“I see your place is just as plain as ever, huh?”
“If you’ve got a problem with it, the exit’s right over there.”
Hatano said, pointing toward the third-floor window that opened directly outside. Shinomiya ignored her, however, and sat down on the bed.
She certainly had some nerve, making a comment like that the moment she walked into her upperclassman’s apartment.
In the end, Hatano gave in to Shinomiya’s request and let her into her apartment. By the time they arrived, it was already around nine o’clock, a little late for dinner. Hatano had considered stopping somewhere to eat, but given the circumstances, it didn’t feel appropriate, so she decided against it.
Shinomiya lightly patted the bed.
“I’m going to use your bed.”
“Huh?! No. You’re taking the couch. The couch, you hear me?”
Hatano said, swatting Shinomiya’s hand away from the bed, but for some reason, Shinomiya started taking off her skirt instead.
“I can’t satisfy myself unless I have enough room to move around however I want. Look, you already refused to help me relieve my urges, so the least you could do is be a little more flexible.”
“… I’m going to bill you for the dry cleaning later.”
“Oh, come on. Do you know any love hotel owners who charge their guests for dirtying the sheets?”
“This isn’t a love hotel, and I don’t even own this place, so that doesn’t apply to me. I’m sending you the bill later.”
“Fine, we can talk about compensation after. For now, let me borrow a couple of towels.”
That was probably the closest thing to a compromise. If they were going to keep arguing over it, Hatano might as well wonder why she’d let Shinomiya into her apartment in the first place. She pulled two towels from her wardrobe and tossed them to Shinomiya. Shinomiya failed to catch them, taking them straight to the face instead. She let out a muffled groan before spreading them out over the bed.
“Are you going to be bothered by the noise?”
“Not really. Do whatever you want. I’m going to be working on my novel.”
“Oh yeah, you didn’t make it through to the final round.”
Shinomiya wasn’t saying it to mock Hatano, nor was she treating the subject like something she needed to tiptoe around. She was simply mentioning a fact she happened to know. Even so, the remark touched on Hatano’s inferiority complex, leaving her momentarily at a loss for words. She nodded slowly, tapping the keyboard of her laptop to wake it from sleep mode.
“I didn’t, but that’s not going to stop me from writing.”
That was simply the kind of person Hatano was.
She hadn’t really been saying those words to Shinomiya; it was more like she was saying them to herself. As if those words had struck a chord with her, the usually nonchalant Shinomiya looked away from Hatano.
For a moment, silence fell over the room.
Shinomiya stole a glance at Hatano’s back before deliberately brightening her tone, as if to lighten the mood.
“Oh, also, you’re not allowed to film me this time, okay?”
“I thought we established that what happened last time was consensual, didn’t we?”
Hatano sighed in exasperation, but her expression softened as she retorted. Shinomiya let out a small laugh, and seeing her reflection in the frame of her laptop, Hatano realized that she had probably been trying to lighten the mood for her sake. Still, she thought it would be tactless to point it out, so she said nothing.
There was no way having her underclassman engaged in self-gratification behind her wouldn’t affect her concentration, but at the same time, she couldn’t exactly watch her, either. With nothing else to do, Hatano turned her attention to her writing. She wasn’t confident she’d be able to concentrate, but she faced her laptop and began typing anyway.
After a while, the sound of clothes rustling began to mingle with the tapping of the keyboard.
As Hatano stepped out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel, she found Shinomiya, who had already taken a bath, sprawled across the bed and looking at her phone as though she owned the place. Hatano glanced over at her, realizing that Shinomiya clearly intended to stay the night. She plugged her hair dryer into the outlet before sitting down at her desk.
“You’re seriously planning to stay the night like it’s nothing, huh?”
“I’m tired, so let me stay the night.”
Shinomiya rested her cheek against the pillow and looked up at Hatano with pleading eyes, as if silently asking, ‘You’re not going to say no, are you?’
They spoke to each other as casually as ever, as though they’d forgotten what had happened earlier. It was more convenient for both of them to forget what had been said, too.
