoseru is a sturdy, box-shaped backpack that is usually used by Japanese elementary school students. It is typically made from leather, and is extremely durable — designed to last the entire six years a child is in elementary school (grades 1-6). The term is borrowed from the Dutch word ransel, which means backpack. ↩︎

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