I wasn’t sure how much time had passed since I hadn’t brought my phone to bed with me. It could’ve been an hour, or maybe even two.

         I reached out and brushed Miyagi’s hair.

         I couldn’t sleep.

         Staring blankly at the ceiling, at the penguin plush beside me, or at the back of Miyagi’s head didn’t help. No matter what I did, sleep just wouldn’t come.

         I combed my fingers through her hair, then gently tugged at the ends.

         Miyagi didn’t wake up.

         When I let go, the silky strands slipped through my fingers.

         I let out a small sigh and called her name.

         「Miyagi.」

         She didn’t answer. She must’ve already fallen into a deep sleep.

         Seeing Miyagi asleep beside me in my bed, probably lost in her own dreams, made me realize all over again just how different our feelings for each other were, and my heart sank.

         There was no way I could fall asleep feeling this aware of her.

         The warmth of someone beside me—a warmth that was never there when I slept alone—made my heart pound. The sound of her quiet breathing, something I’d never hear on my own, made it pound even harder. As if in time with its frantic beating, one unnecessary fantasy after another crept into my mind, until every trace of sleepiness had vanished.

         I pulled the penguin plush into my arms.

         It was too small to hug like a body pillow, and with the real Miyagi sleeping right beside me, it felt hopelessly inadequate. It squished flat whenever I squeezed it, but unlike Miyagi, it never complained.

         I squeezed my eyes shut.

         If only I could just fall asleep, I thought.

         Then I could spend the rest of the night with the Miyagi in my dreams—the Miyagi who would be exactly how I wanted her to be—and by the time I woke up, morning would already be here.

         One penguin, two penguins, three penguins…

         I made it to fifteen before I started wondering whether counting penguins instead of sheep was cheating¹. Dwelling on something that pointless only made me more awake.

         Miyagi could be really unfair sometimes.

         She’d made me swear I’d never belong to anyone but her, yet here she was, fast asleep beside me without the slightest sign of waking up. She was the one who was supposed to be keeping me under her control, so she ought to wake up, open her eyes, look at me, and talk to me already. Or, if she felt like it, I wouldn’t have complained if she kissed me.

         I opened my eyes and rested my hand against her back.

         But she didn’t wake up. She didn’t even stir.

         How could she be sleeping so soundly?

         ― I already knew the answer.

         I was far more conscious of Miyagi than she was of me.

         That was probably the answer.

         And I didn’t like it.

         Not one bit.

         I set the penguin back against the wall, sat up, and let out a quiet sigh.

         In the darkness, dark enough that I wouldn’t have noticed a black cat hiding in the room, I kissed Miyagi’s ear. As I stroked the shoulder peeking out from beneath the comforter, I whispered her name.

         「Shiori.」

         「… Hm?」

         She mumbled, and Miyagi, who had remained motionless until now, finally stirred.

         She rolled onto her back, and my breath caught in my throat. A moment ago, I’d been wishing she’d open her eyes. Now, I found myself hoping she’d stay asleep.

         「It’s nothing. Just go back to sleep.」

         「Okay…」

         She didn’t seem to understand what I was saying, but she sleepily answered me anyway.

         I regretted leaving my phone on the table.

         I knew there wasn’t much point in taking pictures in the dark, but I still wanted a photo of Miyagi’s sleeping face.

         Or maybe a video would’ve been better.

         Even if I couldn’t see her face clearly, at least I’d be able to hear her sleepy voice responding to me.

         I hesitated for a moment, wondering if I should go get my phone.

         I planted my hands on the bed and started to move, but as soon as I did, Miyagi stirred again, this time rolling over to face me.

         This won’t work.

         I’d have to climb over Miyagi to get to my phone, and if I moved around too much, I’d probably wake her up.

         I gave up on the idea and lay back down.

         「… Shiori.」

         I softly called her name now that we were face to face.

         I knew saying her name too many times might wake her up, but I wanted to say it again.

         Shiori. Shiori. Shiori.

         I wanted to say her name over and over. I almost never had the chance to call her that.

         「Shiori.」

         I whispered her name once more, and Miyagi, looking somehow annoyed even in her sleep, weakly pushed me away.

         I gently took her hand and kissed her fingertips.

         If only she’d use this hand to touch me, I thought.

         I couldn’t help sighing at myself for having such inappropriate thoughts this early in the new year.

         Lying here wasn’t doing me any good.

         All it did was remind me of what we’d done in this bed before—and make me want to do it again.

         Crossing the boundary into Miyagi’s territory, I leaned closer and gently kissed her on the lips.

         I brushed my fingers along her cheek before slowly stroking her neck.

         Wanting to touch her a little more, I slipped my hand beneath her sweatshirt and gently caressed her side. My fingers traced over her soft skin until they came to a stop just below her chest. But when Miyagi shifted slightly, I quickly pulled my hand back.

         I should’ve had her make a new promise with me that day.

         Miyagi had kept the promise we’d made on Christmas Day, but we never made another one after that. It wasn’t as though that was all I wanted from her, but I’d be happy if we could do something like that again. Somehow, it felt like each time we did, the distance between us grew a little smaller.

         By touching places no one else was allowed to touch, it felt as though we were tearing down the wall between us. It was like breaking down the wall separating our bedrooms. The more we touched each other, the farther our rooms would expand into one another, revealing parts of ourselves we’d never known before. Eventually, the two rooms would become one, blending seamlessly together.

         I wanted to touch Miyagi again.

         I wanted her to touch me again too.

         「So let’s do it again sometime, okay?」

         I whispered the words I knew Miyagi would’ve shut down if she’d been awake.

         Almost immediately, she sleepily rubbed her eyes.

         「… Hm? What?」

         She asked in a hoarse voice.

         I stroked her hair.

         It didn’t matter whether I was the one touching Miyagi or she was the one touching me, as long as we made another promise together. But it wasn’t a promise I wanted to make while she was still half-asleep.

         「It’s nothing.」

         「I’m… sleepy.」

         「Then go back to sleep.」

         I said, then kissed her on the forehead. She gave a small nod in response.

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1. I took some creative liberties with the translation of this passage. Japanese (and Chinese, Korean, and many other languages) uses measure words (also called counters or classifiers) when counting nouns. English has them too, though far less often. For example, a slice of cake, a piece of paper, or a pile of leaves. In Japanese, nearly every noun has an appropriate counter (unlike in English, where you can get away with saying “one penguin” as opposed to something like Chinese, where you would say “one (measure word) penguin”).
   So in the original line, Sendai is counting the penguins in her head using the general counter -pa/-ha (羽) for birds before wondering, mid-thought, whether -piki/-hiki (匹), the counter for small animals, might be more appropriate for a penguin because it can’t fly despite being a bird. ↩︎

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