“Go home once your clothes are dry.”
Hatano had taken the trouble to wash Shinomiya’s underwear and skirt, which had been dirtied by what happened earlier, figuring it was the least she could do. Now that she’d finished showering, she had the bathroom dryer1 running to dry them. For the time being, she had lent Shinomiya her own loungewear and underwear. It had been a difficult decision, weighing the discomfort of having Shinomiya walking around her apartment completely naked against the fact that she was wearing Hatano’s underwear.
Hatano rejected Shinomiya’s suggestion that she stay over and was about to turn on her hair dryer, but Shinomiya wasn’t willing to let the matter go.
“Nooooo! Let me stay over!!!”
She kicked her feet and began to throw a little tantrum. Hatano rested an elbow on the back of her chair and, looking exasperated, snapped at her.
“Look, you may have lived your whole life being pampered by other people, but I’m not going to do that. Once your clothes are dry, you’re going to change out of my clothes and go home. There’s still plenty of time until the trains stop running.”
Shut down by Hatano, Shinomiya looked a little sulky, and this time it wasn’t an act. There was something almost reproachful about her expression, which reminded Hatano of what she’d told her earlier.
I guess I got carried away and thought we’d become a little closer.
Hatano didn’t know whether Shinomiya was taking advantage of that admission or had simply been hoping for more because of it, but she couldn’t help feeling somewhat guilty. Even so, she was reluctant to let herself be swayed by emotion.
“You wouldn’t exactly be comfortable spending time with me at my place either, would you?”
Hatano said with a hint of exasperation. Shinomiya pouted.
“… I only dislike you because I have so many people around me that I do like. You’re just less likable by comparison.”
To Shinomiya, the only things she wanted from others were love, acceptance, and jealousy. Those were the people she desired, which was why she didn’t like people like Hatano.
In other words, Shinomiya only disliked Hatano in comparison to the other people she liked.
“Basically, what you’re saying is you don’t actually hate me, then. It’s the same for me. Guess we’re alike in that respect.”
Hatano said, and Shinomiya lowered her gaze, a complicated look settling over her face.
“Besides, compared to being alone…”
Shinomiya began to speak, but her words trailed off. Instead of finishing the thought, she buried her face in the pillow.
“… Never mind.”
Despite Shinomiya not finishing her thought, somehow, Hatano understood what she was trying to say.
She hated being alone. In fact, she hated being alone so much that even hanging out with Hatano at her place was better than that. She hated being by herself, and she hated doing things by herself too.
She was fundamentally starved for connection with other people. Hatano couldn’t tell if her hunger for connection had fueled her need for validation, or if her desperate need for validation had driven her to seek out connections with others. She didn’t know which had come first, but the two were definitely closely connected.
Shinomiya remained completely still with her face buried in the pillow. Hatano glanced over to make sure she wasn’t actually suffocating, then shrugged and asked:
“… Do you live at home?”
Hatano asked as she turned on her laptop.
Shinomiya had heard her question, but didn’t answer immediately. She slowly raised her head, then, after a moment of hesitation, said,
“No, I live by myself.”
After hearing that, Hatano turned on the hair dryer and began drying her hair while watching her laptop screen come to life. For a while, she stared absently at the display, lost in thought.
To both Hatano and Shinomiya, their ways of living were complete opposites, and there was a huge difference between their values as well. Hatano had always thought they could never truly understand each other, yet somehow, Shinomiya was gradually becoming an underclassman she couldn’t help but look after. There was the way of life Hatano found so distasteful, and then there was the small, endearing side of her that was simply an ordinary girl. The two sides of her were inseparable, leaving Hatano with no choice but to either reject Shinomiya as a whole or accept her as a whole.
A heavy sigh escaped Hatano before she glanced at Shinomiya through the reflection in her laptop screen, watching her lower her eyes with her lips pursed.
It was easy to push someone away simply because you disliked them. Perhaps that was exactly why choosing to accept someone for who they were was considered a virtue. But Hatano wasn’t doing it for Shinomiya’s sake. She simply wanted to live in a way she could be proud of herself.
She briefly switched off the hair dryer and murmured softly.
“…Go home in the morning.”
That was all she muttered, and without turning to look at Shinomiya, Hatano went back to drying her hair.
Still feeling exasperated, she stole a glance at Shinomiya through the laptop screen and saw that her eyes had widened in surprise. Shinomiya quickly sat up, looking slightly embarrassed, then hugged Hatano’s pillow and mumbled something into it. Her voice was drowned out by the sound of the hair dryer, but Hatano could at least tell that she hadn’t insulted her.
By the time Hatano finished drying her hair, Shinomiya had gone back to fiddling with her phone. Ignoring her, Hatano decided to get back to work on her novel. Mustering her motivation, she turned her attention to her laptop once more.
But just as she’d settled in, Shinomiya interrupted her concentration.
“You’ve never won any awards, have you, senpai?”
Shinomiya asked without the slightest hint of remorse. Before Hatano could even type her first letter, her fingers stopped. She felt a little irritated that Shinomiya had so bluntly pointed out the very thing that had been making her feel inferior compared to Shijima, but she let out a sigh, letting some of the anger out before answering.
“… Are you making fun of me?”
“W-Why would you assume that?! I was just asking!”
“I talked about it a lot in the clubroom, so I thought you knew.”
Hatano said, but Shinomiya tilted her head slightly, wearing an expression that seemed to ask, Oh, did you? Hatano wanted to flick her on the forehead for that mischievous look, but restrained herself and replied,
“No, I haven’t won anything.”
“How many years have you been writing?”
Hatano looked at her, about to ask what she was getting at by suddenly asking all these questions, but then she realized that Shinomiya wasn’t trying to make fun of her. She closed her mouth before she could say anything. At the same time, it occurred to her that maybe Shinomiya was trying, in her own way, to meet her halfway. Reluctantly, she decided to answer.
“Four years.”
“Have you been entering competitions this whole time?”
“Yeah. Ever since around the end of my first year.”
Hatano answered curtly. Shinomiya, still hugging the pillow, seemed to mull it over. Then, with a serious look on her face, she cautiously began to speak.
“… I want to ask you something, but I want you to know I’m asking seriously. I’m really not trying to mock you.”
Her gaze shifted from Hatano to the laptop screen.
What was written on there was a coming-of-age sports novel about a girl on the women’s soccer team who had been born without any particular talents. Playing as a forward, she struggled to grow while constantly being compared to her childhood friend, the team’s star striker. It was the kind of youth sports story that wasn’t particularly trendy these days.
Perhaps inspired by the way the protagonist fought on despite all her struggles and inner conflicts, Shinomiya asked with a somber expression,
“Isn’t it hard? Like, not having your worth acknowledged?”
The question seemed to be directed at Hatano, yet somehow, it felt as though Shinomiya was looking to her for an answer meant for someone else. Hatano could tell there was more behind it than mere curiosity, perhaps feelings Shinomiya hadn’t yet put into words.
With that in mind, Hatano simply spoke her mind without dwelling on it.
“Of course it’s hard. But that’s why I write—so that my worth can be acknowledged.”
In that moment, Shinomiya’s expression faltered in surprise. She lowered her head as though ashamed of herself and bit her lip, saying nothing. Although Hatano found her reaction puzzling, she already knew that Shinomiya had something of her own weighing on her. Rather than pointlessly trying to make sense of feelings she couldn’t understand, she simply answered the question Shinomiya had asked.
“I don’t approve of the way you go about seeking validation, but that doesn’t mean I think everything you do is wrong. I don’t think you need to completely get rid of that desire to be acknowledged, either. There are parts of that I can understand.”
With that, Hatano turned her attention back to her work.
Without paying much attention to Shinomiya’s somber expression reflected in her laptop screen, Hatano quietly began typing again.
- A bathroom dryer (yokushitsu kansouki – (浴室乾燥機)) is a ventilation system almost always found in the shower. It can be used to warm the air up, provide ventilation, dehumidify the room or dry laundry! You can read more about it here. ↩︎
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